


Ship Of Fools

by Swing_Away_Merrill



Series: Augmented Reality [3]
Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: Aboard The Warship, Alien Swearing, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Decepticon Slice-Of-Life, Gen, Group chat, Hilarity, I mean, Mindless Absurdity, Pranks, Shenanigans, Violence, War, and it was, chatfic, happiness, i did it, i don't know why i did this, i thought it would be funny, mostly canon-compliant, silliness, so many pranks, so there, you can't tell me they DIDN'T have a group chat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 50,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26046442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swing_Away_Merrill/pseuds/Swing_Away_Merrill
Summary: It has come to my attention that some people think the Vehicons from Transformers Prime are mindless, sparkless drones.UNTRUE. Not only are the Vehicons alive, but they possess sentience and individual personalities, leading me to believe that the warriors of the Decepticon army are, in fact, a hilarious collection of dorks, wierdos, and idiots. In other words: normal people!I decided it would be fun to explore the shenanigans and hilarity that (probably?) took place on the Nemesis during the course of the show, using everybody's favorite storytelling method: GROUP CHATS!(P.S. This story is in the same universe of Tapestry, but can be read on its own keeping a human OC in mind)
Relationships: Breakdown & Vehicons (Transformers), Dreadwing & Vehicons (Transformers), Knock Out & Vehicons, Megatron & Vehicons, OCs & OCs, Soundwave & Vehicons, Vehicons &Vehicons
Series: Augmented Reality [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854070
Comments: 67
Kudos: 74





	1. So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, the nonsensical stories of everyday life aboard the Decepticon warship! Inside are group chats, pranks, silliness, sadness, grief, mindless absurdity, and utter confusion if you don't have any idea what this is. 
> 
> Another note; this story is connected to my other work called Tapestry, which does not change the timeline or overall plot of the show, but does include a human OC who shows up from time to time. 
> 
> ENJOY!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Decepticon Group Chat begins...

Aboard the Deception warship, Steve and Joe were bored. A day like this usually meant they would be busy working on the monitors, or mobilizing for Megatron’s latest assault team, but today, the various monitors and tools were forgotten, no missions were scheduled, and they were simply messing around in the bridge’s storage room.

Unwise. But not unusual.

“Oh, hey,” Joe said, digging through a pile of miscellaneous things. “I found something.”

“What?” Steve asked, looking up from the box he was occupied with.

“Let’s see what kind of fun we can have with this,” Joe said, picking up an antiquated data pad.

“Sweet,” Steve said, coming to join him. “Turn it on.”

“Okay, okay,” Joe grumbled. “Give me a second.”

He turned it on, and whistled at the appearance of a long, long string of codes.

“What’s it say?” Steve asked, looking over his shoulder.

“Well,” Joe said, after a quick perusal, “It looks like the foundation of a crude communications program.”

"Probably one of Soundwave’s old projects,” Steve said, watching as his friend began typing in the necessary instructions to open the program.

Once it had been activated, a title appeared on the screen.

“Interlinked Communications Experiment,” Steve read aloud. “ICE?”

“Apparently,” Joe replied.

“Cool. Launch it.”

“Should I, though?” Joe asked. “It could be dangerous.”

“Come on, we need a distraction. Something fun to do. You know you want to,” Steve said, nudging him in the shoulder. “Like the fleshies say — just do it.”

“Well…” Joe shrugged. “How bad could it be?”

He activated the program.

And what the two Vehicons saw next gave them a wonderful, awful idea.

“You know what this is, don’t you?” Joe asked.

“It’s a group chat,” Steve replied, rubbing his hands together.

“It’s a fragging group chat,” Joe said, chuckling. “Who can we invite to this?”

“Wait, wait, first put me on there,” Steve urged, typing in his name. “And make the both of us admin.”

“Why do you get to be admin?” Joe demanded, elbowing him. “I found the thing.”

“Yeah, but I’m the one who’s been straining every strut helping you for the past ten hours,” Steve said. “And I’m also the one who can rat on you if you don’t let me be an admin.”

“You’re just like Starscream.”

“Careful, don’t let you-know-who hear you,” cautioned Steve. “I might get kicked off the ship!”

“Like you haven’t been thrown off before." Joe tapped in the correct commands. “There; now we’re both admin, you happy?”

“Yeah, now gimme that!” Steve said, snatching the datapad.

“Hey!”

“I have to invite the rest of the crew,” Steve explained, tapping furiously on the pad. “The good news is, once we’re done creating the chat, we can upload the entire program directly to our processors and throw the pad away. Easy peasy.”

“Who are you inviting?” Joe asked.

“Uh, let’s see,” Steve said, tapping again. “There’s Pete, Clicker, Duffer, Grease, Frank, Chief, Axel, Ricky and Bobby, Jimmy … who else … uhm…”

“Don’t forget Glitch and Sidelock,” Joe interrupted, looking over his friend’s shoulder.

“Oh, yeah!” Steve said, typing their names in. “That’s who I was forgetting. Now we’ve got everybody.”

“No we don’t,” Joe said. “Those were just some of us Vehicons. You forgot Knock Out, Dreadwing, Soundwave, Megatron…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down,” Steve cried. “We are so _not_ inviting the leader of the Decepticons — or any of his lackeys — to our group chat. This is a Vehicon thing.”

“But there’s less chance of it being shut down if we have some lackeys in it,” Joe suggested. “Just think; if Megatron finds out we have this, but Soundwave and Knock Out are in on it, he’ll be less likely to take it away from them as opposed to taking it away from us.”

“Great point,” Steve said. “I’ll just send Knock Out and Sounders an invite… and there we go.”

“Don’t let him hear you call him that,” Joe warned.

“Huh?”

“‘ _Sounders_ ’ just happens to be the most dangerous mech on board.”

“And he might be the second-craziest one on board,” Steve agreed.

“Is the invite sent?” Joe asked.

“Almost.” Steve held up a cable. “Here. Plug this into your wrist port. It’s gonna upload the program, so we can control it ourselves.”

Joe did as he said, and whistled a little once the process was finished.

“Cool graphics, for a text-based forum,” he said, marveling at the different functions.

“You’re telling me,” Steve agreed, unplugging the cable from his own wrist. “If Soundwave did invent this, he sure did a bang-up job.”

“What'd you expect?” Joe asked. “He’s Soundwave, he’s like perfect at everything tech.”

“Slagging right he is,” Steve muttered, breaking the pad over his knee. “What do you think we should do with this?”

Joe looked at him. “Airlock?”

“Airlock.”

A few minutes later, the demolished remains of a high-tech Cybertronian data pad were jettisoned from the belly of the great ship in the sky, landing in the middle of the ocean, far, far below. To this day, as far as anyone knows, its secrets still reside with the fishes.

Turning away from the airlock hatch, Joe began to type some words into his visor screen. “Let’s get this thing started!”

**_Joe_ ** _and_ **_Steve_ ** _created the group:_ **_No Leaders Allowed_ **

**_Joe_ ** _is online_

**_Steve_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Heyyyyy Joe

**Joe** : Steve, I’m right next to you.

**Steve** : What’s your point?

**Joe** : Well —

**Steve** : Look, let’s just get the others on here.

**Joe** : Agreed.

**Steve** : Here comes one

**_Frank_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Frannnnnkkkkk, buddy! Welcome to chaos!

**Frank** : What in the literal frag is this

**Joe** : Steve and I found an old data pad that allowed us to create a communications forum.

**Steve** : And you’re on it!

**Steve** : Also, language

**Frank** : What are you griping about my language for? I’m a Decepticon, frag off.

**Joe** : He’s got a point, we aren’t exactly kid-friendly

**Steve** : We should’ve thought twice about inviting Frank

**_Pete_ ** _is online_

**Joe** : Hey Pete

**Pete** : Is this a group chat??

**Steve** : Yez

**Pete** : I’ve heard humans use these things to pass the time

**Frank** : And to annoy each other

**Pete** : Hi Frank

**Frank** : Get slagged

**Pete** : Oh. Is Frank being an idiot again?

**Steve** : Yeah

**Pete** : Frank.

**Frank** : What? These 2 delusional boltheads are trying to cause chaos here.

**Pete** : I think it might be fun.

**Steve** : See?? SEE??! I’m not the only one!

**Frank** : Yeah, ur both boltheads.

**Pete** : Frank, if u hate it so much, then just leave.

**Frank** : I can’t, I’m bored.

**Steve** : HA

**Frank** : Shut the slag up Steve

**Pete** : Poor Frank’s having a bad day again

**Frank** : I SAID SHUT UP

**Joe** : Guys, quit it

**Steve** : Oh heyyy some1 else is comin on!

**_Sidelock_ ** _is online_

**_Glitch_ ** _is online_

**Pete** : Hey guys

**Joe** : It’s starting to be a party up in here

**Sidelock** : Oh Primus you guys made a group chat???!!!!

**Steve** : Yes, isn’t it the greatest thing?!?!

**Glitch** : What’s a group chat?

**Joe** : It’s a text-based communication method

**Glitch** : So it’s basically commlinks.

**Joe** : Yes, but with reading

**Glitch** : Cool.

**Frank** : I hate reading

**Pete** : You hate everything Frank

**Frank** : fraggin right I do

**Steve** : LANGUAGE

**Glitch** : Language, for crying out loud Frank

**Frank** : YOU SLAGGING GLITCH-HEADED SCRAP-SLAPPERS

**Frank** : FRAG YOU ALL

**Sidelock** : OK, someone needs to kick him out

**Pete** : Agreed

**Frank** : Pete you traitor I’ll get you for this

**Pete** : You know what, I’m fine with that

**Joe** : It’s like he cusses spontaneously

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**Clicker** : What in the world???

**Joe** : Hey, Clicker!

**Pete** : Hi buddy! Welcome to the group chat!

**Pete** : Hey Clicker! How’s monitor duty treating you?

**Clicker** : Eh, I prefer patrol duty. Monitors are boring the scrap out of me.

**Steve** : That’s a huge m00d. I hate monitor duty

**Sidelock** : Same

**Joe** : Same

**Frank** : I hate everything and I hate you all

**Glitch** : Frank, quit being a troll

**Frank** : You quit being a malfunction, you little Glitch

**Pete** : Frank that was nasty :o

**Frank** : It was true, cuz he’s a good 4 nuthin piece of malfunctioning scrap

**Sidelock** : HEY

**Sidelock** : You leave him ALONE

**Frank** : Oh yeah?!

**Sidelock** : YEAH! It’s not his fault he’s a malfunction!

**Sidelock** : I’ve had enough of you and your attitude Frank

**Frank** : Ooh, I’m so scared.

**Sidelock** : I mean it, fragger. You mess with Glitch; you mess with me!

**Frank** : Deal

**Frank** : I’ll mess wit da bof of u

**Sidelock** : You wont last long

**Frank** : Bring it slagger

**Clicker** : Uh, should we intervene here??

**Joe** : Nope

**Steve** : Where’s the popcorn?

**Pete** : Calm down, you guys

**Sidelock** : CALM DOWN?! This loggerhead just insulted my best friend!!!!

**Glitch** : I’m okay, Sidelock, it’s fine

**Sidelock** : Well, I dont think its fine — im sick of u being treated like slag by every1 else

**Pete** : I think Frank is just making jokes, Sidelock, he doesn’t understand what he’s saying.

**Frank** : Yeah, I do. I just love crushing Glitch’s little malfunctioning Spark.>:}

**Clicker** : Okay that was positively evil

**Sidelock** : THAT’S IT, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU

**Steve** : *furiously eating popcorn*

**Glitch** : Sidelock, it’s not worth it

**Steve** : Yeah, Frank’s just a jerk

**Pete** : Sort of.

**Sidelock** : It’s still wrong

**Joe** : Yeah, Frank, we get that you’re a Decepticon through and through, but if you don’t put a lid on it, we’re going to kick you from the chat

**Frank** : *pouts*

**Frank** : Fine, I’ll be nice

**Frank** : Sorry, Glitch

**Frank** : Don’t kill me pls, sidelock

**Sidelock** : Your termination has been suspended … for now

**Glitch** : It’s fine Frank :)

**Clicker** : Soooooo… that was almost bad.

  
 **Steve** : What r u guys doing right now?

**Sidelock** : Glitch and I are cleaning out the lower decks

**Clicker** : Monitor duty — urgh

**Frank** : Stacking Energon in the reactor room

**Pete** : Patrol duty

**Steve** : Cool, cool. Joe and I are cleaning out the starboard storage rooms

**Joe** : Supposed to be, anyway

**Pete** : But you both got sidetracked, I see.

**_Jimmy_ ** _is online_

**Jimmy** : Whoa. This is weird

**Steve** : Jim! Jimmy! Jim-jam-jimmy-jam-jam, what’s happening??

**Jimmy** : Hey Steve! Did you start this??

**Steve** : Yeah, it was Joe and me

**Jimmy** : Perfect, now I don’t have to be bored while I’m mining

**Steve** : Just keep pointing that laser drill away from yourself, my man

**Joe** : He’s one of the best miners we have, I doubt he’ll have a problem

**Jimmy** : Aww thanks Joe! :] Is anyone else on here??

**Pete** : Me

**Frank** : I am

**Glitch** : Me

**Sidelock** : I’m on here

**Clicker** : Me, too

**Jimmy** : What’d I miss?

**Pete** : Nothing much, we’ve just been insulting each other and talking about garbage

**Frank** : I was the insulting one

**Jimmy** : Of course u were, Frank

**Steve** : Hey, has anyone heard from Ricky, Bobby, or Grease?? I thought they’d be on by now

**Clicker** : Oh, Grease is dead

**Sidelock** : Yeah, he died in a raid we had a little while ago

**Frank** : Slagging Autobots

**Sidelock** : And Ricky and Bobby are in the medibay

**Joe** : Racing accident again?

**Sidelock** : Yeah. The only reason those idiots are getting fixed at all is cuz we’re short on troops

**Jimmy** : We’re short on miners, too. We had another guy get crushed again last week

**Clicker** : Who was it?

**Jimmy** : Jeff

**Glitch** : Aw, I liked Jeff

**Pete** : Yeah, he was a sweet bloke, but he could never figure out how gravity worked

**Joe** : Duffer’s going to miss him

**Steve** : Hey, speaking of J and D, has any1 else noticed that we always come in pairs or threes??

**Joe** : What do you mean?

**Clicker** : Steve’s right. We each have this one buddy we always hang out with.

**Jimmy** : Like Glitch and Sidelock

**Steve** : Ricky and Bobby

**Clicker** : Joe and Steve

**Joe** : Frank and Pete

**Frank** : Don’t pair me up with Pete

**Pete** : Agreed, we’re barely friends

**Steve** : Pffft. Whatever. You two are the only ones who can stand each other

**Joe** : He’s right.

**Jimmy** : Besides, we’re all bros :)

**Glitch** : True

**Sidelock** : The exception being Frank. We don’t know where he came from.

**Frank** : YO MAMA

**Steve** : XD

**Sidelock** : Jokes on u I dont have a momma

**Pete** : None of us do

**Clicker** : Depressed now

**Jimmy** : Ugggghhh, Mining this Energon is sooooooooooooo boring

**Frank** : Unless you die

**Steve** : i KNOW, dying is like the only exciting thing you can do around here.

**Joe** : Steve that is so morbid

**Clicker** : I wish I was a miner sometimes. It beats the scrap out of monitor duty.

**Sidelock** : True. I mean, you talk about monotonous …

**Jimmy** : OOH Let’s play 20 questions!

**Glitch** : The human guessing game?

**Frank** : That sounds dumb.

**Jimmy** : No, it’s gonna help me beat the mining boredom! I’m thinking of a thing, and you all get 20 guesses to figure out what it is

  
 **Frank** : Ugh…

**Jimmy** : Go on, guess!

**Pete** : Is it Energon?

**Jimmy** : … I don’t want to play anymore

**_Knock Out_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Well, well, well, if it ain’t the fabulous CMO hisself

**Knock Out** : I figured you all were up to something, but I never expected this.

**Steve** : I mean, what DID you expect?

**Knock Out** : Great point.

**Knock Out** : Why is the chat called No Leaders Allowed??

**Joe** : Because no leaders are allowed

**Clicker** : Duh.

**Steve** : This is a magical place where we can talk about whatever we want

**Jimmy** : Whenever we want

**Frank** : right behind Megatron’s back.

**Knock Out** : Far be it from me to go behind Megatron’s back…>:]

**Knock** **Out** : But why is Leaders plural? I thought we only had one

**Steve** : Well, sometimes Starscream comes back and he’s all “I’M THE LEADER NOW”

**Joe** : So we basically have two leaders

**Sidelock** : Are you in, or are you going to rat on us?

**Knock Out** : Are you kidding? I’m ABSOLUTELY going to be a part of this

**Knock Out** : This is exactly the kind of thing Breakdown would be a part of if he could

**Frank** : Cept he’s dead

**Glitch** : Oh

**Clicker** : Wow

**Steve** : That got real awkward real fast

**Pete** : GREAT JOB, FRANK.

**Sidelock** : Frank’s an idiot. Sorry for your loss, Knock Out.

**Joe** : Breakdown was a nice fella.

**Jimmy** : He always used to thank us for stuff

**Pete** : Yeah, he did. No one else ever does that.

**Glitch** : He was very kind to us

**Knock Out** : I know. That’s the only reason I joined the chat, because I thought I’d associate with you little drones more in memory of my partner

**Frank** : How sweet. You can’t even tell us drones apart, you cherry-coated moron

**Knock Out** : I could find out exactly who you are very easily, Frank. Soundwave knows all your little nicknames >:)

**Steve** : OOOOOOOHHHH SNAP

**Pete** : He got u there, Frank

**Frank** : Shut up Pete

**Knock Out** : Also, I was bored stiff repairing those two idiots who got themselves landed in the medibay

**Sidelock** : You mean Ricky and Bobby?

**Knock Out** : Yes, this is the third time this week they’ve come to bother me with their stupidity

**Joe** : I don’t think they can help it, they love racing

**Steve** : And running into walls at full speed

**Glitch** : Only when they’re bored.

**Knock Out** : Never thought I would say this, but I can actually relate to that

**Steve** : The stupidity?

**Knock** **Out** : The RACING u moron>:I

**Clicker** : What this ship needs is a cure for boredom, otherwise we’ll all end up killing ourselves in a variety of creative and easily preventable ways

**Jimmy** : No guys, dont kill urselfs we need you <3

**Steve** : Aww, Jimmy is so sweet

**Joe** : Jimmy, you’re the best

**Frank** : You all are a bunch of women, he’s just a miner for Pete’s sake

**Pete** : For my sake???

**Steve** : Human term

**Clicker** : Jimmy might be just a miner, but he’s our favorite miner

**Sidelock** : Ain’t that the truth

**Jimmy** : Awwwww, you guyyyyyyzz…

**Frank** : Ugh, I’m gonna go hurl from all this sweetness

**_Frank_ ** _is offline_

**Pete** : Frank is WHAT

**Steve** : DID HE DIE

**Jimmy** : HE’S OFFLINE O PRIMUS HE’S DEAD

**Joe** : No you guys, he’s fine, he just isn’t on the group chat anymore

**Clicker** : I’ll SAY he isn’t!!! If he’s dead, he’s not on ANY group chat anymore!

**Joe** : No, I mean, he’s disconnected. He’s still alive, he’s just not on the group chat anymore.

**Steve** : Ohhhh

**Jimmy** : Phew

**Pete** : I’m gonna go check on him

**_Pete_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : I told u they were buddies.

**Jimmy** : Thank goodness Frank didn’t die

**Sidelock** : I know. Whatever would we do without our local dipstick?

**Glitch** : Sidelock!

**Sidelock** : What? I hate the guy

**Knock Out** : I still don’t understand how you all haven’t killed each other already

**Steve** : Simple. A deep and simmering hatred for those filthy Autobots barely holds us together

**Joe** : The Autobots and their filthy human pets

**Jimmy** : They are pretty annoying

**Clicker** : I know! Have you seen the fleshie metal one??

**Knock Out** : The half-breed?

**Sidelock** : Who?

**Clicker** : Yeah! She’s killed at least five Vehicons with her little lasers

**Joe** : Including Gus

**Glitch** : Who killed Gus??

**Sidelock** : Someone killed Gus?

**Steve** : GUSSSSS!!!!!!!! WE WILL AVENGE YOU GUS!!!!!!!

  
 **Jimmy** : I didn’t know her lasers were that powerful

**Knock Out** : It fluctuates depending on how energized she is. Apparently, a half-breed has off days

**Joe** : She is not even close to mechanical perfection like we are

**Steve** : Not by far

**Jimmy** : Are we really comparing ourselves to a human here???

**Sidelock** : What human?

  
 **Glitch** : What human??

**Clicker** : The half-breed’s not technically a human, according to Knock Out’s files

**Knock Out** : YOU’VE BEEN READING MY FILES?!?!?!?

**Clicker** :

**Knock Out** : Those are CLASSIFIED you idiot

**Clicker** : U mad bro?

**Joe** : AHAHahaha!!

**Sidelock** : What are we TALKING ABOUT

**Glitch** : I have no idea, but we have to get back to cleaning before Dreadwing gets back.

**Sidelock** : Oh slag u right, c yall later

**Glitch** : Bye guys

**_Sidelock_ ** _is offline_

**_Glitch_ ** _is offline_

**Knock** **Out** : Read any of my files again and I will end you, trooper

**Clicker** : Good luck finding me — I’ve spent so much time @ the computers I’ve turned into HACKERMAN

**Clicker** : And you will NEVER find me

**Knock** **Out** : Unless you managed to “hackerman” Soundwave, you have no chance

**Knock** **Out** : I could sic him on you right now

**Clicker** : Just try, Knockers, and you’ll find your best buffer mysteriously fired out of the airlock

**Knock** **Out** : Try THAT and you’ll find your Spark mysteriously ripped out of its CASING

**Clicker** : 

**Knock** **Out** : You did not just “ok boomer” me. i'm not even that old

**Steve** : OOH, more popcorn!

**Joe** : I can hear Clicker laughing from down here

**Jimmy** : You all are going to get in troubbbbllllle

**Steve** : *munch*

**Knock** **Out** : If I weren’t fixing up your idiot twin brothers, I swear I’d rip your head off

**Clicker** : My twin brothers??? None of us are twins

**Steve** : Like literally ALL of us are twins

**Knock** **Out** : Hey Steve?

**Steve** : Yeeeeeez?

**Knock** **Out** : Do you want to tell me which one is Clicker?

**Steve** : For the right price…

**Clicker** : STEVE

**Joe** : oh, no

**Knock** **Out** : Two Energon cubes

**Steve** : You call that negotiating?? I could get two cubes of Energon any old time

**Joe** : That’s right, he could

**Knock** **Out** : Fine, three

**Steve** : I want no less than six

**Knock** **Out** : SLAGGED if I’m giving you SIX Energon cubes!!!!

**Clicker** : You are all traitors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Knock** **Out** : I’ll give you four and that’s my final offer

**Clicker** : Don’t do it Stevvvvveee!!!!

**Joe** : He won’t do it.

**Steve** : All right, I’ll take it.

**Clicker** : NOOOOOOO

**Joe** : He did it

**Steve** : Yis I did

**Clicker** : NOO STEVE PLEASEEE

**Steve** : All right, Click, I won’t tell if you PROMISE never to go into his files again

**Clicker** : Uuuuuurrrghhh.

**Knock** **Out** : Wait, we had a deal!

**Steve** : Nah, you keep your cubes, I just wanted to teach Click a lesson

**Clicker** : All right fiiiiinnnneee I won’t look at your files anymore Knock Out

**Clicker** : Happy?

**Knock** **Out** : Not until you’ve experienced the business end of my buzzsaw.

**Knock Out** : I will destroy you

**Clicker** : I’m so scared :D

**Jimmy** : Guys, this is great and all, but I’ve gotta get back 2 mining be4 our overseer gets here. TTYL

**Joe** : Bye Jimmy

**Steve** : Bye

**Clicker** : Keep up the good work, buddy

**_Jimmy_ ** _is offline_

**Clicker** : BACK to the war

**Knock** **Out** : I will find you

**Clicker** : I’m a leaf in a forest, shiny-boy, you’ll never find me

**Knock** **Out** : Found you

**Clicker** : !!!!!!!!!!

**Steve** : oooooooooh….

**Joe** : How did you do it?

**Knock** **Out** : A simple perusal of the monitor duty schedule…

**Knock** **Out** : Cross-referenced with which computers have been idle for the last hour…

**Knock** **Out** : Reveals that YOU, sir, are trooper CS-905, and YOU have been looking into my medical files without permission!!!

**_Clicker_ ** _is offline_

**Joe** : He gone

**Knock** **Out** : Now that I’ve sufficiently scared the slag out of that guy, I can go back to doing my job. See you around, stupor troopers.

**Steve** : Byeeeee Doc Knockers

**Knock** **Out** : Don’t push it Steve, I can find you too

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is offline_

**Joe** : And then there were two

**Steve** : Wanna get back to cleaning??

**Joe** : Sure why not

**_Everyone_ ** _is offline_

**_Axel_ ** _is online_

**Axel** : Uhhhh…

**Axel** : Hello?

**Axel** : What is this

**Axel** : Is this a group chat!!!????

**Axel** : Oh my gosh WOW

**Axel** : Wait…

**Axel** : If this is a group chat…

**Axel** : Then where is the GROUP???

**Axel** : Guys?

**Axel** : GUYS???

**Axel** : I’m all alone…

**Axel** : Hello?

**Axel** : Hello0o0o0ooo?

**Axel** : Ok I’m bored

**_Axel_ ** _is_ _offline_


	2. Birb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which something comes aboard the warship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you got this full screen.

**_Pete_ ** _,_ **_Steve_ ** _,_ **_Frank_ ** _, and_ **_Joe_ ** _are online_

**Steve** : If you were a giant monster, would you defend the Earth in an alien invasion?

**Joe** : Steve, what kind of question is that

**Steve** : Just something I thought up when I was watchin movies the other day

**Pete** : I would defend the earth I guess. It’s my territory

**Steve** : What about u frank?

**Frank** : Pfft. I’m the one invading it

**Joe** : What are we talking about??

**Frank** : Your bestie’s been watching Godzilla movies again

**Joe** : How?

  
**Steve** : It’s not just GODZILLA, u uncultured swine. There are other movies about giant monsters, too

**Joe** : But where do u get the movies??

**Steve** : Oh, I find em online. Sometimes the humans upload something and its pretty good

**Pete** : I can’t believe that just came out of your mouth

**Joe** : Or text

**Frank** : FLESHIE SYMPATHIZER

**Steve** : HA, I dont love the fleshies, Frank. Take a chill pill I just love their movies

**Joe** : I would have thought you were a Disney princess sort of guy

**Steve** : *gasp* YOU TOO??

**Steve** : My favorite is Rapunzel because she stops bad guys with her hair

**Steve** : Her HAIR, guys!

**Pete** : Wow

**Frank** : Sometimes, this planet makes my soul hurt.

**Pete** : I agree, Frank

**_Jimmy_** _,_ ** _Axel_** _, and_ ** _Knock_** **_Out_** _are online_

**Axel** : Hey guys whats upppp

**Steve** : OH HAI Axel!!!!

**Axel** : Steve HAIII

**Joe** : Where were u last week when we started this up??

**Axel** : Nobody was on by the time I got there

**Jimmy** : Are you guys talking about … princesses??

**Axel** : PRINCESSES?!

**Axel** : What’s a princess?

**Knock** **Out** : Well, according to Disney, it’s lucrative merchandise

**Steve** : Ow.

**Knock** **Out** : Its true, princesses make a ridiculous amount of human money

**Knock** **Out** : You make a movie with a “good” politically correct story, pander to everyone and their wishes, include a female protagonist with a pretty face, and watch the money roll in

**Joe** : I think you know way too much about human stuff Knock Out

**Knock** **Out** : Who are you again?

**Joe** : I’m Steve’s more sensible best friend.

**Knock** **Out** : NOBODY CARES

**Frank** : This whole conversation stinks

**Steve** : No!!! talking about Disney is so coooooolll

**Frank** : Everybody here is cool EXCEPT the princess lover

**Steve** : Wow didn’t come here 2 b attacked :\

**Jimmy** : Guys, for the first time ever I’m cool

**Axel** : Its ok miner boi we all think ur cool anyway!!

**Jimmy** : I <3 u guys!

**Frank** : Yecch

**Pete** : Um… What’s that noise?

**Steve** : What noise?

**Joe** : Oh I hear it

**Axel** : Not a good noise — no sir

**Knock** **Out** : Its way too loud

**Frank** : Whatever it is I don’t like it

**Jimmy** : I’m in a mine… What are you guys talking about??

**Axel** : There’s a noise.

**Joe** : Steve’s just standing there

**Joe** : STEVE

**Steve** : What

**Joe** : U know we can all hear that, right? That isn’t a voice in your head

**Steve** : It isn’t??

**Steve** : Oh THAT noise

**Steve** : I totally thought I was the only one hearing that

**Joe** : Its coming from the engine rooms

**Joe** : I’m gonna go check it out

**Knock** **Out** : That’s how all horror movies start Joe

**Steve** : Don’t worry he’s bringing a posse

**Steve** : Me and Axel are his posse

**Pete** : Joe is doomed.

**Jimmy** : Sorry, miner here — What noise??

**Knock** **Out** : Its this weird high-pitched screeching sound — very repetitive

**Knock** **Out** : If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was Starscream

**Steve** : AHAHAHA

**Joe** : OK, I’m at the engine rooms w/ Steve and Axel

**Joe** : … Apparently Frank is here too

**Frank** : HA, I got here before youuuuuuu

**Pete** : Don’t be childish Frank

**Frank** : Ugh, yes MOM

**Pete** : Oh please

**Joe** : Who wants to open the doors??

**Axel** : It could be dangerous…

**Steve** : Steve’s right, we don’t know what kind of dangerous alien could be inside

**Steve** : So Frank, you go first

**Frank** : Buncha wusses

**Pete** : Careful Frank

**Steve** : Okay status update, Frank opened the door and we’re officially not dead

**Knock** **Out** : Joy.

**Steve** : What is that thing up there??

**Knock** **Out** : What thing

**Steve** : its this weird fluffy thing up in the ceiling beams

**Axel** : Is that a bird??

**Pete** : It’s a bird.

**Knock** **Out** : A bird?

**Frank** : KILL IT!

**Steve** : No Frank, we have to get it out without making a mess

**Frank** : Nah, let’s kill it

**Axel** : We do need the target practice

**Joe** : True

**Pete** : YOU GUYS WE’RE IN AN ENGINE ROOM

**Frank** : … So?

**Pete** : You can’t fire lasers in here!!

**Axel** : Why not??

**Pete** : Oh, I dunno, maybe… BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE BLOWN TO SLAG BY AN EXPLODING ENGINE!!!

**Knock** **Out** : While I did look forward to you all having to learn the lesson the hard way, I have to thank Pete for saving me the trouble of writing a long and annoying report about your fatal stupidity for Lord Megatron

**Pete** : Thank you Knock Out

**Joe** : So how do we get this thing out??

**Frank** : I still think we should kill it.

**Steve** : If we had Elsa’s ice powers, we could freeze it!

**Joe** : That is the stupidest thing I think you’ve ever said

**Axel** : I think we should keep it!

**Pete** : You were one of the two who wanted to shoot it a few seconds ago

**Axel** : I changed my mind, I think it’s kinda cute

**Frank** : I think you can’t get any dumber

**Jimmy** : KO, should we do something, or…?

**Knock** **Out** : I’m enjoying the show until they decide to do something else stupid

**Knock** **Out** : Unfortunately I’m required to stop them if they do

**Jimmy** : Oh… that’s going to be fun to watch, sir

**Knock** **Out** : You … you called me SIR!

**Jimmy** : Yes?

**Knock** **Out** : He called me sir he called me sir he called me sir he called me sir he called me sir

**Steve** : Thanks Jimmy, you broke Knock Out

**Joe** : And we have a bird to chase

**Frank** : IT JUST DROPPED SOME WHITE STUFF ON MY HEAD

**Knock** **Out** : Why don’t the rest of you call me sir?

**Frank** : GET BACK HERE YOU WINGED RODENT

**Joe** : Wow. It just scrapped on Frank’s head

**Steve** : AHAHAHAA I’M DYINGGGG

**Axel** : It’s really fast —

**Frank** : DIE!!!!!!

**Jimmy** : I didn’t think Earth organisms could go fast?

**Pete** : Elsa do something!

**Steve** : MY NAME IS NOT ELSA

**Joe** : Funny how you responded to it anyway.

**Steve** : I JUST LIKE FROZEN OKAY????

**Jimmy** : I can’t believe I’m watching actual Decepticons talk about frozen right now

**Axel** : What is the frozen about??

**Steve** : *GASP* Joe, shall we??

**Pete** : Joe, NO

**Steve** : Joe, YES

**Joe** : LET IT GOOOOO

**Steve** : LET IT GOOOOO

**Joe** : CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMOOOOORE

**Steve** : LET IT GOOOO

**Joe** : LET IT GOOOOO

**Steve** : Turn AWAY and SLAM THE DOOR!!!

**Pete** : No. Just no

**Frank** : I take it back. The bird can live. I’ll just slag all of you instead

**Pete** : No, Frank.

**Jimmy** : I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

**Knock** **Out** : Laugh.

**Axel** : The bird flew up there!

**Joe** : It’s in the spot right between the ceiling and the main engine manifold.

**Jimmy** : I’m so confused.

**Steve** : How do you think the reader feels?

**Jimmy** : The what?

**Axel** : Bird’s too high I can’t reach it

**Frank** : No slag, Sherlock

**Pete** : Frank, that’s rude

**Steve** : Maybe if we stack on top of each other we can reach it

**Knock** **Out** : Want me to come down there and help?

**Joe** : No way, Shorty

**Knock** **Out** : SHORTY??

**Steve** : Yeah you’re like, the smallest Decepticon.

**Axel** : Even we’re taller than you

**Knock** **Out** : HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SHORT??

**Pete** : Look on the bright side, at least compared to the humans, you’re a giant.

**Jimmy** : “giant” might be stretching it a little

**Frank** : I’ve met Minicons taller than you

**Knock Out** : Noooooooo!!!

**Joe** : He went from Sir to Shorty in about ten minutes

**Knock** **Out** : AUUUGH!

**Frank** : Knock Out, you’re short, get over it

**Knock** **Out** : Quiet, or I’ll have you opened up on a surgical table before you can say SLAG

**Steve** : I would tell you a joke about short people, but I think it would go right over your head. 

**Knock** **Out** : AUUGH!!

**Joe** : Wow thanks Steve

**Pete** : oh no!!!!

**Pete** : FRANK WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE

**Frank** : I’m gettin this bird if its the last thing I do

**Jimmy** : It might BE the last thing you do

**Pete** : Frank, get DOWN from there!

**Axel** : Do it man DO IT!!

**Joe** : I have to warn you that this is a stupid idea

**Frank** : too late!

**Joe** : *shrug*

**Steve** : He’s climbing up the manifold…

**Axel** : YEAH GO FRANK

**Steve** : Oh…

**Steve** : He fell.

**Steve** : Whoops!

**Pete** : STEVE

**Steve** : Hehe sorry I couldnt help it

**Frank** : Steve you slagging sonofaglitch im gonna kill you!

**Steve** : Get in line buddy

**Frank** : YOU KNOCKED ME OFF ON PURPOSE

**Axle** : Aw, now the bird’s flown out

**Joe** : This won’t be good

**Steve** : Bird just owned Frank

**Frank** : GRAB IT

**Frank** : CHASE IT DOWN

**Pete** : We cant let it go onto the bridge, it’ll cause chaos!!!

**Steve** : Then go gog googogogogo!!!

**Joe** : Why do we need to chase it??

  
**Frank** : That bird has an attitude. It flew off and mocked me, and now it must PAY

**Knock** **Out** : Hahahaha

**Steve** : Frank not gonna be owned by a bird

**Knock** **Out** : HAHAhaha

**Pete** : Steve…

**Frank** : NOT GONNA BE OWNED BY A BIRD

**Frank** : STEVE, ARE YOU WITH ME??!?!

**Steve** : LET’S DO THIS MAN

**Frank** : YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!

**_Steve_ ** _is offline_

**_Frank_ ** _is offline_

**Knock** **Out** : AHAHAHAHA

**Joe** : Annnd … there they go, running own the hallway and screaming like ruddy idiots

**Axel** : I can hear Knock Out laughing from here

**Pete** : Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with Frank

**Pete** : or the rest of you

**Axel** : Because you’re literally our mom

**Jimmy** : *O*

**Jimmy** : Pete will you be our mommmm???

**Pete** : No, stop asking me.

**Jimmy** : Yes, momma :)

**Pete** : Jimmy…

**Axel** : Pete, it’s useless. U know Jimmy is too sweet to refuse

**Pete** : Unfortunately true.

**Jimmy** : QvQ Momma!

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**Clicker** : What’s all that noise?

**Joe** : Hi, Clicker. We found a bird in the engine rooms, and Frank and Steve are trying to chase it down

**Jimmy** : While we commentate

**Axel** : I’m just standing here

**Joe** : Also, Pete’s been elected the new Mom

**Clicker** : Fits

**Knock** **Out** : Hello Clicker.

**Clicker** : Oh, heLLO, random person whom I have never met before!

**Knock** **Out** : Have you come to apologize??

**Clicker** : Nuh-uh. Never ever, not to a narcissist like yourself

**Knock** **Out** : Ooh, still sore from last week’s beatdown, are we?? I bet you’re still embarrassed about that

**Clicker** : Wow. Didn’t know you guys allowed WISENHEIMERS on this chat.

**Knock** **Out** : I would kill you, but Megatron needs his precious cannon fodder to keep this ship in the air

**Clicker** : Whatever, shorty. You don’t scare me

**Pete** : by the way, the noise you’re all hearing is the sound of two idiots trying to chase a bird which is smarter than both of them combined

**Axel** : Ha true

**Joe** : No offense, Axel ol buddy, but you’re not quite the sharpest knife in the block, either

**Axel** : Huh?

**Clicker** : OH SWEET PRIMUS

**Clicker** : THE BRIDGE

**Clicker** : WHY ARE THEY WITH ME ON THE BRIDGE?!?!?!?

**Knock** **Out** : I MIGHT have opened the doors to the bridge accidentally

**Knock** **Out** : And the bird MIGHT have accidentally been persuaded to go in there

**Knock** **Out** : But that’s just speculation :D

**Clicker** : KNOCK OUT I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is offline_

**Clicker** : NOOOOOO

**Clicker** : SOMEONE GET STEVE AND FRANK AND THE STUPID BIRD OUT OF HERE!!!!

**Joe** : Oh my, it sounds like chaos up there. Should we help??

**Pete** : I feel like it’s my responsibility to help

**Jimmy** : Cuz you’re the mom and all

**Pete** : Thanks, Jimmy, thank you so much for reminding me of that

**Axel** : But the rest of us can stay here, riiiiiiight??

**Joe** : Heck ya, I’m staying. I already got in trouble because of Steve once this week

**Axel** : OH MY GOSH WHAT IF SOUNDWAVE FINDS OUT

**Pete** : Bold of u to assume he doesn’t already know about everything

**Jimmy** : true

**Joe** : Hey, Clicker, u ok?

**Joe** : Clicker??

**Joe** : Maybe Clicker died

**Pete** : Maybe, in their delirious frenzy, Steve and Frank missed the bird and shot Clicker instead

**Axel** : I’ll miss him

**Jimmy** : me too, he was so funny

**Clicker** : !@QEQW#EQSSWWSQA23QSAW23e2wq

**Joe** : Uh… Click?

**Clicker** : SOUNDWAVE’S COMING

**Clicker** : TIME TO PANIC

  
  
**Pete** : Calm down

**Clicker** : PANIC!!!

**Pete** : Clicker, stop.

**Clicker** :

**Pete** : Click, STOP

**Clicker** : 

**Clicker** : AaAAaaaaAAUUUGgghhHH!HHHH!!

**Clicker** :

**Clicker** : DO YOU GET IT YET??

**Pete** : Are Steve and Frank still in there with the bird?

**Clicker** : OF COURSE THEY ARE!!!!!!! WHY DO YOU THINK I’M PANICKING??

**Clicker** : DO YOU THINK SOUNDWAVE JUST MAKES ME PANIC FOR NO REASON???!!!

**Axel** : Well, he makes ME panic for no reason…

**Clicker** : It’s UTTER CHAOS on the bridge, and I am going to be held responsible because I’m the ONLY SANE VEHICON IN HERE

**Clicker** : ALSO THE BIRD DROPPED SOMETHING WET ON MY HEAD

**Clicker** : PANIC I SAY!!!!!

**Clicker** : 

**Pete** : Calm down

**Clicker** : Okay…

**Clicker** : Okay. I’m all right

**Pete** : Of course you are

**Axel** : Not.

**Clicker** : Recap: The bird is STILL in here, the idiots are STILL in here, and Soundwave is STILL coming!

**Clicker** : Also your two buddies made a huge mess of the main control board! NOTHING is organized anymore!

**Axel** : You got more bad news, bud. Sounds like Megatron’s heading that way, too

**Clicker** : AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHH!!!!!!

**Joe** : Maybe they’ll both run into each other and stop to have a conversation?

**Pete** : Oh sure, Soundwave is going to break his millennia-long vow of silence to say “Oh hey Megs how ya doin’?”

**Axel** : Ha, no

**Clicker** : You guys…

**Clicker** : they’re RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FRAGGING DOOR

**Pete** : Calm DOWN Click

**Clicker** : 

**Clicker** : No joke, guys, I’m going to die

**Axel** : Hard to believe all this is because of a bird

**Clicker** : *GASP* They touched my monitor board.

**Clicker** : MY monitor board!

**Joe** : Uh-oh

**Axel** : Them boys done made Clicker mad…

**Clicker** : THAT’S IT. I’m handling this myself

**_Clicker_ ** _is offline_

**Joe** : I almost feel sorry for Megatron and Soundwave

**Pete** : Why

**Joe** : Because of Clicker

**Jimmy** : How much damage can 3 Vehicons and a bird actually do?

**Joe** : Enough.

**Pete** : I almost hope Clicker finds a way to throw Frank out of the airlock at a ridiculous speed

**Joe** : Same

**Axel** : What is that sound??

**Pete** : I think Steve just screamed

**Joe** : Clicker must have put on his Batman face

**Jimmy** : You think?

**Joe** : Either that or Megatron walked in the room

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is online_

**Knock** **Out** : WHAT are you idiots doing?

**Pete** : Standing by the engine rooms, why?

**Knock** **Out** : Someone just Groundbridged Steve and Frank into my fragging medibay!

**Axel** : Interesting.

**Jimmy** : We know nothing about it, sir.

**Knock** **Out** : *0* HE CALLED ME SIR!!

  
  
**Joe** : Why is that a point of joy for you??

**Knock** **Out** : I get no respect around here

**Jimmy** : Aw, I’m sure that isn’t true

**Axel** : Oh, it’s true

**Axel** : I disrespect him myself, on a regular basis

**Knock** **Out** : The point is … Someone Groundbridged two messy, stupid idiots onto my table, and I know exactly who’s responsible

**Axel** : Suspense is killing me

**Knock** **Out** : CLICKER! THIS IS ALL CLICKER’s FAULT!!!!

**Joe** : Now why would Clicker do something like that?

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**Clicker** : Hey Doc, like your present??

**Knock** **Out** : I hate you.

**Joe** : What happened, Click?

**Clicker** : I was panicking, as you know. But I remembered that I could generate Groundbridges with my monitor.

**Clicker** : So I opened a bridge, shoved the two idiots through, and the rest is history

**Clicker** : Right, Knock Out??

**Knock** **Out** : This means war

**Knock** **Out** : WAR, I SAY!

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is offline_

**Axel** : He didn’t even say goodbye.

**Jimmy** : Guess Soundwave isn’t the only one who’s bridge-savvy

**Axel** : What happened to the bird?

**Pete** : I’m more worried about what’s happening to Steve and Frank right now

**Axel** : But the bird…

**Joe** : Forget about the bird, it’s probably dead

**Clicker** : Bad news guys I think Megatron saw our chat thread over my shoul 12qaQWS2Qw

**Joe** : Oh slag

**Pete** : IS CLICKER DEAD?

**Clicker** : This is Lord Megatron. What is the meaning of this?

**Joe** : Uhm… PETE, you’re the spokesman

**Pete** : Sir, we are Vehicons, and this is an interconnected chat thread which we share to complete duties and clear up miscommunications.

**Axel** : Nice

**Clicker** : I never gave permission for such a system. Who is responsible for this?

**Pete** : Joe, get Steve on here.

**Joe** : Working on it

**_Steve_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Clicker! Why the eternal slag did you bridge me out?! I had that bird in my sights!

**Clicker** : The Vehicon you call “Clicker” has been temporarily relieved of his duties.

**Steve** : Haha, you’re talking like Megatron. That’s funny, Clicker.

**Clicker** : There is nothing amusing about this whatsoever.

**Steve** : Um … guys?

**Pete** : That IS Lord Megatron, Steve

**Steve** : Oh

**Steve** : Scrap

**Steve** : Lord Megatron, sir! Trooper ST-373 reporting

**Clicker** : You created this communications system?

**Steve** : Sort of, sir.

**Steve** : I found an old datapad of Soundwave’s and was able to run the program from there.

It’s meant to increase morale and work when the ship is out of commlink range with the mines.

**Clicker** : I see. And you use this advanced system to shirk your duties?

**Pete** : NO sir! We were just trying to help get a bird out of the ship

**Clicker** : Rather than work.

**Pete** : I assure you, Lord, that is most definitely not the case. Miner UX-561 has been working this whole time, haven’t you Jim?

**Jimmy** : Yes, sir I have.

**Clicker** : Miner, you say? Tell me, UX-561, does this system increase morale?

**Jimmy** : Oh, yes sir, I’ve had to resist the urge to laugh several times today

**Clicker** : I can’t have frivolity among the troops while you are on duty. You’ll need someone more … responsible on this text-based interface to keep you accountable.

**Steve** : You mean, you’re letting us keep it?

**Steve** : I mean, Lord Megatron sir?

**Clicker** : I might be persuaded to allow a deviance from the rules, but this is the only time I will do so. If you attempt something like this without permission again, I will terminate you. Soundwave is very good at finding out who is guilty of insubordination. Is that understood?

**Steve** : Yes, sir

**Pete** : Yes, sir

**Jimmy** : Yes, sir.

**Axel** : Yes sir

**Clicker** : And since Soundwave is the one who is indirectly responsible for this little… enterprise, I will be commanding him to join you in order to keep you accountable and report to me, if necessary.

**Pete** : We understand, sir.

**Clicker** : How fortunate for you.

**Clicker** : Now how do I get off this thing?

**Clicker** : What do I press

**_Clicker_ ** _is offline_

**Jimmy** : The worst part about that is that it might be true

**Pete** : Clicker might actually be offline at this point.

**Joe** : “What do I press” hahaha

**Steve** : Can’t believe Soundwave’s going to keep us accountable. It’s not going to be any fun

**Axel** : Wait, SOUNDWAVE?

**Jimmy** : Yeah, were you not listening?

**Joe** : Pretty sure he zoned out after his “yes sir”

**Axel** : HE WON’T CATCH ME ALIVE

**_Axel_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : He gone

**Joe** : He actually has a valid fear though

  
**Pete** : Anyone heard from Clicker yet? Or Frank?

**Steve** : oh Frank’s w/ me. He landed hard on his head when he Groundbridged and he’s not functioning well yet

**_Frank_ ** _is online_

**Frank** : hhhhhhhheeeeerieyyeyeey yiu you yui guyzzsz!

**Pete** : Sweet Cybertron!

**Pete** : Elsa, what did you DO?

**Steve** : I didn’t do anything!

**Joe** : He’s clearly not ok

**Steve** : That explains why Knock Out’s mumbling curses and hauling him onto an operating table

**Frank** : Hhhhheyyy, did yyyyyouu ggettrgtt the birddie yet?

**Jimmy** : No, we have not got the birddie

**Steve** : Clicker’s the only one who knows what happened to that stupid bird, and he’s either dead or getting the Megatron lecture of a lifetime.

**Joe** : Hence, we may never know

**Frank** : Bbbut I HAFTA KNOW hrrrrgtgrghrhhhhh

**_Frank_ ** _is offline_

**Pete** : Oh, no

**_Pete_ ** _is offline_

**Jimmy** : Mom went to go check on her son

**Joe** : They are SO not related

**Steve** : Guys, do you hear that??

**Jimmy** : oh, no

**Joe** : Here we go again!

**Steve** : The bird’s LOOSE

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**Jimmy** : CLICKER! Oh thank goodness, we thought you were dead!

**Steve** : This IS Clicker, right, not Lord Megatron?

**Clicker** : it’s me. I just got my aft handed to me with words.

**Joe** : I think the word is castigated

**Steve** : Shut up Thesaurus

**Steve** : Clicker, Megs really hauled you over the coals, huh?

**Clicker** : Oh, yeah, he tore me off a strip

**Clicker** : Also, the noise you’re hearing is the bird. I caught it in my hand and it doesn’t like that

**Jimmy** : Hooray!

**Joe** : Our troubles are over!

**Steve** : Man, I really wanted to catch it.

**Clicker** : I’m releasing it out the side hatch now.

**Jimmy** : why not keep it?

**Joe** : We already have Laserbeak. Why do we need another birdbrain to look after?

**Joe** : Meant with the most respect to Soundwave of course :)

**Jimmy** : The Autobots aren’t going to shoot at a normal bird. We can train it to spy on them

**Clicker** : naw, I’m chucking it

**Clicker** : Wow, it really can’t fly well

**Clicker** : I think it just got sucked into our turbine!

**Jimmy** : !!!!!! NOOOOOOO

**Joe** : We don’t have a turbine, Jimmy

**Clicker** : XD The bird’s fine Jim

**Steve** : Jim, you are the most gullible Bot

**Joe** : Sweet, though

**Jimmy** : Wow thanks. You almost made me tip this drill

**Clicker** : Welp, bird problem solved. That was kinda horrible

**Steve** : But kinda fun!

**Joe** : We’ll have to tell Glitch and Sidelock about all of this when they get back

**Jimmy** : Especially about Mom and Elsa

**Clicker** : What you guys wanna do next?

**_Soundwave_ ** _is online_

**Clicker** : On second thought… Bye!

**_Clicker_ ** _is offline_

**_Joe_ ** _is offline_

**_Jimmy_ ** _is offline_

**_Steve_ ** _is offline_

**Soundwave** : …

**Soundwave:** :)

**_Soundwave_ ** _is offline_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHAHA I can't believe I wrote this garbage. 
> 
> Okay, so a few mentions: 
> 
> Thanks to The_Traveller and ThatNinjaFox for leaving kudos! I would love to hear from you guys (or gals?). NottheBankofAmerica left a kudos on here and I didn't give a thank-you. How insensitive of me. 
> 
> You legends.
> 
> And this is prolly not obvious, but the character's names in here have some meaning. Steve is the Vehicon everyone knows about; he's the one who might break the fourth wall occasionally and acts a little silly. Joe is his best friend, and I picked his name because he's like an average joe, like the saying. 
> 
> Jimmy's a miner, Axel is an air-based fighter, and Clicker's the monitor guy who bridged back Starscream after the events of Shadowzone. Those three names I made up on the spot (although Clicker's name already exists in canon, technically. All the best names are taken). 
> 
> Clicker's my favorite. 
> 
> Pete and Frank are -- you guessed it! -- a shout-out to Peter Cullen and Frank Welker, two of the greatest voice actors of all time. They're friends in real life as well, and you'll understand how ironic that is when you look at the characters they voice.
> 
> Knock Out is, as per usual, exasperated. I like to think he's having fun, though. 
> 
> Soundwave is, as per usual, awesome. He didn't make much of an appearance this chapter, but I assure you, that will change. 
> 
> Have a great day! See y'all soon!


	3. Paint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clicker might have accidentally started a prank war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos! I love hearing from you guys, and your feedback really makes my day a lot better. 
> 
> Thanks to Bluemoon_demon, Proud_hamilfan, blueskyscribe, Quill18, KittyDemon9000, LiagibaSiYseehc, ToraOkami303, ThatNinjaFox, The_Traveller, and NottheBankofAmerica for leaving kudos! 
> 
> And to all the guests, I might not know who you are, but you matter! Thank you so much for the kudos!

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**_Axel_ ** _is online_

**_Glitch_ ** _is online_

**_Sidelock_ ** _is online_

**Axel** : I”M GOING TO DIE YOUGUSY

**Glitch** : Um… what?

**Sidelock** : I’m missing something, I know it.

**Clicker** : I dunno, he’s kind of like this normally

**Glitch** : Like what?

**Axel** : I THINK I’VE BEEN SHOT, WHAT DO I DO? MEDIC!

**Axel** : I’m SEEING STARS

**Axel** : Oh, they’re so pretty…

**Axel** : I want one!!

**Clicker** : Like that.

**Sidelock** : Axel, did you say you’ve been shot?

**Axel** : Huh?

**Axel** : Oh yeah

**Axel** : I’VE BEEN SHOT

**Glitch** : Do you need help? Where are you?

**Axel** : I wish they would make girl Vehicons

**Axel** : In orange.

**Sidelock** : What are you talking about?

**Axel** : Orange is a good femme color. We could name one of them Apricot

**Axel** : And another one could be called Starburst

**Axel** : Cuz you know, orange. Like the candy

**Glitch** : Does anyone understand what’s wrong with him??

**Clicker** : Yeah. He’s an idiot

**Sidelock** : Where are you, Axel?

**Axel** : I’m on the ground, with 1 arm. Where do you think I am, I’ve been shot

**Clicker** : He must have been deployed on that defense squad megatron ordered.

**Glitch** : What squad?

**Clicker** : It was assigned this morning. Don’t you check the monitors?

**Sidelock** : Glitch doesn’t touch the computers because … reasons

**Clicker** : Oh, yeah, sorry bud.

**Clicker** : There was a squad deployed this morning to respond to an Autobot attack on one of our mines.

**Clicker** : Apparently, the Autobots made short work of the idiot.

**Axel** : I like orange.

**Axel** : I also like pink.

**Axel** : *0* One of the girls could be named BUBBLEGUM

**Sidelock** : Axel, what happened?

**Axel** : Oh Yeah I’VE BEEN SHOT

**Sidelock** : What happened AFTER you were shot

**Axel** : Uhhhh, I dunno. We kinda just flew down and started blasting Autobots and then BANG I was shot and now I’m lying on the ground

**_Steve_ ** _is online_

**_Joe_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Does anyone know how to treat a leaking arm stub?

**Joe** : Knock Out does

**Steve** : No duh. Anyone else? Axel’s bleeding all over the place and he’s making up OCs like there’s no tomorrow

**Steve** : We need a Groundbridge Clicker!

**Clicker** : Can’t, the Autobots aren’t gone yet.

**Glitch** : I think you have to secure his main fuel line and make sure the wound won’t get infected by any debris

**Steve** : Do I just take the dirt out with my fingers or what?

**Glitch** : Yes, but you have to be CAREFUL. Remove dirt or debris as neatly as you can, and then you have to cauterize the leak.

**Steve** : What’s cauterize again?

**Clicker** : BURN IT SHUT

**Steve** : Oh boy. Walk me through it

**Glitch** : Just charge up your blaster and hold it to the mesh of the fuel line, pinching it shut, until you see the edges fuse together

**Glitch** : Make sure the fuel line is DRY before you burn. We don’t want him exploding

**Steve** : This is gonna get so ugly

**Steve** : Joe, watch our backs

**Joe** : No promises, these are Autobots fps

**_Steve_ ** _is offline_

**Axel** : Oh haiiii steve!

**Axel** : Wait, what r u doin

**Axel** : What is the blaster for

**Axel** : Steve???

**Axel** : STEVE????

**Axel** : Oh FRAG

**Axel** : oiuf-e902eijfim10-3pelws

**Axel** : OIUIOQYRYEUICHQWwsa

**Sidelock** : Eugh

**Clicker** : Yeah, cauterizing ain’t exactly painless

**Joe** : AXEL quiet down!

**Joe** : The Autobots are gonna hear us!!

**Axel** : NNNNGHHHGGHGHHH

**Axel** : THAT HURTS

**Axel** : STEVE YOU FRAGGING GLITCH-HEAD

**Axel** : HALF-CLOCKED TORQUELESS SON OF A SCRAPLET

**Axel** : SPARK-EATING SPAWN OF THE UNMAKER I HOPE YOU GET SHOT

**_Steve_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Okay I got it

**Steve** : Thanks 4 walking me thru it Glitch!

**Glitch** : No problem

**Sidelock** : Can’t believe Axel just spouted off all that profanity

**Clicker** : And spelled so flawlessly, too…

**Joe** : Beats hearing him actually scream it out loud.

**Clicker** : Fairs

**Steve** : Glitch, how did u know what 2 do for a severed arm?

**Glitch** : I get bored a lot, so I read medical files sometimes

**Clicker** : Hehehe me too, Knock Out hates it :)

**Glitch** : Axel’s going to need a few Energon doses once he gets back. In the meantime, elevate his arm until Clicker can send a bridge

**Steve** : Okay got it

**Steve** : pretty sure Axe-man hates me, btw.

**Axel** : I HATE YOU

**Glitch** : He’ll get over it.

**Sidelock** : Yeah, once he finds out Glitch told you to do it, you’ll be un-hated, Steve.

**Clicker** : Okay, we’re seeing all Autobot signatures leaving the area. You guys want a bridge?

**Joe** : Slag YES

**Axel** : GET ME OUTTA HERE

**Clicker** : One bridge straight to the medibay comin’ right up

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is online_

**Knock** **Out** : What the FRAG

**Steve** : Language, Doc

**Knock Out** : The medibay was JUST cleaned, I’ve JUST finished repairing the two dirt-kissing idiots, and I have twelve MORE injured Vehicons in here from the last mining explosion which JUST happened…

**Knock** **Out** : and now THIS?!

**Sidelock** : He big mad

**Knock** **Out** : There is Energon EVERYWHERE

**Knock** **Out** : And who sealed this wound?

**_Glitch_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : Glitch did it

**Knock** **Out** : I don’t know who the frag Glitch is, but he should have been a medic

**Steve** : wut.

**Knock** **Out** : He saved this drone’s sorry life

**Sidelock** : Haha Glitch is freaking out he’s so happy

**_Ricky_ ** _is online_

**_Bobby_ ** _is online_

**Ricky** : WOW LOOK AT THIS BOBBSTER

**Bobby** : HOT SLAG WE’RE ON A GROUP CHAT

**Ricky** : YAAAAAYYYY

**Bobby** : YAAAAAYYYYYY

**Ricky** : YAAAAAYYYYYYY

**Steve** : YAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

**Bobby** : HI STEVE

**Steve** : HI BOBBY

**Ricky** : HI STEVE

**Steve** : HI RICKY

**Axel** : HI RICKY

**Ricky** : HI AXEL

**Axel** : HI BOBBY

**Bobby** : HI AXEL

**Clicker** : Please stop

**Sidelock** : I wanna go bang my head against the wall

**Steve** : HI AXEL

**Axel** : Well well well… STEVE

**Axel** : YOU SLAG SPOUTING BOLTHEADED EXCUSE FOR A WORKING MECHANISM

**Axel** : YOU TINFOIL TURKEY

**Axel** : YOU DYNAMETAL DOLT

**Axel** : I HATE YOU

**Ricky** : WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM

**Bobby** : HE SOUNDS MAD

**Clicker** : Why are you both typing in all caps??

**Ricky** : WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF

**Bobby** : HOW DO WE FIX IT

**Clicker** : There’s a little button next to the A that should turn it off.

**Bobby** : SSSSSSSSSSSS

**Ricky** : SSSSSSSS

**Bobby** : IT’S NOT WORKING

**Sidelock** : Ahahahaha oh I’m dying

**Axel** : I’M THE ONE DYING

**Knock** **Out** : You’re not dying, thanks to Glitch.

**Axel** : YES I AM DYING THANKS TO STEVE

**Ricky** : Hey, look I turned it off!

**Ricky** : Bobby, press the other button

**Bobby** : WHICH BUTTON

**Bobby** : THERE ARE SO MANY BUTTONS

**Bobby** : I LIKE BUTTONS

**Bobby** : O@IJFMW(ROUI<P(*O%VTLIDJNJXNKLDI#FBOAK

**Bobby** : I WANTED TO PRESS ALL THE BUTTONS

**Clicker** : how about you press the Caps Lock button.

**Bobby** : WHY Oh that’s why

**Knock** **Out** : I think I’m going to have an aneurysm

**Steve** : A what?

**Sidelock** : Glitch says it’s like having your brain explode

**Axel** : OOOOOWWWWWW

**Knock** **Out** : Hold still

**Axel** : IT HURRRTTSSS MEEEEEE

  
  
 **Knock** **Out** : Yeah, yeah

**Axel** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

_**Axel** is offline_

**Knock** **Out** : Big stupid baby

**Steve** : What’s the damage, Doc?

**Joe** : Is he gonna be okay?

**Ricky** : Where did all this Energon come from?

**Bobby** : I think it came from Axel

**Ricky** : ewww

**Bobby** : eeewwww

**Ricky** : Eeeeewww!!

**Bobby** : Ewwwwwwwww!!!

**Knock** **Out** : All right, you, you, out!

**Ricky** : Why?

**Knock** **Out** : JUST GET OUT OF THE MEDIBAY BEFORE I KILL YOU MYSELF

**Ricky** : Oh slag he’s got his buzzsaws

**Bobby** : Nope nope nope nope nope

**Steve** : hey, Knock Out, what’s that on your back?

**Knock** **Out** : What?

**Steve** : There’s something painted on your back

**Knock** **Out** : Impossible! I look absolutely flawless

**Steve** : Turn around … it says UGLY in big purple letters

**Knock** **Out** : UGLY??? PURPLE???

**Knock** **Out** : PURPLE DOES NOT GO WITH RED

**Knock** **Out** : WHICH OF YOU IDIOTS IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DISGUSTING LIE

**Clicker** :

**Clicker** : I WoNDeR who might have done this

**Knock** **Out** : I WILL GET YOU

**Clicker** : AHAHA Come at me, Doc!!!

**Joe** : Knock Out, you know he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you, right?

**Knock** **Out** : I’ll give him a reaction all right…

_**Knock** **Out** is offline_

**Steve** : He just left the medibay

**Clicker** : LET IT BEGIN

**Joe** : And so, the prank war has been officially declared.

**Clicker** : I have been waiting for this my whole LIFE

**Ricky** : We’re doing a prank war????

**Bobby** : I’m in!

**Ricky** : I’m double in!

**Sidelock** : Glitch says he’s in, which means I am too. Do we pick teams?

**Joe** : Yep, all of us against all of them

**Steve** : “Them” being everyone who would prolly kill us if they had the chance

**Joe** : In Pete’s absence, I guess I have to be the sensible adult. The rules are as follows:

**Joe** : No explosions, no death, no mortal injuries or assassination attempts, and no humans involved

**Clicker** : Rules???

**Clicker** : There ARE no RULES in a PRANK WAR!

**Clicker** : I CAN DO WHATEVER THE SLAG I WANT

**Sidelock** : Wow, I want Clicker on my team!

**Clicker** : No! I’m not on ANYBODY’S team

**Clicker** : I prank WHOM I please, WHEN I please, for WHATEVER reason pleases me!!!

**Clicker** : MUAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

_**Clicker** is offline_

**Joe** : We may be in danger.

**Steve** : Oh, you think? Just wait till Mom hears about this

_**Frank** is online_

_**Pete** is online_

_**Jimmy** is online_

**Pete** : Why do I hear screaming and profanity

**Joe** : That’s either Axel in pain, or it’s Knock Out staring at new addition to his paint job.

**Pete** : What?

**Steve** : Axel got shot by the Autobots on a deployment and Knock Out got pranked by Clicker

**Pete** : Ah.

**Frank** : He pranked Knock Out?

**Joe** : With purple paint

**Frank** : dang, Clicker is a BOSS

**Steve** : Oh, yeah, about that, y'all better buckle up, because the Great Prank War has officially begun

**Pete** : PRANK WAR??

**Ricky** : The ONLY war worth having

**Jimmy** : What’s a prank war??

**Joe** : It’s where you play tricks on your coworkers/friends to get a good laugh.

**Frank** : Preferably with as much injuries as possible

**Pete** : NO

**Frank** : YES

**Pete** : NO

**Bobby** : But pain is FUNNY…

**Pete** : NO! Do you know what will happen if Soundwave finds out we’ve started a Prank War??

**Steve** : He’ll … join in?

**Sidelock** : Ha. Can you imagine SW pulling a prank on Megs??

**Frank** : ahahahaaa

**Bobby** : ahahahaahahaha

**Ricky** : Hehehehehe

**Sidelock** : Oh, this is going to be so great, I gotta go tell Glitch!!!

_**Sidelock** is offline_

**Jimmy** : Can I help with the war?

**Pete** : Jim, how could you say that?

**Jimmy** : What I think it sounds fun

**Frank** : Forget it, squirt, we don’t need you!

**Jimmy** : D:

**Jimmy** : MOMMMM!!

**Pete** : Frank, don’t talk like that to him

**Frank** : Whatever, mom

**Pete** : Don’t call me mom.

**Frank** : Yes your Royal Momness

**Joe** : How did Pete even become Mom?

**Glitch** : I have no idea.

**Steve** : He’s the mom of us all

_**Axel** is online_

**Axel** : I am back

**Joe** : Here comes the world’s most certifiable idiot, finally

**Pete** : Feel better yet, Axel?

**Axel** : I’m angry at Steve

**Steve** : WHAT?

**Axel** : You hurt me!

**Steve** : I had to! I was trying to save you from bleeding out!

**Axel** : I DON’T CARE

**Steve** : Come on

**Axel** : I DON’T WANNA TALK TO YOU NO MORE

**Axel** : YOU EMPTY-HEADED ANIMAL FOOD-TROUGH WIPER

**Axel** : YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES

**Joe** : okay, who showed him Monty Python??

**Steve** : Guilty

**Steve** : I kinda feel like he’s throwing my own insults back at me

**Pete** : I am not a hamster.

**Axel** : Okay, I’m good

**Steve** : Seriously, just like that?

**Axel** : Yeah.

**Steve** : Okayyyy……… You wanna join the prank war?

**Axel** : YEAH

**Steve** : Great!

**Axel** : How does one do that?

**Joe** : We just all have to be prepared for anything. Clicker is probably going to strike first, so be on the lookout for him or Knock Out

**Frank** : WRONG

**Frank** : I WILL STRIKE FIRST

**Frank** : And Pete will strike WITH ME

**Pete** : Oh, no, I’m not going along with this

**Frank** : YES YOU ARE

**Pete** : ...Fine

**Axel** : Where is Knock Out??

**Joe** : Probably crying

**Ricky** : Hey Bob, I’ve got a great idea … :}

**Bobby** : I think I already know wot it is, mate >:)

**Ricky** : Let’s do it

_**Ricky** is offline_

**Bobby** : Cheerio, we’re off to make your lives miserable!

_**Bobby** is offline_

**Joe** : Okay, looks like it’s every pair for themselves

**Joe** : Steve, you’re with me

**Steve** : AW YEAH SUCKAS YOU ALL GOIN DOWN

**Axel** : Aw, I wanted to be on Steve’s team

**Pete** : This is utter chaos already

_**Soundwave** is online_

**Soundwave** : Query: Why are Ricky and Bobby in the oil storage bay?

**Axel** : AHH!

**Steve** : PANIC

**Jimmy** : Soundwave, sir, we can explain

**Soundwave** :#@#iuUDDIJZSAJHIONJHXA

**Soundwave** is offline

**Joe** : ??

**Steve** : ???

**Axel** : !!!!

**Jimmy** : What happened to Soundwave??

**Pete** : Did someone just jump Soundwave?

**Frank** : If they did, they’re probably dead now

_**Knock** **Out** is online_

**Knock** **Out** : I got him, I got him, I got him, I got him!

**Knock** **Out** : IN YOUR FACE

**Knock** **Out** : How do you like the NEON Pink Paint Buckets, Clicker???

**Knock** **Out** : Clicker?

**Knock** **Out** : Clicker??

**Knock** **Out** : It’s not fun if you don’t give a response.

**Joe** : That wasn’t Clicker.

**Knock** **Out** : Then who WAS it?

**Pete** : I think you just dumped buckets of pink paint all over Soundwave.

**Knock** **Out** : Ha! That’s RIDICULOUS!

**Knock** **Out** : I saw a slim, purple mech walking down the hall, it had to be Clicker!

**Knock** **Out** : But come to think of it, it did kind of have a Soundwave shape…

**Knock** **Out** : O PRIMUS

**Knock** **Out** : I JUST PRANKED SOUNDWAVE???!?!?!?!?

**Frank** : AHAHAHA

**Steve** : I want popcorn!

**Axel** : Me too

_**Soundwave** is online_

**Soundwave** : Would anyone like to explain?

**Steve** : IT’S KNOCK OUT’S FAULT

**Joe** : It’s Knock Out’s fault

**Frank** : Knock Out did it

**Axel** : AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

**Jimmy** : It was just a prank, Soundwave, sir, Knock Out was actually trying to get one of us.

**Soundwave** : Prank.

**Jimmy** : Yes sir.

**Soundwave** : …

**Soundwave** : Intriguing.

**Knock Ou** t: Oh SCRA ][_—{)(*$%#$UU(*UTH@(I

_**Knock** **Out** is offline_

**Axel** : AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

**Jimmy** : You didn’t kill Knock Out, did you sir??!!

**Soundwave** : Negative: he will recover.

**Frank** : I won’t — I’m dying of fragging laughter!!

**Pete** : I’m about to die from horror.

**Joe** : Jim, you’re pretty much the negotiator — do u mind?

**Jimmy** : Only if I can be a part of the cool team

**Frank** : You? HA

**Joe** : Shut up Frank

**Joe** : Yes, Jim, you’re officially cool.

**Jimmy** : Soundwave, sir, we apologize. We didn’t take into account any of the consequences; and didn’t mean for you to get involved. Please be kind to us. We didn’t mean any harm.

**Steve** : Spoken like a true Jimmy… *snif*

**Soundwave** : …

**Soundwave** : Statement: Pranks excellent for morale.

**Soundwave** : Vehicons need not fear reprimand.

**Pete** : WHEW

**Joe** : I can breathe again!

**Soundwave** : Vehicons must fear retaliation.

**Soundwave** : :)

_**Soundwave** is offline_

**Axel** : AAAAAAAUUUGHGHGH

**Frank** : he gonna get us

**Steve** : I’ve never seen that emoticon look so creepy before.

**Joe** : It sent chills up my spinal array for sure

**Jimmy** : Wait, this means Soundwave is part of the prank war???

**Joe** : Hardly. As far as we’re concerned, he IS the prank war

**Pete** : We’re doomed. We’re literally scrap.

**Frank** : Relax Mom, hes not gonna kill us

**Steve** : He’ll mess us up for sure tho

**Frank** : It’s gon be AWeSuM

**Axel** : AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

**Steve** : He hasn’t even done anything yet and he’s messed up Axel

**Joe** : Honestly thats not hard

**Jimmy** : Well what are we standing around here for? We have to go get ready!

**Joe** : Jim’s right I’ll meet you guys in the bridg 3980mr23fqt476di3o7yp8u9i 0ouwdykfxduhijopqjhkj

**Steve** : The frag 89279ro8tn67378sy9iuhdj

**Pete** : WHOA

**Frank** : WHEEEEEEE

**Axel** : WHAT’S GOING ON

**Pete** : Some idiot put OIL all over the BRIDGE walkway

**Steve** : Thanks for breaking our fall, Frank :)

**Frank** : GET OFF

**Axel** : Better you all than me

**Jimmy** : On second thought, maybe I should stay down in the mines and groundbridge up after this is all over…

**Pete** : HECK no, you wanted to be a part of this, and by slag you’re GONNA be! You get your sorry aft up here before I come down there and drag it up myself!

**Jimmy** : … Yes mom

**Pete** : Now, WHO DID THIS

**Steve** : I have two guesses

**_Ricky_ ** _is online_

**_Bobby_ ** _is online_

**Ricky** : Got ‘em!

**Bobby** : So got ‘em!!

**Pete** : YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOTS

**Steve** : You all done made Momma Pete mad

**Joe** : Pete’s not the only mad one

**Ricky** : Oh, there’s more coming

**Bobby** : Watch this

**Ricky** : Throw ze switch!

**Bobby** : Aye, sir!

**Steve** : Oh primus

**Joe** : Is that GLITTER?!

**Frank** : NOOOOOOOOO I can’t look pretty!!!!

**Frank** : THiS is An OutRaGE

**Frank** : Prepare for EXTERMINATION!!!!!

**Pete** : Frank

**Frank** : …Prepare for extermination IN THE LEAST LETHAL SENSE

**Ricky** : Hehehehehe

**Bobby** : heheheheh!!!

**_Ricky_ ** _is offline_

**_Bobby_ ** _is offline_

**Joe** : This calls for cold, frosty revenge

**Steve** : I agree

**Frank** : Guys, I’ve got a fantastic idea.

**Pete** : Frank no

**Frank** : FRANK YES

**Jimmy** : He’s probably got a good idea. Just considering who it is we’re talking about.

**Pete** : Fine, I’ll help you

**Steve** : Why would u help us, Mom??

**Pete** : BECAUSE I”M COVERED IN OIL AND GLITTER

**Pete** : Ricky and Bobby are about to be taken down a peg

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**Clicker** : You ladies enjoying the prank war??

**Joe** : It hasn’t even started yet!!!

**Clicker** : Oh yes it HAS

**Clicker** : Just wait till you see what I’m going to plant in the medibay for Knock Out later on…

**Clicker** : Hehehehee

**Pete** : Clicker, what did you do?

**Clicker** : It’s not what I’ve done, it’s what I’m going to do!

**Pete** : What are you GOING to do, then?

**Clicker** : That’s for me to know and poor KNOCKERS to find out…

**Clicker** : HeheheheHEHEHEEHEE

**Clicker** : Let’s see if any of YOU can last long enough to challenge me: THE PRANK MASTER

_**Clicker** is offline_

**Pete** : he’s insane.

**Pete** : I think he’s actually insane

**Steve** : He’s not insane, he’s just having fun. He’s a complex character, and the author happens to like him very much.

**Frank** : Well, we have to get him, too

**Joe** : Aren’t we forgetting the two immediate idiots??

**Steve** : Yeah, Ricky and Bobby have it coming

**Axel** : I wanna play too!!!

**Joe** : Then drag yourself out of the medibay and come participate

**Axel** : NO WAY it’s safe in here!

**Jimmy** : It’s only safe until Clicker gets there.

**Frank** : I have to go kill somebody

_**Frank** is offline_

**Pete** : I have to stop him/help him

_**Pete** is offline_

**Joe** : Steve, bud, it’s you and I against the whole blasted ship. We have to go prepare

**Steve** : YES. Let us PLOT

**Jimmy** : I’ll come up to the ship. This is going to be so fun!

**Jimmy** : But mostly scary

_**Joe** is offline_

_**Steve** is offline_

_**Jimmy** is offline_

**Axel** : Wait, I can’t be left alone in here!!!

**Axel** : DON’T LEAVE ME GUYS

**Axel** : Guys??

**Axel** : GUYS???

**Axel** : AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

_**Axel** is offline_

_**Glitch** is online_

**Glitch** : Um…

**Glitch** : Why is Soundwave covered in bright pink paint??

**Glitch** : Clicker better have a good explanation for this

**Glitch** : …I’ve never heard Lord Megatron laugh so loud.

**Glitch** : Come to think of it, I’ve never heard him laugh at all.

**Glitch** : Boy, he’s laughing a lot

**Glitch** : Hm, maybe this prank war isn’t such a bad idea…

_**Glitch** is offline_


	4. Fights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are a few shenanigans pulled, Steve takes the fourth wall outside and beats it to death, and the author makes a triumphant return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everybot! I said I would update on Saturday, and by golly, here I am!
> 
> It's a week later than the actual Saturday I promised, but oh well. This chapter is sufficiently long, and it's a bit heavier on the feelings than the last two chapters, but I think it'll be good. 
> 
> Enjoy, and tell me what you think in the comments please! You get the opportunity to ask the Vehicons questions about their lives, and they will all be answered in the next chapter! So don't be shy. What would you like to know?

**_Joe_ ** _is online_

**_Steve_ ** _is online_

**_Pete_ ** _is online_

**_Frank_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Good evening everybody!

**Joe** : What the slag makes you think this is a good evening?

**Steve** : Why u always gotta be so grumpy about everything

**Joe** : I’m not grumpy, i’m snarky

**Frank** : He’s grumpy

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is online_

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**Clicker** : WHEEEE!

**Clicker** : GOOD EVENING EVERYONE

**Knock** **Out** : Clicker, you’d better be fast if u wanna live

**Knock** **Out** : You’re gonna die in ways you can’t even imagine

**Clicker** : Only if you catch me :)

**Knock** **Out** : ARGH

**Joe** : What’s going on

**Steve** : I think the good doctor is out for blood

**Joe** : Why??

**Steve** : Because it’s a Tuesday

**Clicker** : Whew I think I’m safe for now

**Clicker** : He can run fast for such a short guy

**Knock** **Out** : I’ll be sure to cut you down to my level once I figure out where you’re hiding

**Joe** : Clicker what did you even do??

**Clicker** : Okay storytime!

**_TWO HOURS EARLIER…_ **

Clicker held back a snicker as he exited the medibay and took up his post in the communications room across from the door, waiting for the delicious moment of Knock Out’s arrival. This was going to be a very, _very_ fun day. Even better if he got out of it alive.

Yes. Being alive to witness the aftermath would be a big plus.

Suddenly, heavy footsteps, accompanied by a smaller, lighter pair, thudded down the adjoining hallway. Voices could be heard coming closer.

“Lord Megatron has been rather irritable lately, don’t you think?” Knock Out said. “In my opinion, our leader needs to lighten up, take a little time for detailing. He’s been looking a bit scuffed around the joints. All that pacing. Maybe he just needs a good fight to clear the air. He could spar with you, I suppose.”

“I think Soundwave would be better for that kind of thing,” a deep, rather burdened voice replied.

Good. Dreadwing was with him. Clicker rubbed his hands together briefly before turning back to his computer monitor. All that remained was to wait.

He heard the medibay door hiss open, the mechs still conversing with one another.

_Patience. Almost there._

He heard the footsteps enter the medibay, and then … and then …

Clicker heard a great crash, and the most girlish shriek he had ever experienced in his life.

He turned his head a little to look.

Knock Out was latched onto Dreadwing’s back, his bugged-out eyes peering over the Seeker’s huge shoulder. The terrified medic’s electric prod was thrust towards something on the floor. Something tiny.

Despite himself, Clicker let a little explosive noise out of his vocalizer.

_Stop laughing! Stop laughing!_

“ _Scraplet_!!” Knock Out screamed, clutching Dreadwing’s chest with one arm. “Scraplet! _There’s Scraplets on the floor_!!”

Dreadwing stumbled back from the momentum of the medic’s sudden invasion of his personal space.

“Knock Out—”

“Get it! Get it!” Knock Out demanded, waving his electric prod at the thing as he shrieked. “Squish it! Are there any more?Where are they?! Frag, are there any on me?! GET THEM OFF!!”

Dreadwing reached up and seized Knock Out by the scruff, lifting him away from his back with little effort and placing him ungraciously on the ground. At the sudden close proximity to the object of his terror, Knock Out shouted again, and bolted, cowering in the corner with his arms locked around his head. Clicker thanked Primus for the excellent view of the medibay as he hit the “record” button on his data pad.

Really, this was quite evil.

“I have never seen a short guy move so fast,” he snickered under his breath. One of the other Vehicons turned from his computer.

“Clicker?” he asked. “What’s going on?”

Clicker beckoned to him. “Jerry, c’mere and watch this.”

Sensing a spectacle, Jerry moved closer. “What did you do this time?”

“Planted fake Scraplets in the medibay,” Clicker said, holding the data pad up. "They're magnetic."

“That’s a _horrible_ idea,” Jerry remarked.

“I know. Isn’t it great?”

“I love it.”

Dreadwing was on exactly the same page.

Knock Out continued to scream as Dreadwing reached down and picked up one of the “scraplets.”

“What the frag are you doing, you idiot? Get away from me!”

The burly Seeker began to advance towards the medic with a crooked smile on his face.

“Is this what you’re afraid of?” Dreadwing asked, pushing the thing towards the medic.

“I will fragging _skewer_ you on this staff if you come any closer!” Knock Out threatened. “Dreadwing, I swear—!”

“Don’t be afraid of it,” Dreadwing teased. “It merely wants to say hello.”

Knock Out yelled, jabbing the staff at the Seeker. “Get it away from me!!”

“It likes your finish,” Dreadwing remarked. “Looks a bit hungry.”

“Dreadwing I swear to Primus—”

Dreadwing let out a shout. “Oh, no! It got away!”

He flung the scraplet at Knock Out, and it hit the medic squarely in the forehead.

Knock Out proceeded to lose his mind.

Shrieking loud enough to rival Starscream at his finest, the medic clawed at his face, dropping his staff and reeling out of the medibay in haphazard panic.

“AAAUUGH! Frag, frag, FRAG! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!!” he screamed. “AUGH!”

Jerry stepped forward and looked out the door. “Is he … all right?”

“That would be unusual,” Clicker replied, giggling. “How long do you think until he figures out?”

“GET IT OFF!!”

Jerry put a hand to his chin. “I think a minute fifty.”

“Make it two minutes.”

“You have yourself a bet.”

“Two cubes to the winner?”

“Most definitely.”

They listened to the sounds of Knock Out’s rampage through the warship’s halls, counting the seconds, until suddenly, the crashing stopped.

Clicker and Jerry were laughing openly now. It had been two minutes exactly.

Knock Out marched around the corner, holding the fake Scraplet in his clenched fist. The Vehicons immediately went back to what they were doing, or at least pretended to.

The medic stormed back into the medibay, where Dreadwing was doing his level best to hide his obvious amusement.

“This is a prank,” Knock Out Out seethed. “This is a prank, and I’ll lay you odds the Disney-lover is responsible!”

Clicker nearly fell over in hysterics. Jerry was leaning over the monitor, trying desperately to smother his snickers in the control panel.

Dreadwing suppressed a smile. “Shall I tell Lord Megatron that we have a mutinous Vehicon on board?”

“No, no,” Knock Out said, dropping the twisted pieces of metal into the incinerator. “I’ll take care of it. And you didn’t have to _throw_ it at me,” he added, with a snarl.

“Is this a common occurrence?” Dreadwing asked.

“We’re in the middle of a prank war,” Knock Out growled. “It’s been going on for a week. The other day, we wrapped Steve from head-to-toe in plastic sheets we took from a human hardware store. After that, someone came in the night and deflated Ricky and Bobby’s tires. Then there was the whole melted cheese fiasco…” he shuddered.

“Who do you think did this?” Dreadwing asked.

The medic pondered.

“It can’t have been Steve; he’s not stationed up here until tomorrow. We haven’t seen Soundwave all day; it could have been him, but I doubt it. He’s into more sophisticated schemes.” He raised a finger. “Now, it might have been Frank, but he’s into explosions and severe bodily harm. In my opinion, this is just the sort of thing that Clicker … would … do.” Knock Out’s eyes widened in realization.

“Clicker,” he seethed, and swung around.

The look on the medic’s face was priceless. Clicker burst out laughing. He laughed so hard he had to cling to the monitor board to keep from falling.

He laughed, that is, until he heard the sharp ring of buzzsaws.

“Oh — oh, scrap,” Clicker gasped, still giggling. “Wait — wait!”

“I’ll fragging KILL you!” Knock Out screamed, charging after the Vehicon, who scrambled out of the communications room and sped down the hall, shrieking with laughter at the top of his lungs. The medic dove after him in hot pursuit, his buzzsaws ringing out into the hallway.

“Get back here you fragging son of a glitch! When I catch up with you there won’t be enough of your remains to build a toaster!”

“Jerry, you owe me two cubes!” Clicker shouted, rounding the corner with a whoop of joy.

**_PRESENT TIME_ **

**Clicker** : So that’s what happened.

**Steve** : That was a dang nice flashback

**Frank** : Steve what the slag are you talking about

  
 **Steve** : Oh nuthin

**Pete** : Language Frank

**Clicker** : I am on cloud nine, guys! This has got to be one of the best pranks I’ve ever pulled

  
 **Joe** : Part of me thinks you’re an idiot, and the other part of me is drafting your eulogy

**Steve** : You’re gonna need a eulogy when KO catches up with u

**Clicker** : Well, if I die, I die laughing!

**Pete** : Has anyone seen Axel

**Clicker** : No

**Joe** : No

**Frank** : I’m not responsible for him

**Steve** : I think he was in the rec room

**Joe** : Prolly doing something stupid

**Clicker** : Okay better question: Has anyone seen Soundwave at all today

**Frank** : How is that a better question

**Clicker** : Cuz if you haven’t seen him yet then he’s prolly right behind u

**Frank** : No he’s noBIOTO$rWSA

**Frank** : WHAT THE FRAG

**Clicker** : Soundwave strikes again

**Joe** : What?

  
 **Clicker** : He’s been pranking everyone on the ship

**Clicker** : No one can hear him coming so he sneaks up behind you and you turn around and he’s kind of just there

**Clicker** : And then he gives you one of these

**Clicker** ::)

**Clicker** : And then he leaves.

**Steve** : That is the freakiest fragging thing I ever heard of

**Frank** : Yeah? Wait till he gets to you

**Clicker** : Yeah he already did it to me

  
 **Clicker** : I thought I was gonna die

**Knock** **Out** : You’re gonna die NOW

**Clicker** : OPEWIOGH

**Knock** **Out** : You’re about to see why I carry buzzsaws in my arms you little slagger

**Clicker** : I’m not little, you are :]

**Knock** **Out** : Get back hererrgggrh

**Clicker** : YEET

**Clicker** : YOU CANT CATCH ME IM THE GINGERBREADMAN

**Knock** **Out** : Did you really just tackle me?

**Joe** : I can hear them yelling from down here.

**Pete** : What does Yeet mean??

**Steve** : OOH

**Steve** : Guys! U know what time it is??

**Frank** : No

**Steve** : Its time for

**Steve** : FAMILY FIGHT NIGHT

**Steve** : starring Clicker and whatever the slag your name is

**Knock** **Out** : it’s Knock Out!

**Clicker** : Its pronounced Shorty

**Joe** : He’s mcNugget size

**Steve** : Aww, little red McNugget

**Clicker** : Maybe he shrunk in the wash

**Knock** **Out** : ARRGH

**Steve** : Wow imagine being short

**Joe** : His neck probably hurts from looking up to people all day

**Clicker** : Keep it up, guys, I’m getting away!

**Steve** : Hey Knock Out, you think if you wore heels like Starscream you’d be normal height?

**Knock** **Out** : Shut up

**Frank** : I love how Megatron sometimes uses our medic as an arm rest

**Knock** **Out** : Frag you all

**Joe** : Now I know why KO never sits down — his feet won’t reach the floor

**Knock** **Out** : See if I don’t kill each and every one of you next time you all come in the medibay

**Pete** : Lord Megatron won’t allow killing among the troops

**Joe** : Besides, if you killed every idiot on board you’d only have me left

**Knock** **Out** : Fine. I can make at least one death look like an accident.

**Knock** **Out** : Clicker, get your affairs in order

**Pete** : Megatron won’t allow you to kill Clicker, either. He runs the Groundbridges when SW is gone

**Clicker** : HA eat it, Knock Out

**Steve** : Pete the Mom strikes again

**Joe** : This ship is like a big happy dysfunctional family

**Pete** : And as the mom of this dysfunctional family, I think we had better put a stop to all of this before Lord Megatron finds out

**Frank** : Pfffbbbtttt

**Clicker** : Bold of u to assume he doesn’t already know

**Steve** : I mean yeah Soundwave prolly told him everything

**Clicker** : Speaking of Soundwave

**Knock** **Out** : OIUIHGUH$U(O#KLK

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is offline_

**Clicker** : He just saved my butt

**_Soundwave_ ** _is online_

**Soundwave** : Actually…

**Clicker** : Oh FRAGHJHJKL

**_Clicker_ ** _is offline_

_**Soundwave** is offline_

**Pete** : What is all that ruckus???

**Frank** : I’ll give you one guess

**Joe** : Frank, can you see the action?? What’s going on

**Frank** : Well SW is dragging C and KO into the storage closet

**Steve** : He’s WHAT

**Joe** : Is this our punishment for pranking??

**Frank** : I doubt it, SW’s been pranking too

**Pete** : I think this is just to make KO and C settle their differences.

**Joe** : You mean punish them for getting too far out of line

**Steve** : I told you, family fight night

**Joe** : No, Steve, family fight night is Monopoly

**Steve** : Oh yeah

**Pete** : Joe, I thought I told you never to mention that particular game ever again

**Frank** : Ok, Soundwave just deactivated KO’s buzzsaws and Clicker’s blasters and shoved them into the closet

**Joe** : He deactivated their WHAT?

**Steve** : We can do that???

**Frank** : Not everybody, just Soundwave

**Frank** : He did some weird little judo thing and they were crying and now they can’t kill each other

**Joe** : I still wouldn’t put it past Knock Out honestly

**Frank** : Guys, I just had a great idea.

**Pete** : No.

**Frank** : But you don’t even know what it is yet

**Pete** : If it amuses you, I know it’s bad

**Steve** : If it amuses him, there’s probably a body count involved

**Frank** : No, this one is family friendly

**Frank** : Sorta

**Pete** : What do you mean sorta

**Frank** : U know how SW likes to recharge with Laserbeak?

**Pete** : So?

**Frank** : We should steal Laserbeak

**Steve** : That is a GENIUS idea!

**Pete** : No.

**Steve** : Dang it.

**Frank** : Why not?

**Pete** : Just no.

**Frank** : Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?

**Pete** : You could fragging DIE!

**Steve** : I don’t think the author would let you

**Steve** : Also language, Mom.

  
 **Pete** : What? Steve, stay out of this

**Joe** : I think you two should go for it. I really want to watch the slag get beaten out of you

**Frank** : See? We should do it!

**Pete** : No

**Frank** : I’m doing it. Tonight.

**Pete** : No Frank

**_Frank_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : oof

**Joe** : Door slam

**Pete** : Immaturity at its finest

**Steve** : Speaking of immaturity

**Steve** : I wonder how Clicker and KO are doing

**Joe** : One of em’s prolly dead by now

**Steve** : I’m gonna go watch

**Pete** : Hey, wait

**Steve** : Huh

**Pete** : Do you hear that?

**Steve** : No

**Pete** : Its coming from the rec room

**Joe** : I’ll go check it out

**Steve** : That weird rumbling noise?

**Joe** : It sounds like a fight

**Joe** : Oh Primus

**Pete** : What

**Joe** : It’s a fight

**Pete** : Who’s fighting?

**Joe** : Everyone

**Pete** : what do you mean?

**Joe** : I mean that everyone is in the rec room, and they are all engaged in combat

**Joe** : And guess who’s in the middle of the fight

**Pete** : Who

**Joe** : Our glorious Lord Megatron himself

**Steve** : Hang on I’m coming

**Joe** : What are you even going to do??

**Steve** : Watch the show, of course!

**Pete** : I’ll get Soundwave

**_Pete_ ** _is offline_

**_Glitch_ ** _is online_

**Glitch** : Okay, who started this? I leave the rec room for five seconds and I come back and its the Great War all over again

**Steve** : um

**Joe** : Steve?

**Steve** : Is that Axel in the corner of the rec room?

**Joe** : Yeah, looks like it.

**Glitch** : Do you know something about this, Steve?

**Steve** : Maybe.

**Glitch** : Out with it

**Steve** : So you guys remember the uh, the Energon prank?

**Glitch** : The one where you spiked Sidelock’s Energon and he proceeded to trash the landing bay

**Steve** : Yeah

**Joe** : What about it?

**Steve** : Well, apparently, Axel saw us spiking Sidelock’s Energon and he might have maybe decided to do the same to the dispensers in the rec room.

**Joe** : So now everyone’s drunk.

**Steve** : Yes.

**Joe** : I’m going to kill that idiot

**Glitch** : You’ll have to get in line. This is the second time Sidelock’s been drunk this week and I am not happy about it

**Steve** : Frank, you better get up here because you’re missing the best bar fight the world has ever seen

**_Frank_ ** _is online_

**Frank** : Did someone say bar fight??

**Steve** : Yes

**Frank** : I’m so in

**Joe** : Well, I think I should warn you that if you participate, there’s a good chance Megatron could kill you

**Steve** : he’s in the middle of the fight

**Frank** : Bet! Boss level

**Joe** : Okay then

**Glitch** : Are you insane

**Frank** : Maybe? I have to ask Pete

**Glitch** : No, I think I know for sure now

**Frank** : Hang on, first I have to get really drunk

**Steve** : Here you go

**Joe** : STEVE

**Steve** : What

**Joe** : YOU JUST GAVE FRANK ENGEX

**Steve** : So?

**Joe** : HE IS THE MOST UNSTABLE VEHICON ON BOARD AND YOU WANT TO GET HIM WASTED?!?!

**_Frank_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : …Wow, he chugged that down really fast

**Joe** : I’m killing Axel and then I’m killing you

**_Pete_ ** _is online_

**Pete** : I’ve got Soundwave, he’ll take care of it

**Steve** : Did you find Soundwave, or did Soundwave find you??

**Pete** : I’d rather not discuss it

**Glitch** : Pete, your partner is crazy

**Pete** : That doesn’t even begin to cover it. What did he do now?

**Glitch** : Well, right now it looks like he’s about to fight Megatron

**Pete** : WHAT

**Glitch** : Either that or they’re about to have a serious rap battle

**Pete** : Oh PRIMUS why

**Steve** : Okay, Soundwave’s here!

**Joe** : Everyone out of his way

**_Soundwave_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : Soundwave, sir, we need help

**Soundwave** : …

**Soundwave** : Oh, no.

**_Soundwave_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : GUYS

  
 **Joe** : …Soundwave said oh no

**Steve** : SOUNDWAVE said oh no

**Pete** : That means OH NO

**Glitch** : Like REALLY OH NO

**Steve** : If Soundwave panics, we all should panic!

**Joe** : SW is not panicking, look at him

**Joe** : He’s just dodging people left and right

**Glitch** : He has a really nice way of knocking people out cold, doesn’t he?

**Pete** : Is Frank okay???

**Joe** : Come here and see for yourself

**Steve** : Frank's trying to fight Megatron, but Megatron’s easily holding off like twenty other guys, I don’t think he even knows frank is there

**Pete** : Megatron better not kill my partner before I get the chance to kill him myself

**Steve** : What happens when Soundwave tries to fight Megatron??

**Glitch** : I dunno. According to Sidelock, the last time Megatron got seriously drunk he took out Omega Supreme

**Joe** : I doubt the historical accuracy of that story but okay

**Steve** : Breaking News — SW has reached Megatron

**Steve** : He’s deployed Laserbeak to take care of everyone else

**Steve** : Frank is on the floor laughing

**Steve** : Or maybe he’s crying, I really don’t know

**Glitch** : I’m going to go get Sidelock

**Pete** : Glitch, you could get killed

**Glitch** : Better than watching my friend get killed in a stupid bar fight

**_Glitch_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : Glitch is moving in

**Steve** : Megs is angry as frag, but Soundwave is not backing down

**Pete** : Language

**Joe** : Mom, you’re worried about language at a time like this? Let the boy swear

**Pete** : Why are you narrating this anyway, Steve?

**Steve** : The readers need to know what’s going on! They matter, too, you know.

**Pete** : … Joe, your partner is talking to imaginary people again

**Steve** : They aren’t imaginary, you fools!!

**Steve** : Anyhow, Soundwave has crossed the floor and gotten behind Megatron

**Steve** : Megatron’s still swinging

**Steve** : But Soundwave is excellent at dodging

**Steve** : I mean did you SEE that juke move??

**Joe** : You know, SW and M are evenly matched

**Joe** : They met in the gladiator rings and neither one could win

**Steve** : Thank you for that bit of useless history Joe

**Steve** : Update — SW has restrained Megatron’s arms with his arm-feeler-tentacle thingies

**Steve** : Our Communications Officer is WAY stronger than he looks

**Steve** : Megatron’s just getting more angry

**Steve** : Soundwave’s standing as tall as he can

**Steve** : He’s all up in Megatron’s face…

**Pete** : Oh my…

**Joe** : Wow.

**Steve** : What —

**Steve** : Da frag —

**Steve** : Just happened?

**Pete** : Megatron just kinda … slumped?

**Steve** : Kinda like the fight went out of him

**Steve** : SW is literally leading Megatron by the hand out of the rec room

**Pete** : Out of the way, guys

**Joe** : Watch out for the bird

**Steve** : How the slag did he do that

**Joe** : Laserbeak can fly because he has wings, Steve

**Steve** : No, how did SW do that to Megatron?!

**Pete** : Looks like our CO has a lot of hidden talents we don’t know about.

**Steve** : I’ll say. I’ve never seen anybody do that to Megs before

**_Glitch_ ** _is online_

**_Sidelock_ ** _is online_

**Glitch** : We’re fine, thanks for asking

**Joe** : Is Sidelock okay?

**Sidelock** : I fffeeeeellll like a JOY TRAINNNnn

**Glitch** : He’s mouthing off against the whole world and he can’t walk straight, but he’s fine

**Sidelock** : FRAGG, there goes anuther beaver

**Sidelock** : Whyare thur so mmmany beeaversz??

**Sidelock** : JOY TRAIIIIINNNN!!

**Joe** : You better put him in recharge

**Pete** : I have to go get Frank before he gets up and kills someone

**_Pete_ ** _is offline_

**Joe** : Steve, you better get Axel and help me clean up the rec room

**Steve** : There’s like fifty mechs all over the floor

**Steve** : How are we gonna clean all this up?

**Joe** : Dunno, but somebody better get Knock Out out of that closet so he can start repairs

**Sidelock** : Teh beavers can hellp

**Glitch** : I have to go, guys. Sidelock’s heavy

**_Glitch_ ** _is offline_

**_Sidelock_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : Joe?

**Joe** : What

**Steve** : Do you think SW talked to Megatron??

**Steve** : Like actually talked

**Steve** : With his voice

**Joe** : That’s crazy. Everyone knows Soundwave doesn’t talk anymore

**Steve** : right, right.

**Steve** : But still

**Steve** : I think he did

**_Frank_ ** _is online_

**_Pete_ ** _is online_

**Frank** : I wonnn!

**Pete** : Frank you don’t need to be texting right now

**Frank** : No! I won, the pigs are all mine! Give me the pigs, they’re mine! I fragging won

**Pete** : Stop hgrghrgniobypo

**Steve** : Wow. imagine getting punched by your own partner

**Joe** : I can give you a demonstration if you’d like

**Steve** : Why??

**Joe** : You’re indirectly responsible for this whole mess

**Joe** : I mean just look at poor Axel he’s all covered in Engex and everything

**Steve** : He had fun

**Pete** : But Axel can’t handle the effects of fighting as well as the rest of us. He’s still got that glitch in his brain from the assembly lines, remember?

**Steve** : So he’s scared of fighting and the glitch makes him a little stupid. So what?

**Pete** : Axel’s not stupid, he’s just sensitive and he doesn’t have the best mental speed. The point is, you need to set a better example for him

**Steve** : Yes, mom

**Pete** : You two put Axel to bed and start cleaning up. I’ll go get Frank to his room and then I’ll help with the others

**Steve** : Fine

**Joe** : Okay

**_Joe_ ** _is offline_

**_Steve_ ** _is offline_

**_Pete_ ** _is offline_

**Frank** : I wanna

**Frank** : Go to JERSEY

**Frank** : The humans have a place called JRESY

**Frank** : I bet JerESY has good Engex

**Frank** : I want more ENgexx!

**Frank** : I enjoy

**Frank** : BIG TASTE

**Frank** : Pete stop pullin me hrrgghrh

**Frank** : I don’t wanna go in bed I wanna fight JERSEY

**Frank** : Give me the PIGS FRAGGING SLAG IT

**_Frank_ ** _is offline_

◅ ◬▚►⎊◄▞ ◬▻

Soundwave entered Megatron’s room and led his leader by the hand, pulling him slowly along behind him. Megatron’s footsteps thudded unevenly as he staggered toward his bed. He swayed back and forth like a sapling in a windstorm, more unsteady on his feet than he had been in a long while.

Soundwave alone knew that the fearsome warlord was a total lightweight when it came to Engex, and he would die before divulging that particular secret. Now, after only one cube, Megatron was so wasted he could barely walk a straight line, and stumbled about as though deprived of all his senses.

Getting Megatron drunk! Such a prank was surely treason on the Vehicons’ part, but, after some consideration, Soundwave decided to let it slide. This kind of treason, unlike Starscream’s, was rather amusing. And this entire fiasco reminded him of things — certain old, precious things — he would rather not forget. 

With a gentle insistence, Soundwave guided Megatron to the slab and made him lower his weight onto the berth. His leader wobbled unevenly.

“S-ssoundwave?” he slurred a little, teetering on the edge of his slab as he looked up at his Communications Officer. “Where are your Minicons? Did … didn’t they fight me, too?”

Soundwave stiffened. The Engex had Megatron believing they were still in the gladiator pits on Cybertron, all those millennia ago. The mention of his Minicons brought back some more memories, painful ones, which Soundwave had to quickly stifle. None of that would help the current situation at all.

“Where’s the overseer?” Megatron grumbled, trying to sit up straight. “I wanna get my pay! I’mmm … not the best gladiator in the Pits for nothin’!”

Soundwave put a thin hand on his leader’s shoulder, telling him to stop, and Megatron looked up at him through bleary eyes.

“There was a good crowd tonight, wasn’t there, Soundwave?” he asked, a small smile spreading over his scarred features. Soundwave hadn’t seen him smile like that in a long while.

He nodded. There had definitely been a good crowd.

Satisfied, Megatron fell back onto the berth with a _thud_.

“You still owe me a rematch,” he mumbled with his optics shut. Soundwave glanced at his leader in surprise. He hadn’t thought about their last fight in a while. It had not been a fight to the death — they had been gladiators far too lucrative for that. No — it had been a fight to the first wound, and Soundwave had won. Barely.

From that moment onward, the two of them had forged an alliance that remained unbroken for thousands of years, and it had certainly served them well.

The CO was dragged forcibly from his memory cycles when, in a sudden moment of clarity, his leader laughed aloud. Megatron didn’t laugh much anymore; at least, not in a genuine way.

“Those were the good ol’ days, eh, Soundwave?” he grinned, looking up at his CO. “Good ol’ Cybertron — where we didn’t hafta worry about those … silly Autobots, and where we worked … shide-by-shide with slaves and miners and fighters and warriorsss! Fighting and dying, flickering and flaring! Good ol’ Cybertron — land of the metal moons!”

His last drunken praise of his home planet was a shout, and Soundwave found his amusement rising steadily as he watched his leader pump a fist in the air.

“All hail the gladiators-s-ss,” he mumbled, lying back down at Soundwave’s gentle prompting. “All hail the Decepticons…”

 _All hail the Decepticons, indeed_ , Soundwave thought fondly.

“The vile pests will try’n get us, won’t they?” Megatron grumbled, his mood swinging. “You know those … little opportunists always try and … get us at night.”

Soundwave remembered. In the arenas, there was no guarantee of a gladiator’s safety — ever. If a gladiator had no allies, or if he was weak, then it was likely that he would be assaulted, or worse, by the more malicious members of the Pits, who worked under cover of darkness, when there were no overseers to keep order.

No bed was ever safe; a lesson that Soundwave’s cassettes had found hard to learn. They had witnessed mechs being killed or ravaged in their sleep, and even the very strong rested fitfully. The world of the Pits was a word of backstabbers, opportunists, and manipulators, and you had to choose your friends very carefully, or not at all. It was very dangerous for you in the Pits if you were weak, or alone.

But Soundwave was neither, and he knew for a fact that the same was true for Megatron.

“Stay’n watch for me, won’t you, Soundwave?” Megatron slurred, rolling over. “You’ve always been my most … loyal soldier. You … you know what to do…”

Soundwave did know what to do. Obedience was one of the greatest gestures of affection he ever showed to anyone, and the way he most often proved his loyalty to Megatron.

So, he took a seat next to his leader’s berth, just as he had back in the old days, and steadily watched the door, listening as Megatron fell into a doze and began to breathe rhythmically.

Soundwave thought for a long time about his Minicons; what had happened to them, and whether he would ever see them again.

He didn’t know the answer to those questions. But Soundwave had had enough time to himself, and had done enough quiet thinking on his own, to understand that his loyalty to Megatron always took precedence. Someday, he might find out what happened to Rumble and Frenzy and Ravage, and he would discover the answers to his questions, but for now, he would content himself with ensuring that Megatron and Laserbeak did not meet the same fate.

_Not while I am watching._

◅ ◬▚►⎊◄▞ ◬▻

**_Joe_ ** _is online_

**_Steve_ ** _is online_

**_Pete_ ** _is online_

**Joe** : Steve.

**Steve** : What?

**Joe** : I fragging saw that.

**Steve** : No you didn’t

**Joe** : Put the Engex down

**Pete** : Steve, put it down

**Steve** : Ugh fine

**Steve** : LoOkS like I’ve got TwO MoMS now.

**Pete** : We are the only three Vehicons who aren’t drunk, and I’d prefer to keep it that way

**Joe** : Ricky and Bobby are difficult enough sober

**Steve** : Fine, see if I care

**Pete** : Did we get everyone where they needed to go?

**Joe** : Yeah, we put all the uninjured ones to bed, and then we brought all the wounded ones to the medibay …

**Steve** : Oh scrap

**Joe** : Scrap

**Steve** : Knock Out!

**Pete** : Neither of you actually got the medic?!

**Steve** : uh no

**Joe** : I’m on it, I’m closest to the storage room

**Joe** : Primus I hope he’s still alive

**Steve** : How could we have forgotten to get the medic out of Prank Prison?

**Joe** : Is that seriously what you’re calling it

**Steve** : Would you rather call it the Joke Jail?

**Joe** : I’d rather see a spear lodged in your chest, but okay

**Pete** : What’s the status of the medic

**Joe** : I think KO’s alive

**Joe** : He’s alive

**Joe** : But maybe not for long

**Joe** : he says he’s contemplating suicide

**Pete** : After being stuck in a room with you-know-who for THIRTY MINUTES

**Pete** : I wonder why

**Steve** : But Moooom, Clicker is your son, too

**Pete** : I have already chosen favorites, and Clicker isn’t one.

**Joe** : Ouch

**Steve** : Is clicker even alive?

**Joe** : He’s laughing in a corner.

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is online_

**Knock** **Out** : I will murder each and every one of you because I can’t slagging tell you apart

**Steve** : How did it go in there, KO?

**Knock Out** : Dont talk to me until I take my revenge on the one responsible for this atrocity

**Joe** : What atrocity?

**Knock Out** : Do you see this scratch he put on my shoulder??

**Joe** : Scratch?

**Steve** : What were you two doin in there exactly??

**Knock Out** : Trying to kill each other of course!

**Knock Out** : I swear, if that little monster mocks my height one more FRAGGING TIME

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**Clicker** : Hey K!

**Knock Out** : YOU BETTER RUN FRaGGinG FAST IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

**Clicker** : Jeez, chill out

**Knock Out** : How’s this for chill? Clicker, I hope you die a slow, painful death filled with cosmic rust and cybercrosis!

**Clicker** : I’m starting to think your temper is shorter than you are, Doc>:D

**_Knock Out_ ** _is offline_

**Pete** : Clicker, you are stupid

**Joe** : He’s about to be dead

**Steve** : I would assume so, from all the Knock-Out-flavoured yelling

**Clicker** : AAAAAAAAAAA

**Pete** : This is worse than the prank war

**Steve** : I’m sorry, are you implying that the prank war is over??

**Pete** : Oh, it’s over

**Steve** : Says who?

**Pete** : Says me

**Joe** : Ooh you better lie down Steve, Mom just arrived

**Steve** : You might think the prank war is over, but the readers might ask for an encore. You have NO authority over the readers, MOM

**Pete** : Steve

**Steve** : Nyahh

**Pete** : Real mature

**Steve** : Not mature, this story is rated Teen for a reason.

**Pete** : What are you talking about??

**Steve** : The platform on which the writer writes has very strict rules regarding story rating. We’re in the Teen category! That might change if someone dies, though… I don’t know; fan fiction is weird, isn’t it?

**Pete** : Joe?

**Joe** : Hey, don’t look at me. I’m his best friend and I have no idea what he’s talking about

**_Knock Out_ ** _is online_

**Knock Out** : DIE

**Clicker** : SOMEBODY SAVE ME

**Clicker** : KNOCK OUT’S GOT A GUN

**Clicker** : But he’s a really bad shot

**Clicker** : BUT HE’S A REALLY GREAT RUNNER

**Clicker** : SOMEONE SAVE ME

**Pete** : Knock Out, we need your help, sir

**Knock** **Out** : Did you say sir??

**Steve** : *brakes screeching*

**Clicker** : Whew I get to live another day

**Joe** : Where did KO get a gun anyhow?

**Steve** : We’ve locked them in a STORAGE closet so I wouldn’t be surprised

**Clicker** : Thanks for getting me out of Prank Prison you guys!

**Steve** : HA I TOLD YOU IT WAS A GOOD NAME

**Joe** : And I disagreed because I have the braincell in this duo

**Knock** **Out** : All right, what did you all do this time

**Pete** : Follow me to the medibay

**Steve** : You’re not gonna like what you see

**Knock Out** : What th e frag

**Knock Out** : First the scraplet and now this?!

**Knock Out** : How many times is this sort of thing gonna happen, huh?

**Joe** : I dunno but I’m worn out, so I’m going straight to recharge

**Knock** **Out** : None of you are going to help?

**Steve** : Nope, see y’all

**Pete** : I have to go take care of Frank

**_Joe_ ** _is offline_

**_Steve_ ** _is offline_

**_Pete_ ** _is offline_

**Knock** **Out** : What do you want

**Clicker** : Nothin

**Knock Out** : Sticking around to make more jokes about my height?

**Clicker** : Actually, I thought you could use a hand.

**Knock Out** : You saying I’m not good at my job now?

**Clicker** : No, I just wanna help

**Knock Out** : Because you feel bad

**Clicker** : Yeah kinda

**Knock Out** : You should

**Clicker** : Yeah, well, I’ve already read all your medical files and everything so its not like I can’t handle it

**Knock Out** : Fine

**Knock Out** : Start getting them all into stasis so I can fix the internals first

**Clicker** : Megatron really did a number on em

**Knock Out** : He’s Megatron, what do you expect

**Clicker** : I’m sorry, by the way

**Knock Out** : What?

**Clicker** : About the scraplet

**Knock Out** : Apologies are suspicious, especially from you

**Clicker** : I was trying to make you laugh

**Clicker** : In fact, that’s why I started the whole prank war thing, was to make people feel better

**Clicker** : I know Lord Megatron’s been having fun, and Soundwave’s been having a blast

**Clicker** : And I was trying to help you get over Breakdown’s dying and all

**Knock Out** : …

**Knock Out** : You were trying to help me get my mind off Breakdown??

**Clicker** : Yeah.

**Knock Out** : Well you have a really annoying, infuriating way of doing that

**Clicker** : Yeah

**Knock Out** : It’s made me want to kill you quite a few times

**Clicker** : Yeah

**Knock** **Out** : But …

**Knock Out** : I guess it worked

**Knock Out** : That’s kind of sweet of you

**Knock Out** : In a horrible way

**Knock Out** : And I’ll never forgive you for the scraplet, btw

**Knock Out** : But still … it was fun

**Knock Out** : Thanks.

**Clicker** : Aww

**Knock Out** : Now quit standing around and get to work

**Clicker** : YEs Sir!

**Knock Out** : …

**Knock Out** : Frag

**Knock Out** : You just had to go and call me sir didn’t you

**Knock Out** : Fine. You are now forgiven for the scraplet

_**Clicker** is offline_

_**Knock Out** is offline_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Guys, Steve's fourth-wall breaking is getting out of hand. Seriously --"
> 
> Steve: I want to talk!
> 
> "Steve, no." 
> 
> Steve: Come onnnn, please??
> 
> "Well, only for a little..."
> 
> Steve: Thanks, author! Hi, everyone! I'm Steve! You all look great!
> 
> "They know who you are, Steve, they just read the story." 
> 
> Steve: Right, right. 
> 
> Steve: *whispers* Do they like me?
> 
> "They like you a lot."
> 
> Steve: Yay!!!! I'm a favorite! I've never been a favorite before!
> 
> "Do you want to answer some of their questions?"
> 
> Steve: YES! Nobody ever asks for my opinion! 
> 
> Steve: What do you all want to know? 
> 
> Steve: I can answer questions about the warship, Starscream, the crew, movies, Disney...
> 
> Steve: I can talk a lot about Disney! I know more than the author does about Disney.
> 
> "That's probably true."
> 
> Steve: So go ahead, ask me anything.
> 
> Steve: C'mon, ask!
> 
> "Give them a minute to think, Steve."
> 
> Steve: Oh, right. 
> 
> Steve: Are they done?
> 
> Steve: How fast do humans think? 
> 
> Steve: Hello??


	5. Hallowelloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Vehicons celebrate a human holiday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there. Been a while. You all look great.  
> Um, yeah, this chapter is a two-parter. The second part comes tomorrow. Enjoy!
> 
> Also, I'm trying to get more questions for the Q&A with Steve. If you have a question for Steve, leave it in the comments, and I'll answer it in the next chapter. I've got some good questions so far!
> 
> Happy Halloween, Thanksgiving, and all that. Here's a late present.

_**Frank** is online ****_

_**Clicker** is online_

**Frank** : I really want to shoot something today

 **Clicker** : why

 **Frank** : Im bored

 **Clicker** : It’s only seven in the morning

 **Frank** : I’m bored any time of day

 **Clicker** : See how many Polos you get if you yell Marco all over the ship

 **Frank** : Bet

 **Clicker** : …Mkay you yell super loud

 **Frank** : No way! I don’t believe it XD

 **Clicker** : Was that Megs?

 **Frank** : Megatron yelled Polo

 **Clicker** : Aw yiss XD

 **Frank** : I like this game

 **Frank** : We should try it with guns

 **Frank** : See who can shoot me after I shoot them

 **Clicker** : I dont think mom would approve if you went around randomly shooting people

 **Frank** : Even better

 **Clicker** : How bout we do something that won’t get us thrown in the brig

 **Frank** : Like what

 **Clicker** : I dunno you figure it out genius

_**Joe** is online_

**Joe** : Why is Megatron yelling polo

 **Clicker** : Idk he’s prolly on magic drugs again

 **Frank** : Yeah nothing to do with us

 **Frank** : This is such a boring day

 **Joe** : Not for me

 **Clicker** : What r u doing?

 **Joe** : I’ve got wiring in the hall to fix, thanks to Ricky and Bobby

_**Ricky** is online_

_**Bobby** is online_

**Ricky** : Eyyyyy

 **Bobby** : Eyyy

 **Ricky** : Street racers, bro

 **Joe** : You’re not supposed to play bumper cars in the halls

 **Joe** : What if you hit someone

 **Bobby** : Stinks to be them I guess

 **Joe** : You idiots should be fixing this

 **Ricky** : awfully quiet today. Where’s KO at?

 **Clicker** : Street racing. He had to, quote, “fix every fragging idiot on the Nemesis” after all the battles last week so he’s taking a break

 **Clicker** : He says no one is allowed to get injured until after he gets back

 **Frank** : Imma break that rule first

_**Pete** is online_

**Pete** : No frank

 **Ricky** : Oops here's mum

_**Steve** is online_

_**Axel** is online_

**Steve** : GUYS

 **Joe** : What Steve

 **Steve** : GUYS

 **Steve** : DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE MISSED

 **Axel** : O no did we forget first rations again??

 **Ricky** : Did Soundwave do something epic

 **Pete** : Did we beat the autobots??

 **Frank** : Is the war over?!!!

 **Steve** : No

 **Frank** : Frag

 **Pete** : Language

 **Clicker** : What did we miss, Steve?

 **Steve** : The humans have this holiday every year in their month of Ucktoober

 **Bobby** : Weird name

 **Steve** : And on this holiday you get to dress up as spooky creatures and demand goods from strangers

 **Steve** : Whoever extorts the most sugar is the winner and everyone counts out their spoils

 **Steve** : There are also pranks involving something called toylit paper

 **Ricky** : Sounds awesome

 **Steve** : Yeah and we missed it by a mONTH

 **Clicker** : What’s this holiday called

 **Steve** : It is called the night of HALLOWELLOWEEN

 **Bobby** : HALLOWELLOWEEN

 **Joe** : Is that really what it’s called

 **Steve** : YES

 **Steve** : And the humans decorate their homes and watch horror movies and eat food and scare each other with stories and sing songs and all sorts of cool stuff

 **Clicker** : This sounds like its right up Franks alley

 **Pete** : Do NOT encourage him

 **Frank** : No ill rob you of treats whether I’m wearing a costume or not

 **Clicker** : So I looked it up on SW’s funky databases

 **Clicker** : It’s called Halloween, or All Hallow’s Eve, and among other things, it involves mutilating various fruits of the squash variety.

 **Frank** : I like that idea

 **Clicker** : And fire is usually involved

 **Frank** : Yesss

 **Steve** : What are we waiting for?

 **Axel** : ???

 **Pete** : What are you talking about

 **Steve** : We’re gonna celebrate HALLOWELLOWEEN

 **Joe** : Halloween

 **Steve** : Shut up nerd

 **Axel** : But, we missed the holiday…

 **Bobby** : Who cares?

 **Ricky** : We can celebrate human traditions whenever we slagging want

 **Clicker** : Yeah

 **Pete** : Don’t encourage them either

 **Clicker** : I think we should do it

_**Jimmy** is online_

**Jimmy** : Whats all this fire and stuff?

 **Bobby** : We’re gonna celebrate a human holiday!

 **Jimmy** : Ooh fun!

 **Pete** : No!! nothing’s been decided

 **Bobby** : Whatever mom, you’re outvoted

 **Pete** : My vote counts as thirty because I’m the only braincell here

 **Steve** : I don’t care bout no vote, I’m gonna go get supplies to decorate!

 **Pete** : But what if we’re called on a deployment?

 **Clicker** : The autobots got their butts whupped in the last mining strike, I don’t think they’ll try anything today

 **Pete** : What if Megatron notices people aren’t at their posts?

 **Ricky** : He won’t, he’s still having his Early Brooding Sesh

 **Clicker** : I can keep an eye out for yall

 **Steve** : Cool, we need a groundbridge to a few places

 **Clicker** : You got it bud > u 0

 **Steve** : Joe ur with me

 **Joe** : Why

 **Steve** : Bc you’re my partner and you want to do this

 **Joe** : No I don’t

 **Steve** : I’ll give you engex

 **Joe** : Yes I do

 **Pete** : We are going to get in so much trouble for this

 **Steve** : Great! You can help too

 **Pete** : Thats not what I meant Steve!

 **Steve** : Pete, you’re in charge of making the Energon goodies

 **Pete** : Nooooo

 **Steve** : Clicker, Axel, Ricky and Bobby, you’re in charge of decorating the bridge and the briefing room

 **Axel** : Ok

 **Steve** : Frank you get to lobotomize a pumpkin.

 **Frank** : Aw yiss

 **Steve** : And someone needs to set up the briefing room chairs for a movie night

 **Jimmy** : I can! My mining station got blown up, so I’m on board waiting for redeployment

 **Steve** : Sweet! You take that job Jimmy

 **Steve** : All that’s left are the costumes

 **Steve** : Me and Joe will handle that part

 **Clicker** : Don’t we get to pick which costumes we wear?

 **Steve** : Nope! Yall didn’t want to do this, so I’m gonna pick for you

 **Steve** : Axel, you’re gonna be Patrick from spongebob

 **Axel** : YEAH what does that mean

 **Clicker** : Rather fitting

 **Steve** : Okay Pete is eeyore

 **Pete** : what

 **Steve** : Joe is gonna be Oscar the grouch

 **Joe** : Oh no

 **Ricky** : Bob and I already have our idea and the paint for it too

 **Steve** : What is it

 **Bobby** : We’re gonna be nascar vehicles mate

 **Ricky** : Nascar is like Earth’s little Velocitron club

 **Steve** : Okay Ricky and bobby can do nascar

 **Steve** : Jimmy can be spider man

 **Jimmy** : Aw yeah

 **Steve** : Glitch and Sidelock are stormtroopers

 **Steve** : I wish Starscream was here, he could be Cobra Commander

 **Pete** : Steve, how much human tv have you watched

 **Steve** : Much

 **Frank** : What about me?

 **Steve** : Frank we have a bucket so you can be Megatron

 **Frank** : Eyyyyy lets gooooo

 **Bobby** : What are you going to be Steve

 **Steve** : Elsa of course

 **Clicker** : I want to be Skeletor

 **Steve** : No Clicker

 **Clicker** : I want to be SKELETOR

 **Steve** : I already have your thing

 **Clicker** : What is it

 **Steve** : Bugs bunny

 **Clicker** : I’m gonna be Skeletor

 **Joe** : You idiots are fun to watch

 **Steve** : Whatever! we have to go prepare

 **Steve** : Come on Joe

 **Joe** : Somebody shoot me

 **Ricky** : Sorry. Your partner, your problem.

 **Joe** : Ugh

 **Steve** : Engex

 **Joe** : Yes

 **Steve** : All right, you all know your jobs, get to work!

 **Pete** : How do I make Energon goodies

 **Steve** : Figure it out! Bye

_**Steve** is offline_

_**Joe** is offline_

**Pete** : We’re hosed

 **Axel** : Where are Glitch and Sidelock? Don’t they have to do chores?

 **Clicker** : Far as I know, Sidelock’s working in the engine room this morning and Glitch has his sanitation duties to take care of

 **Jimmy** : I’m glad I don’t have Glitch’s job not gonna lie

 **Ricky** : Me too

 **Clicker** : R&B, Axel, come up here and help me make decorations

 **Bobby** : “R&B,” I like that

 **Ricky** : Where are we gonna get materials, mate?

 **Clicker** : I’d wager Knock Out’s probably got stuff in the medibay we can use

 **Axel** : I’m not sure he’d like that

 **Ricky** : Even better mate

 **Bobby** : Can we steal his buffer?!

  
**Clicker** : No

 **Bobby** : Why not???

 **Ricky** : I thought you liked a good prank

 **Clicker** : Well, I’m also a huge fan of staying alive

 **Ricky** : Fine, imma go find a dollar store, I bet they’ve got leftover stuff

 **Bobby** : Brilliant! I’m in!

 **Clicker** : Axel, while they’re doing that, you’re with me. Let’s go

 **Axel** : Okay

_**Clicker** is offline_

_**Axel** is offline_

_**Ricky** is offline_

_**Bobby** is offline_

**Pete** : I literally don’t even know how to make Energon goodies

 **Frank** : Stinks to be you I guess

 **Frank** : Imma go raid a pumpkin farm

 **Pete** : Frank no

_**Frank** is offline_

**Pete** : Fan tastic

 **Jimmy** : I know how to make Energon goodies, mom!

 **Pete** : You do?

 **Jimmy** : Yeah! I’ll help you out

 **Pete** : Aren’t you supposed to get the briefing room ready for movies or something

 **Jimmy** : You can help me with that after we make the best goodies in the galaxy!!

 **Pete** : Okay. Thanks. Maybe this won’t be so bad :)

 **Jimmy** : It’s gonna be great!! The best HalloWelloWeen Ever

_**Jimmy** is offline_

_**Pete** is offline_

* * *

_**Glitch** has opened a private chat room_

**Glitch** : Sidelock?

_**Sidelock** is online_

**Sidelock** : Yeah? What’s up

 **Glitch** : It happened again.

 **Sidelock** : What happened?

 **Sidelock** : OH

 **Sidelock** : Ok! Hang on, I’m coming

 **Sidelock** : Did anyone see you?

 **Glitch** : I don’t think so

 **Sidelock** : How bad is it?

 **Glitch** : Pretty bad

 **Glitch** : My voice is shorting out

 **Glitch** : I can’t feel my legs

 **Sidelock** : Where are you

 **Glitch** : Lower control room, starboard side

 **Sidelock** : Ok, just stay put I’ll be right there. Don’t worry, dont panic. Everything will be fine.

 **Sidelock** : All right?

 **Sidelock** : Glitch??

 **Sidelock** : Glitch!

_**Sidelock** is offline_

* * *

“Hey, Threes!” Sidelock shouted to the overseer in the refinery. “Threes!”

Threes, a flight Vehicon with an annoyingly dent-free chassis, walked over, holding a data pad. “What’s up, Sidelock?”

“I got to go take care of something. My partner’s having some trouble figuring out the new hardware they installed in the monitor rooms; I gotta go help him out.”

“Oh, yeah.” Threes nodded towards the door. “Better go figure that out before he ends up on Soundwave’s radar or something.”

“Yeah,” Sidelock chuckled. “He’s kind of a dork. He’s usually on engineering shift, he’s pretty new to monitors and all that.”

“I get it,” Threes wrote something on his pad. “I’ll ask Phil to tag in for you until you get back. Take as long as you need.”

“Thanks.”

Sidelock walked to the door as casually as possible, but once it had slid shut behind him, he turned and sprinted down the hallway as fast as he could go, his feet pounding on the metal floor. Doors and corridors and surprised Vehicon faces raced by him.

He growled in exasperation as he ran. At this rate, it would take him too long to get there. The Nemesis was fragging _huge_.

Still running, Sidelock tumbled forward and transformed, speeding down the corridor in vehicle form.

“Hey! No transforming in the halls!” someone shouted as he raced by. Sidelock paid no attention.

“Please be okay,” he murmured to herself as he hurtled toward the starboard lift, his engine roaring. “Please, _please_ be okay.”

◅ ◬▚►⎊◄▞ ◬▻

Sidelock burst through the doors to the monitor room and saw Glitch, lying on the floor with his arms and legs at odd angles, his head turned toward the wall. Cleaning tools were scattered everywhere, surrounding the Vehicon where he had fallen. 

_Oh, frag, are you dead?_

“Sidelock?” the body asked. “Please tell me that’s Sidelock.”

_Thank Primus._

“Yeah, it’s me,” Sidelock huffed, kneeling beside him. “Are you okay?”

“I can’t move,” Glitch said softly, almost crying … as if Vehicons could cry. “Sidelock, I really messed up this time…”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Sidelock murmured, trying to calm him. “Can you transform or anything?”

“Uh-uh.”

“Okay. Okay, hang on.” Sidelock lifted his friend’s arm and put it around his shoulders, pulling him to his feet. “How’d it happen?”

“I bumped the power conduit for the main console,” Glitch replied, stammering a little. His voice was breaking, filled with static. “It w-wasn’t on purpose…”

“I know, I know,” Sidelock said, glancing him over. “It’s all right. I know you didn’t mean it. Are you hurt anywhere?”

“Dunno,” Glitch ground out, with some difficulty. “Can’t really feel anything on my right side.”

“Okay. All right. C’mon.” Sidelock put his arm around Glitch’s body and began to half-drag, half-carry him toward the door, lugging his weight along next to him.

“Where are we going?” Glitch asked, his voice a little panicky.

“Back to your suite. We’re gonna stay there until you feel better.”

“Okay.” Glitch’s head flopped around limply as he was pulled towards the door. “What if someone sees us?”

“I’ll tell ‘em that you’re drunk, and you have to act like it.”

“I’ve never been drunk.”

“You’d better act like you have. Unless you want to go to the medibay and let _them_ check you out,” Sidelock joked.

“Not funny,” Glitch hissed, thunking his head into Sidelock’s shoulder.

His voice was really fuzzing now.

The door was right in front of them. Sidelock’s grip tightened around his friend.

“You ready?” he asked.

“Kinda.” Glitch shuddered a little as the door slid open in front of them. “Don’t drop me.”

“I won’t,” Sidelock said.

They shuffled out into the hall, Sidelock looking left and right as he leaned forward. Glitch bit back a yelp as he slid off balance.

“Watch it!”

“I have to make sure the coast is clear!”

“The coast is clear; I’m not!”

“Quit whining, I’ve got you.”

They began to hobble down the hallway, Sidelock looking forward and backward for any sign of threat. Glitch’s arm banged uncomfortably against the wall as Sidelock staggered forward.

“Ouch! Sidelock!”

“Sorry!”

“Watch where you’re taking me!”

"Quiet, Glitch, you’re gonna alert somebody,” Sidelock hissed. “You’re lucky we haven’t seen anyone by now, the way I tore through here earlier.”

Looking over his shoulder (and not where he was going), Sidelock turned around the corner, Glitch in tow.

“I think we’re good,” he said, craning his neck to look behind him.

“Sidelock, look out!!”

And just as they took the corner, something moved right in front of them. Instantly, there was a shriek from Glitch, Sidelock felt himself crash into something hard, and a burst of crackling energy flashed into the air as a huge _BOOM_ resounded into the hall.

And just like that, there was Soundwave, lying flat out on the floor in front of the unhappy pair. 

“Frag!” Sidelock swore, slinging Glitch upright again as he staggered back. “What is he doing here?!”

“I’m sorry!” Glitch gasped, his head rolling forward. “I just panicked, he was right there — I didn’t mean to touch him, I — I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

Sidelock froze.

“What do you mean, you touched him?” he asked, staring at the downed Communications Officer. Soundwave’s visor was filled with static, and his limbs were twitching slightly. The Vehicon had a sinking suspicion he knew what had happened, but he asked anyway.

“You just zapped Soundwave, huh?”

Glitch said nothing, he just nodded.

Sidelock sighed. “Well, why not. Why the frag wouldn’t Soundwave just go out for a stroll at the wrong time?”

Glitch was very quiet. Sidelock could tell his friend was terrified. He tried to keep his voice calm.

“Glitch, it’s okay,” he said. “It’s not your fault. Soundwave’s _way_ more susceptible to energy than most mechs. It’s just because he’s so sensitive, is all. You had almost nothing to do with it. If Soundwave had walked into power lines, it would have had the same effect.”

Glitch wasn’t listening to him.

“It’s my fault,” he murmured. “All my fault.” His voice had a hollow sort of tone that somehow sounded more horrified than any screaming, raving lunatic. “I killed Soundwave.”

“No, you didn’t,” Sidelock said firmly. “Let’s get you into your room.”

Glitch began to chuckle as his friend dragged him down the hall.

“I’m gonna die,” he giggled. “I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die…”

Sidelock waited until they had safely staggered through three more halls before slamming Glitch up against the wall and delivering a firm slap to the side of his head.

“You’re not gonna die!” Sidelock shout-whispered, giving him a good shake. “I already told you, you’re gonna be fine. Don’t you trust me?”

If Glitch had the ability to sob, he would have been drowning in tears.  
“I don’t even trust myself,” he huffed, his voice crackling.

“Well, you got to trust somebody, so trust _me_ when I say this,” Sidelock growled. “It’s going to be okay. I’m gonna take care of you. I’ve done it ever since we came aboard, and I’m not going to stop. So get ahold of yourself.”

Glitch tried to raise his head as much as he could, but it just flopped to the side again. He took a deep breath through his vents.

“Okay,” he said shakily. “Okay, okay, okay. Thanks.”

“Yep,” Sidelock replied, slinging Glitch’s arm around his shoulder again. “Now let’s get you into the suite before Soundwave figures out what happened.”

◅ ◬▚►⎊◄▞ ◬▻

Soundwave came online slowly. A buzzing ring pierced his audials, painfully reminding him of how much energy he had just absorbed.

He sat up, putting a slim hand to his head. Nothing appeared to be broken, thankfully. Laserbeak was still shaken; the bird had taken the brunt of the discharge, but he seemed all right.

What _was_ that? He had come down here to settle the complaints of a Vehicon driving through the starboard halls, and the next thing he knew, he had crashed into someone and he was on the floor. Why hadn’t he seen this coming? Soundwave never crashed into anyone. He wasn’t that clumsy. And what was Sidelock doing down here? That Vehicon was supposed to be on engine room duty.

So many questions…

Soundwave replayed the incident in his internal display. He had been approaching the corner, then two figures had rounded the edge of the wall and crashed into him, and he had been delivered the biggest shock he’d experienced since Cybertron.

Soundwave froze the playback and studied his accidental assailants. He knew those Vehicons. Technically, he knew every Vehicon — he knew the unique names and scuffs and dents and voices of every soldier on the Nemesis — but those two were part of the group chat, were they not? They were partners.

The fact that the Vehicons seemed to always came in pairs or threes always fascinated Soundwave. It reminded him of … of something. What did it remind him of?

Sweet Primus, had that Vehicon knocked out his _memory_ files?!

Now he knew why that one was named Glitch.

He studied the frozen image of the Vehicons, recoiling in fright as they clung to each other.

And now he knew why Sidelock was down here. 

Soundwave got to his feet, steadying himself against the wall. It was about time he had a talk with those two.

◅ ◬▚►⎊◄▞ ◬▻

“There you go,” Sidelock grunted, lowering Glitch onto the slab. “Easy does it.”

Glitch kept his arm around his friend’s shoulders, his head bowed as he sat next to Sidelock. He said nothing. 

“How do you feel?” Sidelock asked briskly, looking at him.

“Um, fine,” Glitch said absently. Then he fell silent. Glitch normally wasn’t one to talk, but this was the quietest and saddest Sidelock had ever seen him.

Sidelock nudged him. “Hey.”

“What.” Glitch did not even turn to look at his friend.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

Glitch sighed. “Sidelock … what if someone figures it out? What if I get caught?”

Sidelock shrugged. “Won’t be a big deal,” he replied. “Frank and Pete already know, and they’ve kept the secret. Pretty sure Clicker knows.”

“And Soundwave doesn’t?!” Glitch growled, startling his friend. “Now that I’ve almost killed him, how long do you think Soundwave will wait to tell Knock Out about me — or Megatron? What if Megatron decides I’m not a necessary part of the ranks anymore? What if I get scrapped because I’m not normal like _everyone else?”_

“Well, that’s — that’s just stupid,” Sidelock replied, trying to make his voice light. “We track so much dirt in here, they’ll always need someone to mop! Show me anyone who can mop floors half as well as you do.”

Glitch did not laugh.

“Sidelock … what if I mess up?” he asked, his voice very small. “What if I mess up so bad that everyone notices?”

Sidelock was silent for a minute. Then, he put his arm around his friend and pulled him close.

“Then we’ll figure it out,” he said. “But as long as I’m here, I won’t let anyone get you.”

Looking at the opposite wall, Sidelock shrugged. “Besides, maybe Soundwave didn’t even know it was us. Maybe he won’t remember it at all.”

Suddenly, a notification popped up into their HUD’s.

_Glitch and Sidelock, your presence is requested in the medical bay._

_— Commander Soundwave, CO_

Glitch seized Sidelock by the shoulders. “Oh, scrap, I knew it! I _knew_ it! I’m gonna get scanned and I’m gonna get slagged!”

Sidelock looked at the message, and shook his head slowly.

“We — we have to go,” he murmured. “Soundwave ordered us to."

“You’re not gonna leave me, are you?” Glitch asked in a desperate whisper.

Sidelock wrestled his friend into a big bear hug. “No fragging way.”

◅ ◬▚►⎊◄▞ ◬▻

The door slid open quietly, and two Vehicons staggered into the medical bay, one holding tightly to the other.

Soundwave could tell even without reading their minds how frightened they were. To be fair, they had been called to the medibay under vague pretext by a Decepticon who had the authority to terminate them. They should be afraid.

But not of him.

Soundwave queued up some old medical recordings he had obtained from Cybertron, many years before the Great War, many years before he became a gladiator, many years before the world turned on its head.

“ _Slab_ ,” he played, pointing to the medical table standing in the center of the room.

The Vehicons flinched at the sound. They were afraid to move.

“ _Get on the slab,”_ ordered Soundwave.

Sidelock appeared to gather his nerve, and spoke.

“Um, Commander Soundwave, sir,” he started, his voice trembling. “What are you going to do to Glitch?”

“ _I am going to — help him,_ ” Soundwave played back, not moving in the slightest. He found that it further unnerved people when he “spoke,” but didn’t move. It made voices more disembodied; more disturbing, and more readily obeyed.

But Sidelock seemed wary.

“How are you gonna help him?” he asked suspiciously. “Cuz if it involves death or experimentation or something—”

 _“I am — not — Shockwave,”_ the CO’s voices replied. _“I am — responsible for — the — wellbeing — of — the troops.”_ He pointed a finger at Glitch. _“I know — how to help — him. Get on the slab.”_

At the moment, Glitch seemed to be having trouble standing. He leaned on Sidelock heavily.

“S-sidelock,” he stammered, his legs giving out. “It’s happening again…”

Sidelock, out of options, dragged his partner forward and heaved him onto the medical table, face-up, staring at the lights. Glitch began to convulse.

“Sidelock!”

 _“We’re talking — spark failure — if he keeps — going — like this,”_ Soundwave said, turning back to the computer.

Sidelock, clutching Glitch’s hand as he bent over the table, glanced frantically between his partner and Soundwave.

“All right,” he gave in, finally. “How can you help him?”

“ _Stand back._ ” Soundwave advanced toward the table, one end of a Cortical Psychic Patch in his slender fingers.

“What are you going to do—”

_“Stand — BACK.”_

Sidelock drifted to the back of the room, keeping a close eye on the table as Soundwave got to work. The Communications Officer plugged in one end of the Patch under Glitch’s head, and the other into the medibay computer.  
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Sidelock asked.

Soundwave turned and gave the Vehicon a _look_ , and after that, Sidelock was quiet.

 _“Inducing stasis,”_ the computer announced.

Glitch’s twitching began to subside as the stasis effect kicked in, his arms and legs going still, his red visor dimming a little. Soon, he was quiet, and looked no different than a dead mech.

Soundwave began to type long, long strings of code into a computer program, uploading specific commands directly into Glitch’s brain and nervous system.

The vital monitor by the table spiked and dropped, spiked and dropped, as Glitch’s Spark surged and surged again. Soundwave speculated that Glitch probably never had an attack this bad before. 

Soundwave knew without even looking that Sidelock’s mind was buzzing with questions. He heard them all very clearly.

But that could wait. Glitch’s life was most certainly on the line.

He typed quickly into the computer, completing the last strings of code just as the vitals on Glitch’s monitors dropped again.

 _“Upload complete,”_ the computer stated.

The columns of codes blinked twice, then disappeared as the Cortical Psychic Patch continued to glow. The vitals, which had been spiking erratically a few seconds ago, subsided into a steady, rhythmic beeping, displaying normal readings.

Then, and only then, Soundwave nodded to the Vehicon in the corner. _“Come — get him.”_

Sidelock was astonished.

“What … what did you do?” he demanded incredulously, darting over to the table. “How did you do that?”

The Vehicon’s excitement was amusing — almost catching.

 _“Inhibitor code.”_ Soundwave explained briefly. _“This will not — cure — his condition. But it will — stop — the seizures — and — prevent him from — absorbing — too much energy. Keep him — on janitorial duty — away from — electronics.”_

“Okay, but — Soundwave? Sir? How did you know what to do?”

Soundwave was silent, staring hard at the Vehicon until he looked away.

“I — guess I don’t need to know that,” Sidelock muttered. “What matters is you helped him.”

Soundwave turned back to the monitors, disconnecting Glitch from stasis. Sidelock stepped forward and caught his friend as he slid off the medical table.

“Wherr-re we goin’?” Glitch demanded, swaying from side to side. “Amm-m I dead, Shidelock?”

“No, you’re not,” Sidelock laughed, almost yelling with joy. “Thank Primus, you’re not!”

The happy Vehicon began to lead his partner to the door, but just before he pulled his partner over the threshold, Sidelock looked back at Soundwave. The Communication Officer was typing away as if nothing had ever happened.

“Soundwave?” Sidelock asked.

Pausing, Soundwave turned slightly from the computer screen.

“Thanks.”

Soundwave stared at him.  
_Thanks_.

It wasn’t often that Soundwave was thanked for something. He rather liked it.

In response, the CO nodded shortly, and watched as Sidelock escorted his groggy friend from the empty medibay.

He turned back to the computer, staring at it for a minute, deep in thought.

The Vehicon did not need to know where Soundwave had learned to deal with this condition. Sidelock did not need to know about how Frenzy had struggled with the same thing when he was young.

Soundwave would never tell anyone how difficult it had been to hide his own cassette’s abilities from the likes of Shockwave, or someone worse. He would never tell anyone about the long cycles staying awake to stabilize the young Minicon’s body, or the frantic rush to find a way to cure him, or the frustration he had felt when he could not find one.

But, just as Frenzy had had Rumble to look out for him, Glitch had his best friend to help him through the rest, and Soundwave knew that was all he needed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotlight: Glitch and Sidelock
> 
> Okay, I know there isn't technically supposed to be this level of camaraderie in the Decepticon ranks, but I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
> 
> Sometimes you need a little camaraderie in the middle of a covid shutdown.


	6. Hallowelloween p. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you I wasn't done!

**Clicker** : Hold the fragging ladder Axel

 **Axel** : Sorry

 **Clicker** : I don’t wanna be the one vehicon who dies from hanging decorations

 **Bobby** : Where do you want this webbing, mate?

 **Clicker** : Over in the corner with the spiders

 **Ricky** : The spiders are pretty cool

 **Bobby** : The dollar store’s dumpster has some good stuff

 **Clicker** : Speaking of spiders, is anyone sad that Airachnid’s gone??

 **Ricky** : NOPE

 **Bobby** : NOPE

 **Axel** : NO

 **Ricky** : Honestly she was a crazed maniac, even compared to Starscream

 **Clicker** : I wouldn’t go that far

 **Axel** : But she acted like we didn’t exist. At least Starscream beat us over the head or smacked us in the face once in a while

 **Ricky** : At least Starscream was honestly treacherous.

 **Bobby** : Right? Airachnid thinks she’s subtle but she’s just a really annoying liar.

 **Clicker** : On the other hand, SS doesn’t even TRY to be subtle

 **Bobby** : Maybe that’s why Megs always keeps him around

 **Ricky** : cuz he knows SS is crazy and he’d rather have crazy where he can see him

 **Clicker** : Remember that one time when Soundwave OWNED the spider??

 **Axel** : That was an epic day :)

 **Bobby** : He let us all watch too

 **Clicker** : Soundwave don’t take scrap from anybody

 **Clicker** : He literally stopped Starscream from euthanizing Megatron at one point

 **Ricky** : How do you know that??

 **Clicker** : Knock Out told me

 **Jimmy** : Hey, guys, we finished the Energon goodies!

  
**Pete** : it took two cubes to get it right, but we made some pretty decent ones

 **Axel** : What is that thing hanging from the ceiling?

 **Ricky** : That’s a ghost

 **Axel** : Like a Minicon ghost?? Where is the spark?

 **Bobby** : Its a human ghost silly

 **Pete** : Wait, we have a human ghost loose aboard the ship?!

 **Pete** : Who did you idiots kill?!

 **Ricky** : Michael Jackson

 **Bobby** : Hee-hee

 **Ricky** : Thriller Night yo

 **Clicker** : Attention everyone: There is a human spirit on the loose. Hide the weapons XD

 **Pete** : WHAT

 **Ricky** : It isn’t real, mate, its a white cloth over a ball hanging on a string

 **Pete** : Ah, okay.

 **Ricky** : Nearly gave Pete a heart attack

 **Bobby** : Tis the season

 **Clicker** : Cool, I think Steve and Joe just got back with the swag

**_Steve_ ** _is online_

**_Joe_ ** _is online_

**Steve** : All right everyone, come get your headgear!

 **Axel** : What headgear??

 **Steve** : The costumes. Each costume is basically a hat bc we don’t have anything on Earth that will fit us

 **Ricky** : That’s a shame. I would look great in a tuxedo

 **Bobby** : Agreed, mate

 **Joe** : All right Steve gimme my green fuzzy thing and let me go fix the wall

 **Steve** : Fine

**_Joe_ ** _is offline_

**Jimmy** : I want mine!

 **Axel** : I want mine, too!

 **Steve** : Okay calm down children

 **Axel** : Cool a cowboy hat!

 **Steve** : Yeah, sorry, couldn’t find Patrick’s head laying around anywhere

 **Pete** : I don’t understand why I have a donkey head the size of an Earth elephant in my hands

 **Steve** : Put it on your head Eeyore

 **Pete** : This is humiliating

 **Pete** : Where’s Frank

 **Frank** : I’m right here!

 **Pete** : Oh…

 **Clicker** : Oh my Primus

 **Steve** : “And thusly he swept into the room, lacerated pumpkin innards dripping profusely from his chassis; his arms, his chest, his face, the blood and gore of a thousand terrified pumpkins forever lodged in his crevices…”

 **Pete** : Stop narrating Steve

 **Clicker** : I thought it was rather poetic

 **Steve** : Here’s your bucket, Pumpkin King

 **Pete** : Did you even carve a pumpkin??

 **Frank** : Well I shot a lot of them

 **Frank** : they explode really well!!

 **Frank** : But yes here is my final completed product

 **Ricky** : Hey, it’s our sigil!

 **Bobby** : Decepticons forever! :)

 **Steve** : It looks awesome!

 **Axel** : Yee haw!

 **Clicker** : Put it on the table next to the food

 **Pete** : Nobody touch the Engex yet

 **Bobby** : Engex?!

  
**Ricky** : BAGSY

 **Bobby** : u wot

 **Ricky** : I called bagsy, it’s mine!

 **Steve** : Bagsy and dibs don’t work here

 **Bobby** : GAAAAASP

 **Ricky** : Bagsy ALWAYS works!!!

 **Bobby** : Bagsy is the HIGHEST authority!

 **Ricky** : Higher than DIBS

 **Pete** : No

 **Ricky** : OK

 **Bobby** : Yes, mum

 **Axel** : Yee haw!

 **Bobby** : Dya like our decor?

 **Steve** : It looks awesome, guys

 **Jimmy** : SPOOKY

 **Axel** : Yay! Spoopy Seeson!

 **Jimmy** : I’m SPIDER MAN

 **Pete** : I think you’re having too much fun with this

 **Jimmy** : SPIDER MAN

 **Axel** : SPIDER MAN

 **Jimmy** : DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN

 **Axel** : SPINS A WEB

 **Jimmy** : ANY SIZE

 **Axel** : CATCHES THIEVES

  
**Jimmy** : EATS THOSE GUYS

 **Pete** : Wait, what?

 **Axel** : YOU GET ‘EM, SPIDER MAN

 **Steve** : That’s not the song

 **Jimmy** : It is now

 **Axel** : Yee haw imma COWBOY WHEEEE!

 **Clicker** : I’m Skeletor and I approve this message

 **Steve** : Just let the kids tear around for a while, that’s what always happens at hallowelloween parties

**_Joe_ ** _is online_

**Joe** : All right, done with the wall. R&B, if you ever street race and break something again, you’ve officially hallowed your last ween

 **Ricky** : Not much of a threat coming from Oscar the Grouch

 **Bobby** : Im so scared :P

 **Frank** : Guys, how’s my bucket look? Do I look intimidating?

 **Joe** : Dorky would be a more appropriate word

 **Frank** : You wanna die, Joe??

 **Joe** : Every day

 **Axel** : Yee haw

 **Joe** : Axel

 **Axel** : Yee?

 **Joe** : Axel

 **Axel** : Huh

 **Joe** : Say yee haw one more time

 **Axel** : YEE HAW

 **Pete** : Guess what else me and Jimmy made?

 **Bobby** : Anything less than a Starscream piñata would be a disappointment

 **Pete** : We made oil cake!

 **Frank** : You had oil cake without me?

 **Frank** : Disappoint

 **Ricky** : BAGSY, the oil cake’s mine!!

 **Joe** : R&B, you guys look really Nascar-y

 **Bobby** : Why thank you

 **Ricky** : isn’t it lovely

 **Bobby** : Now we can race in style

 **Joe** : As long as you don’t put any more holes in the wall I’m fine with it

 **Joe** : Seriously, the wall looked like it was hit by the fragging Death Star

 **Pete** : What’s a Death Star??

 **Steve** : What

 **Jimmy** : WHAT

 **Bobby** : You’ve never seen Star Wars, Pete?

 **Pete** : I don’t watch human TV

 **Steve** : Mkay, movie night just got a little longer

 **Steve** : Speaking of Star Wars

 **Steve** : Where are Glitch and Sidelock?

 **Steve** : I have their helmets

 **Clicker** : Last time I saw them was yesterday

 **Jimmy** : They didn’t get killed, did they?

 **Clicker** : I don’t think so??

 **Steve** : Well if they don’t show up, then we can use the helmets for target practice I guess

 **Bobby** : Ricky, I challenge you to a race

 **Ricky** : You’re on, slowpoke

**_Ricky_ ** _is offline_

**_Bobby_ ** _is offline_

**Steve** : All right, what else is left to do??

 **Jimmy** : Oh, I forgot to set up the conference room

 **Axel** : I can help

 **Clicker** : Btw, guys, Megatron and Dreadwing are off ship, they’re overseeing one of the new mines

 **Steve** : So we don’t have any Leaders on board?!

 **Clicker** : Not except Soundwave

 **Steve** : WOOT WOOT

 **Axel** : YAY

 **Jimmy** : PARTY NIGHT

 **Axel** : Lets GOOOO

**_Jimmy_ ** _is offline_

**_Axel_ ** _is offline_

**Pete** : We’re gonna get in so much trouble for this

 **Clicker** : Oh, yeah, Pete, the guys in the engine rooms need your help

 **Pete** : What happened

 **Clicker** : Seems somebody knocked over the cubes you stacked yesterday

 **Pete** : Not again

 **Pete** : Frank, save me a seat

 **Frank** : whatever

**_Pete_ ** _is offline_

**_Sidelock_ ** _is online_

**Sidelock** : Hey guys!

 **Clicker** : Where were you two

 **Sidelock** : Taking care of some stuff

 **Sidelock** : What’s this I hear about a party tonight??

 **Joe** : Well, apparently there’s a party tonight

 **Steve** : Here’s your costumes!

 **Sidelock** : Awesome, stormtroopers!

 **Clicker** : What’s the matter with Glitch

 **Sidelock** : He’s tired

 **Clicker** : Oh

 **Frank** : Let’s blow something up already this is boring

 **Steve** : It’s not time for the party yet Frank

 **Frank** : Whennnnn

 **Steve** : We have to wait until the sun goes down and its nighttime

 **Frank** : In space, it’s always nighttime

 **Steve** : We aren’t in space, we’re in Sawtooth Dakootie

 **Clicker** : I think it’s South Dakota

 **Steve** : Correct

 **Clicker** : You spend too much time on YouTube

 **Steve** : Ur one to talk

 **Steve** : Anyway we got a few hours until we can really start

 **Sidelock** : Frank why are u sitting on like three chairs?

 **Clicker** : Cuz Pete asked him to save a seat

 **Sidelock** : Awwww

 **Frank** : Shut up

**_Jimmy_ ** _is online_

**Jimmy** : HEY GUYS

 **Jimmy** : Guess who showed up to the party?!

 _  
_**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is online_

**Knock Out** : Guten tag, lightweights

 **Clicker** : How’d you get back on board??

 **Knock Out** : Soundwave was kind enough to send me a groundbridge because SOMEONE was away from his post

 **Clicker** : Nyah

 **Steve** : Did you win the race?

 **Knock** **Out** : Hahaha

 **Knock** **Out** : Hahahaha

 **Knock** **Out** : It appears this fool does not know me

 **Steve** : So … you did win?

 **Knock** **Out** : of course I did Steven

 **Knock** **Out** : I’m kind of a legend down there

 **Clicker** : Whats with the cape

 **Knock** **Out** : I heard there was a halloween party so I thought I’d dazzle you all

 **Jimmy** : You’re Doctor Doom!

  
**Knock** **Out** : I am

 **Jimmy** : AWESOME

 **Frank** : I could think of a few different words

 **Jimmy** : Its a good cape, I’m impressed

 **Knock** **Out** : At least one of you knows a good thing when he sees it

 **Axel** : OH

 **Axel** : Because he’s a DOCTOR

 **Axel** : I get it

 **Clicker** : Bravo, Nightbeat, you have done it again

 **Clicker** : Also, I thought Doctor Doom was supposed to be taller

 **Knock** **Out** : what

 **Clicker** : Proportionally speaking you’re kind of insulting the good doctor imo

 **Knock** **Out** : Well THIS Doctor Doom happens to possess a pair of buzzsaws which would gladly cut you down to my size given the opportunity

 **Clicker** : I really can’t take you seriously Doc, you’re such a cute little guy

 **Clicker** : Even if your finish needs some work :)

 **Knock** **Out** : THATS IT

**_Clicker_ ** _is offline_

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is offline_

**Joe** : Here we go again

 **Steve** : I think they hate each others guts

 **Frank** : I hate everybody

 **Sidelock** : Sure, that would explain why you’re saving like twelve seats for your buddy

 **Frank** : SHUT UP

**_Glitch_ ** _is online_

**Glitch** : Whazz goin on??

 **Joe** : ooh, what’s the matter with glitch

 **Frank** : Nothing

 **Sidelock** : He's just kinda tired

 **Glitch** : Eeueurghughrrghurgh

 **Steve** : I’d say its a little more than just kinda

 **Joe** : He looks like he’s recovering from stasis or something.

 **Sidelock** : He’ll be fine in a few minutes

**_Pete_ ** _is online_

**Pete** : okay, I’m back

 **Pete** : Thanks Frank!

 **Frank** : whatever

**_Axel_ ** _is online_

**_Ricky_ ** _is online_

**_Bobby_ ** _is online_

**Axel** : Bobby won the race

 **Ricky** : HE DID NOT

 **Ricky** : IT WAS A TIE

 **Ricky** : A TIE I SAY

 **Bobby** : Thats just what a Loser would say

 **Ricky** : You might be my partner, mate, but I’ll still give you a jolly good thrashing

 **Jimmy** : Ooh, the Jolly Good kind

 **Joe** : I need a drink

 **Pete** : I second that

 **Frank** : Mom needs his liquor

 **Steve** : Right, lets get this party started!

 **Axel** : Yee haw!

 **Jimmy** : DIBS ON TEH OIL CAKE

 **Ricky** : NO

 **Bobby** : NO

 **Jimmy** : YEEESSSS

 **Frank** : Jokes on all of you, I’ve got the cake

 **Axel** : I want some!

 **Sidelock** : ooh those Energon goodies look great

 **Jimmy** : Why thank you

 **Frank** : They’d better pass the taste test

 **Pete** : Dont eat them all Frank

 **Joe** : Clicker and Knock Out, calm THE FRAG DOWN and get over to the food table

**_Clicker_ ** _is online_

**_Knock_** **_Out_** _is online_

**Clicker** : Fine

 **Knock** **Out** : Spoilsport

 **Joe** : I can’t believe you two are more immature sometimes than the Nascar idiots

 **Clicker** : Pass Doctor Tic-Tac an energon goodie, he can’t reach

 **Knock** **Out** : SHudduP

 **Clicker** : these are really good, Pete

 **Pete** : Thank you

 **Steve** : And now, ladies and gentlemen

 **Joe** : It’s just gentlemen. There aren’t any girls here

 **Steve** : Silence, fool! Some of the readers are ladies

 **Joe** : What

 **Steve** : Let me finish

 **Steve** : AND NOW

 **Steve** : The moment we’ve all been waiting for…

 **Joe** : What moment?

 **Pete** : What are you talking about?

 **Steve** : Our special guest star!

 **Steve** : Introducing …

 **Steve** : SLENDERMAN

 **Ricky** : What

 **Jimmy** : No WAY

 **Knock** **Out** : Soundwave?!

 **Clicker** : You brought Soundwave?

  
**Frank** : How did you invite SOUNDWAVE to a vehicon party

 **Steve** : To be honest, he kinda invited himself

 **Steve** : Basically he’s here to make sure nobody dies

 **Steve** : Besides he’s the only DJ we got

 **Knock** **Out** : Ah.

 **Axel** : AAAUGH

 **Axel** : DONT LET HIM KILILL MEEE

 **Clicker** : He’ll turn you into a skelelelleton

 **Frank** : For hallowelloweeeneen

 **Axel** : AAAAAAA

 **Pete** : Stop it, the boy’s gonna have a seizure

 **Bobby** : Sounders’ costume looks really good

 **Ricky** : You’re telling me! It’s almost as good as our costumes

 **Clicker** : Come on, mine’s way better

 **Knock** **Out** : Not a chance. All you did was paint your face. Mine’s the best

 **Clicker** : Excuse you, Skeletor is a legend

 **Joe** : I need another drink

 **Steve** : Wait! Everybody, raise your cubes. I have something to say

 **Ricky** : Ooh a toast!

 **Bobby** : Very posh

 **Frank** : Toasts are boring

 **Jimmy** : What are we toasting

 **Clicker** : Milk, eggs, bread and cinnamon

 **Axel** : What

 **Clicker** : That was a French Toast

 **Joe** : Ugh

 **Knock** **Out** : I’ll kill you

 **Clicker** : Try it :P

 **Pete** : What are we really toasting, Steve?

 **Steve** : You’ll see. Get off the chat

**_Everyone_ ** _is offline_

Joe glanced up at Steve, watching as his partner got to his feet at the head of the makeshift table, surrounded by ten some-odd Vehicons.

They were a strange group; all bedecked in Halloween costumes of varying colors, and holding small Energon cubes in their hands. Some seemed annoyed, some were mildly entertained, and some looked genuinely confused.

 _All normal reactions to a toast_ , Joe thought. He looked down at his drink, pushing the little straw into a corner.

“Here’s to good friends and bad decisions,” Steve said loudly. “To those wonderful idiots who’ve seen us at our best and at our worst, and can't tell the difference anymore.”

Chuckles rippled around the room.

“To our partners, who have stuck by us through thick and thin, through Autobots and wars and all that stupid stuff,” Steve continued, waving a hand. “To all of us cannon fodder folks who have fought to survive another day — and won, so far! May we always be bloody good at surviving.”

More chuckling.

“May our friendships never grow old,” Steve continued. “And may we always remember one another in only the happiest of ways.”

Glitch and Sidelock glanced at one another.

“To everyone we have with us — for now, anyway,” said Steve, a little quieter, “And to everyone we lost before.”

Knock Out bowed his head a little. Axel lifted his glass.

“And here’s to our home, which most of us have never seen and only two of us can remember,” Steve said, nodding at Soundwave and Knock Out. “May the war be over as quickly as Megatron’s sobriety, so we can all go back there again.”

Laughter rang out into the room. Several Vehicons raised their glasses with enthusiasm.

“To us,” Steve finished, raising his glass. “To the Decepticons!”

“The Decepticons!” Ricky and Bobby shouted.

The Vehicons all around the table shouted a “hear, hear!” and Soundwave raised his glass, too. Watching him, Joe knew Soundwave would never drink in public, but the CO made himself a part of the celebration anyway.

 _That was a pretty good toast,_ Joe thought to himself as he raised his glass and took a long swig. _Hopefully, everything in it will come true._

“Let’s get this party started!” Ricky cried, slamming down his drink. 

“All right, let me at that oil cake!” Frank shouted, wrestling himself to the center of the table and grabbing two slices.

“Dibs on the Energon goodies!”

“I want some more Engex!”

“Oi!” Bobby yelled at Frank, slapping the cake out of his hands. “Who said you could have two?”

“You don’t get to lecture me on cake, Nascar.” The normally gruff Vehicon scooped up the cake and handed the second slice to Glitch.

Sidelock stared up at Frank in astonishment, but Pete just chuckled and sipped his drink quietly.

“Didn’t you say we had a movie to watch, Steve?” Clicker asked, popping another Energon goodie into his mouth.

“We have a list,” Steve said, pulling out a data pad. “Starting from the top, we have The Shining.”

  
“Is that a scary movie?” Axel called from the other side of the table.

“Axel, it’s so scary you’ll need Knock Out to give you emotional therapy for a week.”

Knock Out chuckled. “I think you _all_ need serious psychiatric help.”

“You’ve got a point there, mate,” Bobby chuckled, throwing an arm around Ricky. “We’re Vehicons. We’re practically _built_ to die, and we need a _lot_ of therapy.”

“What could possibly be wrong with us?” Jimmy asked. “We’re perfect!”

“Well, let’s see,” Knock Out said, counting off on his fingers. “As far as I can tell, all of you have some form of PTSD, the Nascar twins have ADHD or something like that—”

“That’s true,” Ricky snickered.

“Won’t deny,” Bobby said, sipping his Engex.

“Axel’s got several problems,” continued Knock Out. “Joe’s depressed, Frank’s an antisocial pyromaniac, Pete’s OCD, Clicker’s got insomnia, and he’s crazy to boot—”

“I know I’m crazy, therefore I am not crazy,” Clicker quoted. “Isn’t that crazy?”

“As polite as he is, Jimmy’s got abandonment issues, Glitch and Sidelock have severe anxiety for some reason, Megatron’s _way_ addicted to drugs, and Steve’s got schizophrenia.”

“Hey!” Steve shouted indignantly.

“So … we’re not so perfect?” Jimmy asked.

“Nope,” sighed Joe, staring into his drink. “We’re most likely all crazy.”

“A ship of fools, you might say,” Clicker murmured.

Steve put down the pad. “You guys, cheer up! It’s Halloween! We get to skelebrate!”

Knock Out raised an eyebrow. “Skelebrate?”

“Celebrate, but spooky,” Steve answered.

Joe groaned. “You and your puns.”

Steve socked him in the shoulder. “Shut up, you love my puns.”

“Unfortunately.”

“Anyway, thanks for outing all of us, Knock Out,” Steve went on, lifting the pad. "Next on the list we have the Star Wars movies, because _someone_ —” he looked pointedly at Pete. “Has not seen them.”

“I’m not as much of a human sympathizer as you are, Steve.”

“You’re just jealous because I have a whole planet of fleshies who _love_ me,” Steve said, lifting the data pad again. “Next, we have the Nightmare Before Christmas, Sixth Sense, Gremlins, and a lot more… but first!” He put down the data pad. “First we have some games, food, blindfold target practice, and — for all of us Groundpounders — a race!”

Joe groaned. “Oh, no…”

“Oh YEAH!” Ricky and Bobby roared, jumping to their feet.

“Whoever is shorter than me is disqualified,” Clicker quickly announced, drawing a death glare from Knock Out.

“I will thoroughly slag your pathetic aft if you make fun of my height again.”

“Fine, squirt.”

“I want to race the squirt!” Axel yelled.

Before anyone could say anything else, Soundwave stood up from his seat at the table, and made his way to the front of the room. All noises gradually ceased as every Vehicon realized — Soundwave was on the move.

Soundwave reached the head of the table, then stopped. He stared at Steve, and pointed to the empty chair he had left behind. The unnerved Vehicon clutched his glass, confused.

“Uh, what is it, Commander?”

The CO pointed Steve toward the chair authoritatively, not making a sound. Silently, Steve sat down next to Joe, staring at the slim, intimidating figure.

Soundwave lifted his head a little, looking out at the Vehicons, taking time to look each of them in the eye. A dead, silent moment passed. Everyone held their breath, their eyes riveted on the Communications Officer.

Then, Soundwave pointed to his reflective visor, and it lit up with a display of a smiley-face emoticon.

“Group photo!” Glitch shouted, making everyone jump. “Happy Halloween!”

Relieved laughter broke out around the table.

“So dramatic,” Knock Out chuckled, rolling his eyes.

Clicker glanced at him. “You’re one to talk, Doctor Doom.”

“I thought he was going to kill us, Axel,” Jimmy said, breathing a relieved sigh. “Axel?”

Axel was slumped over the table, unconscious.

“Oh, he’s out cold,” Sidelock said.

Frank laughed. “Soundwave scared him so bad his systems crashed!”

Steve glances at you (yes, you), and jerks a thumb over his shoulder at Axel. “Get a load of this chicken.”

Joe looked sideways at Steve. “Who are you talking to?”

Looking you (yes, you!) dead in the eyes, Steve sweeps out an arm, dramatically encompassing the whole table in a single gesture.

“Look at all those chickens!” he says in a high-pitched voice.

Joe chuckled. “Steve, you’re drunk as slag.”

“Tell that to the reader, you underprivileged fourth-wall-oblivious sap.”

“Somebody prop Axel up and let’s get this photo,” Ricky shouted. He threw an arm around Bobby’s shoulders. “Cheese!”

“Cheese?” Jimmy asked, lifting Axel into a sitting position.

“American humans say it when they’re about to take a picture,” Bobby explained. “Dunno why.”

“Everybody look at the camera — I mean, at Soundwave!” Pete directed. “Frank, stop hiding behind your cup.”

“I hate pictures,” Frank grumbled.

“Just look at him. Everyone ready? Say, Happy Hallowelloween!”

Jimmy pulled the limp Axel forward so Soundwave could see. Clicker held up two fingers behind Knock Out’s head.

Soundwave counted off, in someone else’s voice. “ _One … two … three!”_

“HAPPY HALLOWELLOWEEN!”

_Click._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the kudos and comments! Have a good day, everyone!


	7. Armada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Vehicons have several problems to deal with, as do their commanders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love your comments and feedback and stuff. Thanks so much everyone for reading!

**Bobby** : Anyone know where we keep the compression sealant??

 **Ricky** : Why

 **Bobby** : We’ve got a pressure leak in the engine room.

 **Pete** : Again?

 **Bobby** : I can’t help it if the pipes are trash, I’m not on the maintenance team

 **Sidelock** : Hey

 **Bobby** : Anyway I need the magic glue stuff pronto

 **Frank** : Why can’t you find it

 **Bobby** : They moved everything around in the storage bay and now I don’t know where anything is anymore

 **Glitch** : There is no communication on this ship

 **Pete** : There is, just not the helpful kind

 **Clicker** : What is all this tom foolery

 **Bobby** : I need compression sealant now

 **Clicker** : Oh, that’s by the central filtration unit.

 **Bobby** : What??

 **Bobby** : I thought I looked there

 **Bobby** : Oh

 **Bobby** : Thx mate

 **Jimmy** : Clicker how did u know that, ur on monitors

 **Clicker** : I’ve been all over this ship, and I remember weird stuff

 **Axel** : Ok, then when is my birthday?

 **Clicker** : we don’t have birthdays you dork

 **Ricky** : We don’t have Saturdays either

 **Bobby** : Sometimes I wish I was a human so I could experience the joy of the weekend

 **Clicker** : If you were a human you’d miss out on the joy of Engex

 **Steve** : Truth

 **Ricky** : He doth be spitting facts today

 **Sidelock** : Clicker’s just making up for his selective memory

 **Clicker** : Hey, you just watch yourself. You’re insulting a future notorious space pirate

 **Frank** : Yeah RIGHT

 **Clicker** : You’ll see. I’m gonna be the captain of a ship someday

 **Glitch** : Clicker — The insomniac pirate of the cosmos

 **Clicker** : Yes

 **Clicker** : With friends

 **Steve** : What do you guys want to do with your lives once we get back to Cybertron?

 **Clicker** : Like I said: Space Pirate

 **Pete** : I wouldn’t mind being in construction, I suppose

 **Joe** : Yeah, I’d probably end up in construction whether I wanted it or not

 **Frank** : Probably I’ll be a hired gun

 **Pete** : I would say go for it, but your aim’s awful

 **Frank** : Speak for yourself, Stormtrooper

 **Sidelock** : I want to open a little bar in the lower west side of Polyhex

 **Joe** : Boy, that’s original

 **Jimmy** : I’d go!

 **Frank** : So would I

 **Axel** : Me, too!

 **Clicker** : Someone get this man a bar

 **Pete** : no

 **Glitch** : I want to work at Sidelock’s bar

 **Ricky** : Being race track announcers wouldn’t be half bad, huh Bob?

 **Bobby** : Not bad at all, if we got to race once in a while

 **Jimmy** : What do you want, Steve?

 **Steve** : I just want some boring little job that doesn’t involve sudden death

 **Steve** : Maybe meet a nice girl, settle down

 **Frank** : As if you can get a girl

 **Steve** : As if I can’t

 **Clicker** : I’m taking bets: Which one of us will be the first to get a girl

 **Bobby** : Soundwave

 **Clicker** : Why the frag Soundwave

 **Bobby** : Bc he’s a great listener and he’s a bit on the mysterious side

 **Bobby** : Chicks dig that

 **Glitch** : I vote Frank

 **Pete** : Why????

 **Glitch** : I’m 97% sure Frank will turn out to be really good with kids

 **Jimmy** : That’s scary but true???

 **Steve** : He’d blow all the kids up in a day

 **Joe** : But they would have fun

 **Sidelock** : Soundwave’s not bad with kids either…

 **Ricky** : Two points for slenderman

 **Steve** : Jimmy’s awkward and shy and adorkable. He’s gonna be the first just you watch

 **Jimmy** : Haha No way ever

 **Steve** : I'm serious! Jimmy, you're already somebody’s favorite in the audience

 **Jimmy** : Yeah right Steve

 **Steve** : No really! One of them thinks you’re cool

 **Jimmy** : Okay yeah tell your ghost people that I appreciate the compliment

 **Steve** : They already know

 **Clicker** : Oh yeah the crazy person reminds me

 **Clicker** : Someone has to take Axel to the medibay

 **Axel** : !!

 **Sidelock** : Not it

 **Ricky** : Not it

 **Bobby** : Not it

 **Steve** : Not it

 **Joe** : Not it

 **Glitch** : Not it

 **Jimmy** : Haha miner exemption

 **Pete** : Not it

 **Clicker** : Frank you’re it

 **Frank** : Frag

 **Clicker** : *gasp*

 **Sidelock** : THAT is a no-no word

 **Joe** : We don’t allow no-no words on this good clean warship

 **Steve** : Can you imagine Frank with proper grammar and polish??

 **Bobby** : “And frag you in particular my good sir”

 **Sidelock** : “This fraggery doth be extraordinary”

 **Steve** : “Hm yes indeed madam I do declare, this is a most fragging day we have set upon”

 **Joe** : You all are idiots

 **Steve** : Takes one to know one pal

 **Frank** : Steve and Joe, you usually take Axel to the medibay

 **Frank** : Where you at

 **Joe** : We’re on patrol

 **Steve** : Or as I like to call it: ‘people-watching’

 **Steve** : We saw this guy walking a hundred dogs

 **Joe** : At least twelve

 **Steve** : A slag-load of dogs

 **Steve** : Doges

 **Joe** : No

 **Steve** : Anyway got to go, we found something that looks mighty sus

**Steve** is offline

 **Joe** is offline

**Pete** : Frank you still have to take Axel in

 **Bobby** : You lost by the “not it” rules

 **Frank** : Fine

 **Frank** : Not like the fragger can fight me anyway

 **Glitch** : You’d be surprised

 **Sidelock** : If Axel spent as much energy fighting the Autobots as he did fighting the medibay, we could literally win the war tomorrow

 **Clicker** : I don’t think you can do it Frank

 **Frank** : Wanna bet?

**Frank** is offline

**Clicker** : The power of reverse psychology

 **Sidelock** : What’s the M threat level today?

 **Clicker** : Uhh… I’d say a 1

 **Sidelock** : Oh, good

 **Jimmy** : Threat level? Is this some kind of warship thing I don’t know about?

 **Bobby** : Megatron’s mood level

 **Ricky** : One is good — five is very bad

 **Sidelock** : If his threat level ever reaches five, you won’t catch me around here

 **Glitch** : At that point, Megatron’s liable to start throwing people overboard

 **Clicker** : Like poor Bill

 **Sidelock** : Bill got yeeted

 **Bobby** : Yote

 **Ricky** : Death by yeeting

 **Jimmy** : Ok, guys, we’re sending up the Energon load in the elevator, but this week’s haul was kind of trash, so nobody complain about the fuel integrity or anything

 **Clicker** : As long as we don’t blow up, I’m fine with it

 **Ricky** : Yayyy more gross rations

 **Sidelock** : This whole ship is an Energon guzzler not gonna lie

 **Clicker** : I heard a rumor that this ship used to be a Titan-class Cybertronian once.

 **Jimmy** : No way

 **Ricky** : Thats rubbish

 **Glitch** : The ship’s not alive

 **Glitch** : Is it?

 **Clicker** : Nobody knows

 **Bobby** : Thats just a stupid rumor anyhow

 **Jimmy** : Idk, the haunted pirate ship of the skies sounds pretty cool

 **Sidelock** : We should sing sea shanties!

 **Pete** : No

**Axel** is online

**Axel** : YOU WONT TAKE ME ALIVE

 **Axel** : AHHH NOOO

 **Axel** : I hate the medibay!  
 **Axel** : YOU CANT KEEP ME IN THERE IKUHLASDjksafdhdsn

 **Frank** : Quit whining

 **Frank** : You can walk there like a big boy or I can drag you in unconscious

 **Frank** : Your choice

 **Axel** : AAUHGUHGH LET GO OF ME

 **Frank** : You chose unconscious

**Axel** is offline

**Jimmy** : Yikes

 **Clicker** : Kids, don’t be like Axel. Live smart. Enjoy life.

 **Bobby** : HA

 **Frank** : How the frag can anyone live smart AND enjoy life?!

 **Sidelock** : Ask Soundwave, he lives smart

 **Glitch** : Does he enjoy life, tho?

 **Ricky** : nope

 **Bobby** : Knock Out lives dumb and enjoys life immensely

 **Pete** : On the other hand, Starscream doesn’t live smart OR enjoy life

 **Clicker** : Kids, don’t be like Starscream

 **Jimmy** : Some days, I’m really glad I don’t have to be on the warship

 **Jimmy** : The rocks down here are way smarter than all of you

 **Sidelock** : Hey!>:(

 **Jimmy** : But smart rocks are not as fun as stupid friends

 **Sidelock** : Aww ^u^

 **Frank** : Ok, I finally got him into the medibay

**Knock Out** is online

**Knock Out** : What is this

 **Frank** : Your newest patient

 **Knock** **Out** : Im busy

 **Frank** : You’re just buffing yourself, princess, I think it can wait

 **Knock Out** : Considering how awful your finish looks, I don’t think you’re allowed to talk

 **Frank** : Just give him his scan or whatever so I can leave

 **Knock** **Out** : You can leave. He doesn’t need a babysitter, he just needs someone to drag him here

 **Frank** : Cool

 **Knock** **Out** : The frag?!

 **Knock** **Out** : …Did you knock him into stasis?!

 **Frank** : Uh maybe

 **Frank** : But he’s fine

 **Sidelock** : Axel, you okay?

 **Axel** : eughuthgudfghh

 **Frank** : See? Totally fine

 **Clicker** : Guys where is soundwave

 **Ricky** : I dunno

 **Glitch** : We have established that Soundwave is Slenderman

 **Bobby** : No one needs to know where he is

 **Clicker** : Well, Megatron needs to know where he is

 **Bobby** : Oh

 **Bobby** : I dunno

 **Sidelock** : Uh I saw him leave this morning

 **Sidelock** : I think he went out for a flight.

 **Jimmy** : Without telling anyone?

 **Sidelock** : I mean he already never tells us anything so

 **Bobby** : Did you blokes hear something

 **Frank** : What

 **Bobby** : Sounded like there was someone crawling around in the vents

 **Jimmy** : Are the vents on the warship big enough for someone to crawl around in them??

 **Ricky** : Oh, yeah. It’s a real security issue. we had a half-breed fleshie crawling around in here once

 **Clicker** : Is it Soundwave

 **Knock Out** : Doubt it, he wouldn’t make noise

 **Sidelock** : It’s probably just the fuel lines acting up again

 **Bobby** : I’m not sure

 **Frank** : Whoever’s in there is going to be sorry when the AC comes on

 **Pete** : I think Soundwave took the only brain cell with him.

 **Axel** : Uhhhh guys

 **Axel** : I just saw Starscream

 **Ricky** : wot

 **Axel** : I just saw Starscream

 **Jimmy** : In the vents??

 **Axel** : No, he just ran across the hall

 **Glitch** : What?

 **Pete** : Axel, you know SS isn’t on board anymore, right?

 **Axel** : There he goes again

 **Ricky** : There’s two?

 **Axel** : I just saw another one

 **Ricky** : THREE?!

 **Axel** : Literally three Starscreams walked past the medibay just now

 **Knock** **Out** : I didn’t see anything

 **Axel** : You were busy looking at yourself in the mirror!

 **Jimmy** : Axel, I think you’re drunk

 **Sidelock** : I don’t know if a drunk person would be seeing three Starscreams

 **Axel** : Four

 **Ricky** : FOUR FRAGGING STARSCREAMS??

 **Bobby** : They’re multiplying oh Primus

 **Jimmy** : This is either the beginning of a comedy or the beginning of a nightmare.

 **Knock** **Out** : He’s still coming out of stasis. Some people tend to hallucinate.

 **Ricky** : Thats probably it

 **Bobby** : Probably

 **Clicker** : Hopefully

 **Sidelock** : Wait where’s that alarm coming from

 **Glitch** : Comms room

 **Pete** : Clicker??

 **Clicker** : Not me

**Pete** is offline

 **Frank** is offline

The bridge began to pulse red, and rang with the sound of an alarm as all the Vehicons looked around in a panic. Pete and Frank immediately left their stations and ran off in the direction of the comms room, ready to apprehend the intruder.

“You think it’s another bird?” Pete asked as they ran.

“Big enough to use a comm unit? Are you kidding?” Frank laughed. “We get to beat somebody up today!”

They approached the source of the alert, rounding the corner. The alarms had stopped. They were close to the place an intruder had been.

But they were greeted by a quiet comm unit and an empty hallway.

Frank was about to grumble something about faulty security equipment, but suddenly, at the end of the hall, a certain familiar Seeker backed into the middle of the corridor, in full view of the Vehicons.

Once Starscream had seen the two of them, and realized his exposure, he turned and ran.

“Halt!” Frank yelled, chasing after him with Pete hot on his heels.

“I can’t believe Axel was right!” Pete gasped, thundering down the hall beside his partner. “I thought Starscream was gone for good."

“Well, it looks like today is our lucky day!”

They turned the corner at full speed, coming upon another empty hallway.

“Scrap,” Frank swore. “He’s too fast.”

“I think he was heading for the bridge,” Pete said. “We’d better call Megatron.”

“No time,” Frank growled. “I have a traitor to hunt!”

He charged off, yelling incoherently.

“Frank! Wait!” Pete shouted, running after him and typing hurriedly in the chat. “Wait for me, you idiot!”

**Pete** is online

**Pete** : Frank running get Starscream Axel’s right tell Megatron now!

 **Clicker** : Where was he??

 **Pete** : Lost him bridge got to go!

**Pete** is offline

**Clicker** : K I guess I’ll just give Megatron a ring then

 **Clicker** : Scuse me

 **Clicker** : And just a heads up: if anybody’s working on the bridge today it might be a bad idea to stay there

 **Knock** **Out** : I’ll alert the others

**Knock** **Out** is offline

**Jimmy** : So there’s Starscreams running around everywhere?

 **Ricky** : We need something that can withstand a starscream attack…

 **Bobby** : Get megatron

 **Clicker** : He’s at Mood Level Three right now this is not a good time

 **Glitch** : This day is already insane

 **Sidelock** : Where the frag is Soundwave??!!

Soundwave shot through the next cloud effortlessly, keeping straight and even as he pierced through the wind and water surrounding him. When he flew out the other side, trails of cloud mist flying off of his long, thin wings, he caught a glimpse of the sun as it rose over the sea. The roots of the clouds were alight in flames of magenta and red, and the sun made thousands of shining mirrors out of the ocean’s waves, the light rippling out in a flashing dance that stretched for miles.

The sun looked so small from here. It was almost hard to believe that something so far away could bring such beautiful light to the heavens without fail, every single day.

Soundwave liked the sunrise. He did not feel pleasure in many things anymore, but aside from serving Megatron and caring for Laserbeak, Earth’s sunrises were the one thing he actually enjoyed. He appreciated the consistency of the sun, how it rose with such regularity every morning, but still managed to throw something different at him every time. Each sunrise was unique.

Earth had many patterns of that nature — things that were so common, so normal, and yet so individual when you looked close.

Laserbeak just enjoyed being able to fly after being cooped up on the Nemesis for so many weeks.

Every now and then, if the day was slow, Soundwave would let the bird detach from his dock and fly around the warship, but that tended to cause problems with the Vehicons walking in the halls. Laserbeak was always very eager when he got into the open corridors, and if Laserbeak were to approach an unsuspecting Vehicon and shot past his head at ninety miles an hour … well.

Soundwave enjoyed the peace of the early morning, but today, it did not last long. After they had only been out for a few hours, a notification popped up in his HUD, warning him of local weather complications.

Sure enough, in the distance, Soundwave could see the roiling black storm clouds that already gathered on the horizon, blowing in from the east and churning up the waters below with rain and wind.

Oh, well. Nothing good lasted forever. Soundwave sent an alert to Laserbeak.

_Return._

Laserbeak did not respond.

Soundwave sent another ping, this time more urgent.

_Laserbeak. Return._

Laserbeak, a tiny dot in the distance, streaked on ahead without any indication that he had heard. The storm must have been interfering with the comms.

Before Soundwave could say anything else, before he could speak at all, Laserbeak dipped a little in the sky and flew straight into the storm, instantly swallowed up by the thick clouds.

Soundwave felt a very unfamiliar surge of panic in his Spark. He had lost sight of Laserbeak, something that happened rarely. Acting quickly, he instantly adjusted his bearings and followed, pushing his highest speed as he shot into the stormfront after his Minicon.

What had possessed Laserbeak to fly straight into a storm? He knew the little bird liked adventure, but this was ridiculous.

The rain hit him before the lightning did. It was relentless, flaying his metal with terrible force. But Soundwave could take it. Earth didn’t have metal-devouring acid rain like Cybertron did.

Luckily, his scanners could still make out the faint signal of his little Minicon, bobbing and darting ahead of him. Laserbeak was probably having a rougher time of it than he was.

The grey sea churned beneath him, separated from the blurred sky only by a white line of foam. The torrent of rain whipped around him and pushed him down, over and over again.

Then, the lightning hit.

A tremendous, earth-shattering _CRASH_ was all he heard, and then everything was slammed into slow-motion at the speed of light.

The blinding glare was all around him, intensifying, burning brighter, brighter, too fast, too fast, and for a single instant, Soundwave’s whole body just — stopped. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think.

Millions of volts of sharp electricity surged through him in a splintered second, piercing a fractured hole in him lengthways. Dimly, he realized he had transformed, but his T-cog was no longer obeying his commands. Every nerve in his body was opened up and ripped to shreds, trying to comprehend what this was — what was happening. What was he seeing?

But the light cut out when his optics were knocked into static. The intense, cold heat that plunged into his Spark and shot into his limbs sapped him of sensibility in a single instant, purging every other sense from his mind.

He lost altitude, careening through the rain, and fell into the waves.

**Pete** : Oh my Primus

 **Clicker** : What

 **Pete** : Starscream killed gas cap and turbine

 **Ricky** : NOOO

 **Frank** : Uh, yeah

 **Frank** : Inside the bridge

 **Ricky** : THEY WERE OUR RACING BUDDIES

 **Frank** : And now they’re not

 **Bobby** : Of all the ruddy nerve.

 **Ricky** : SOMEBODYS GONNA DIE

 **Pete** : Somebody already did

 **Frank** : Ok Clicker, the pilots are all dead

 **Frank** : The ship’s on auto

 **Clicker** : Got it

 **Pete** : Megatron’s mood level is somewhere between 3 and 4

 **Frank** : Hes also about to whup Starscream I think

 **Clicker** : Stay out of the bridge you guys

 **Glitch** : So Megatron’s facing off with Starscream in the bridge, the pilots are dead, the pipes are acting up, and no one knows where Soundwave is

 **Glitch** : Can anything else go wrong today??

 **Bobby** : Um

 **Bobby** : You guys hear that noise

 **Glitch** : What?

 **Ricky** : Kind of like a buzzing noise

 **Sidelock** : Like bees

 **Pete** : How do you know what bees sound like

 **Clicker** : Guys

 **Clicker** : I don’t know how to say this, but Glitch just jinxed us or something

 **Glitch** : Huh?

 **Clicker** : There are more than two hundred incoming objects heading straight for us

 **Ricky** : On the ground?

 **Clicker** : In the air

 **Sidelock** : Planes? Military jets?

 **Clicker** : Insecticons

 **Jimmy** : Wait what?!

 **Clicker** : You heard me

 **Clicker** : We are about to be attacked by an army of Insecticons

 **Clicker** : Everybody who’s able to fight get outside

 **Clicker** : I’ll alert the others on the loudspeaker

 **Clicker** : Jimmy you’re gonna have to alert the mines just in case

 **Jimmy** : Ok…

 **Clicker** : We need to keep the ship out of enemy hands

 **Clicker** : DEFEND THE NEMESIS AT ALL COSTS

 **Clicker** : GO TEAM

 **Sidelock** : Aye aye captain

 **Glitch** : Clicker is crazy

 **Sidelock** : Crazy awesome

 **Frank** : FRAG YEAH let’s go squish some bugs

 **Pete** : They’re more likely to squish us.

 **Jimmy** : Be careful out there, guys

**Everyone** is offline

Soundwave woke with a start, staring up at the dull blue sky. The clouds had cleared, and the storm was gone, but he was not in the air. What happened? Where was he?

Cool ocean breezes swept across his frame. Innocent waves lapped at his legs, as if deceitfully pretending there had never been a storm at all. Soundwave dug his fingers into the soft material around him. Sand?

Great, another problem. This would take him forever to clean out.

Laserbeak. Where was Laserbeak?

He sat upright, and flinched at the ringing that pierced his ears. Disoriented, he staggered to his feet, the water streaming off his body in trembling ropes. His eyes cut out into static again and again, every time he turned his head or made an effort to focus on anything.

Lightning. He had been hit by a lightning bolt, hadn’t he?

What if Laserbeak had been hit?

He shook the static out of his optics and tried to determine the Minicon’s position. His scanners were going haywire, still buzzing from whatever had jolted them out of sync before. His systems jumped from one location to another, pinpointing ten different places Laserbeak was, but he knew that wasn’t right. The Minicon could only be in one place at once.

He attempted to transform, but the sound his waterlogged T-cog made was discouraging. He could practically feel the salt solidifying around his inner mechanisms.

He wouldn’t be able to fly this time.  
Looks like he would be doing this manually. Flying dead stick, as it were.

Soundwave trudged forward through the wet sand, grateful that he hadn’t been discovered by a human out for a stroll, or a curious fisherman returning to shore.

He opened the comms, trying to reach the warship. There was no answer, but given the fact that nothing he possessed was working properly, he wasn’t surprised. He would keep trying to reach the Nemesis, but he didn’t hope for much. He had flown quite a distance this morning, and by this time, they were probably very far away.

All ten scans had indicated that Laserbeak was somewhere in the forest that sprawled out ahead of him, a little distance inland. He looked up at the static-saturated trees, stretching higher than he was tall, and breathed an internal sigh. This would take a while.

Soundwave peeled a strand of seaweed out of his shoulder cables, shook some sand out of his joints, and plunged into the forest, intent on finding his lost Minicon at all costs.

**Pete** : Primus

 **Glitch** : Theres so many

 **Sidelock** : Billy and Dave just got knocked overboard

 **Ricky** : Watch out Pete!

 **Axel** : I got him

 **Axel** : I don’t got him!

  
 **Axel** : Help!

  
 **Frank** : I got him

 **Pete** : Thanks Frank

 **Bobby** : I need help over here!

 **Frank** : DIE INSECTICON SCUM

 **Frank** : EAT LASER!

 **Sidelock** : Guys

 **Sidelock** : Megatron’s here

 **Pete** : Thank the Allspark!

 **Frank** : He’ll send these bugs straight to the Pit

 **Sidelock** : Look at him go

 **Bobby** : That there is gladiator material

 **Ricky** : Someone should offer him a job

 **Frank** : Watch your right Sidelock!

 **Glitch** : Where did all these Insecticons come from??!

 **Axel** : I Dont KNOW

 **Axel** : What is HAPPENING

 **Bobby** : Axel eyes sharp!! You’ve got incoming

 **Axel** : THEYRE CJASINH ME HLELP

 **Axel** : AAAHJSDJKKE

 **Bobby** : Get down!

 **Ricky** : OONO BOBBY GOT SPEARED

 **Pete** : Get him some cover

 **Ricky** : I got you Bob

 **Glitch** : We have to retreat!

 **Clicker** : Not until Megatron gives the word!

 **Axel** : We’re gonna die

 **Clicker** : Stand your ground!

 **Glitch** : There’s too many of them

 **Ricky** : Why do we always have second rate weapons?!?!

 **Sidelock** : I HATE BEING A VEHICON

Soundwave stumbled over a particularly large root, and slammed into a tree. His vision was instantly gripped with static seizures as he staggered away, pausing a moment to get his bearings. He put a hand to his head, trying to shake the distortion from his brain.

Ever since he had woken up, he had been unable to walk straight or see straight, which was proving to be a problem when walking through a forest. Painstakingly, Soundwave had stopped at every tree, every ditch, every suspicious-looking bush, and had proceeded to turn them inside out looking for his Minicon.

All he had found thus far were some squirrels, a few birds, and a fox. Nothing resembling metal could be seen for miles, and there were no signs of a crash anywhere.

The worst part was the amount of time he required just to move. Normally, he would have been able to track down Laserbeak and find him in ten minutes, tops. Right now, however, he could barely see, his ears were alive with ringing agony, and his body moved like a puppet tied up in too many strings.

His optics fuzzed again, his vision cutting out for the twelfth time. He stood still in the middle of the forest, his posture bent as he hit the side of his head — as if that would fix the problem. How was he supposed to find something when he couldn’t even look for it?

He stood very still, closing his eyes of his own volition, and he listened. He focused on little sounds, the sounds all around him; the squirrel’s claws scratching along the tree bark above, the frog’s dismal croaking down below. The ringing in his ears gradually slowed … and subsided … and then he heard it — a panicked chittering, not a sound made by any animal of Earth.

A sound made by Laserbeak.

He started off in the direction of the noise, trying to block out everything else. However, while Soundwave’s hearing was good — very, very good — it was not selective. There was nothing to stop the raging volume of everything in the forest, or the headache that followed after.

The noises around him were roaring now, intensified a hundredfold as he opened up his audio receptors and welcomed in the sound. Every insect, every crackling leaf, every snapping twig — it all rushed into him in an instant, surging around Laserbeak’s weak attempts at a cry, and he nearly lost the sound.

Nearly.

He didn’t realize he was running until he had tripped again, and fallen into a tree that dragged another scratch across his visor. He ducked out of the leaves, going more slowly, until he was right on top of the sound.

Losing control of his optic sensors, Soundwave bent down and rooted around in the undergrowth, feeling around in the leaves until his fingers brushed against a little wing.

At last.

Soundwave picked up Laserbeak and held him to his chest, greeted by a rush of relief pouring out of the little bird. Laserbeak’s wings were bent and warped; knocked crooked by the crash, and his little red visor was not as bright as it was before. He had sustained injury to his cerebral net and his spinal fixtures, by the looks of things.

Thankfully, Soundwave could still sense the Minicon’s emotions. Laserbeak was severely damaged from the crash, but he was strong enough to feel relief, at least.

Now they just had to get back to the Nemesis.

Soundwave put two fingers to his ear and opened up the comms, raising his head to the sky. His self-repair systems should have at least fixed the comms by now.

But there was no response.

Soundwave’s other arm tightened a little around Laserbeak. What was wrong?

This was a problem. They had to get home, right now — but he couldn’t fly, he couldn’t see half the time, and either his comms weren’t working, or there was nobody to listen on the other end. Things were looking worse every second.

**Pete** : OK Megatron’s telling us to pull back!

 **Clicker** : Everyone inside NOW

 **Clicker** : Lock down the landing bay

 **Sidelock** : What about Megatron

 **Pete** : If he wants to fight an entire army by himself fine

 **Pete** : If you want to live, get inside

 **Sidelock** : I’m going to go join the fragging autobots this is ridiculous

 **Glitch** : Get Bob to the medibay

 **Glitch** : Is anyone else hurt??

 **Frank** : WHAT the frag

 **Axel** : What was that

 **Glitch** : The whole ship just had a stroke or something

 **Axel** : Are we falling

 **Axel** : OHMY GOSH WE”RE FALLING

 **Axel** : WE’RE GOING DOWN

 **Axel** : THE SHIP IS LOSING ALTITUDE

 **Sidelock** : Uhh, guys, I just found Starscream dead in the closet??

 **Pete** : NOT helping

 **Axel** : WHY ARE WE FALLING

 **Clicker** : Sidelock, talk to me

 **Sidelock** : Ok, something happened to the power core

 **Sidelock** : By “happened to” I mean broke

 **Clicker** : What do you mean by broke

 **Sidelock** : I mean its on fire

 **Axel** : It EXPLODED?!

 **Frank** : Cool

 **Pete** : NOT COOL, FRANK

 **Clicker** : Everybody STOP PANICKING.

 **Clicker** : Sidelock, get in the nav bay with me NOW

 **Clicker** : I need someone on secondary controls, I can’t pilot the ship alone

 **Clicker** : Frank, Pete, Ricky and Axel, grab anyone you can find and lock down the power core

 **Clicker** : Make sure the fire doesn’t reach anywhere else

 **Frank** : I found another Starscream body

 **Glitch** : That’s the second one??

 **Sidelock** : Axel said there were four

 **Pete** : Which one was sneaking around in the vents

 **Frank** : I don’t know

 **Glitch** : Soundwave leaves for one day and everything goes to slag

 **Pete** : Where in the world is Dreadwing??

 **Sidelock** : Sleeping

 **Pete** : HOW CAN HE SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS

 **Sidelock** : I mean he’s been sleeping all day.

 **Axel** : You wake him up Glitch.

 **Glitch** : No, you.

 **Axel** : I’m not doing it!

 **Glitch** : Fine. We don’t need him anyway. We can handle this ourselves.

 **Pete** : Oh, yeah. Like we handled Starscream?

 **Clicker** : Look, I’m trying to keep the ship from crashing, can you all discuss this later?

 **Sidelock** : We’ve lost engines 2, 5, and 6

 **Sidelock** : Starboard engines are holding steady

 **Clicker** : Everybody clear the lower decks

 **Clicker** : Hold on, Megatron’s checking in

 **Clicker** : Okay he says prepare for landing

 **Clicker** : I need anyone who’s available to lock down any Energon you see and close the engine rooms, because we are about to crash

 **Axel** : The lights are going out

 **Clicker** : Glitch, help Knock Out lock down the medibay

 **Ricky** : Did you guys see an Autobot run past??

 **Axel** : No but I saw Starscream again

 **Clicker** : I can’t deal with that now!

 **Pete** : In other news, Megatron is officially at level 5 and has developed an eye twitch.

 **Axel** : We’re gonna die, man

 **Sidelock** : No we’re not

 **Glitch** : I’m pretty sure we’re gonna die

 **Axel** : I don’t want to die

 **Clicker** : Everyone hang on to something!

 **Clicker** : Touching down in 3

 **Clicker** : 2

 **Clicker** : 1

**Everyone** is offline

Soundwave nearly dropped Laserbeak as a sudden alert popped up in his HUD. He recovered, halting in his march and breathing an internal sigh as he glanced at the notification.

The warship’s coordinates — fifteen miles due east. And it was stopped.

Had the shields gone down? Why wasn’t the Nemesis moving? What was going on up there?

Soundwave attempted to transform, practically commanding his T-cog to activate. But nothing happened, and his vision glitched again, sending a shuddering spasm through his body.

Laserbeak fluttered his dented wings a little, chittering quietly.

Well, there was only one thing for it. They were walking home. Hopefully, they would be able to make it before the warship moved again.

Soundwave brushed some mud streaks off of Laserbeak’s poor little wings. It would take a little work to get him back to normal, but it would be okay. This was all assuming he would have time to make repairs; considering all the hijinks that were probably going on up there. He would probably be very busy when he got back.

If they ever got back.

**Clicker** : Damage report?

 **Sidelock** : Everything’s broken

 **Clicker** : Who’s still alive?

 **Pete** : Me

 **Axel** : Me

 **Glitch** : I am

 **Ricky** : Bobby and I are alive, but a little worse for wear

 **Frank** : I lost an arm!

 **Frank** : That was epic!!

 **Frank** : We should do that again!

 **Pete** : Frank, you lost an arm??

 **Frank** : Only a flesh wound

 **Pete** : We need to talk about your sense of self-preservation

 **Frank** : What about it??

 **Pete** : You don’t have any

 **Ricky** : Clicker, you were amazing!

 **Frank** : Yeah, he crashed the ship

 **Clicker** : I coordinated an accelerated landing is what I did

 **Pete** : You and Sidelock crashed the ship

**Jimmy** is online

**Jimmy** : What happened up there??

 **Jimmy** : Our comms went down

 **Glitch** : Well, so did the ship

 **Jimmy** : WHAT

 **Axel** : The ship crashed

 **Jimmy** : How?

 **Jimmy** : Why?

 **Jimmy** : Is everyone okay?

 **Clicker** : I don’t know, I don’t know, and a lot of guys died

 **Sidelock** : Yeah, but that was mostly from the Insecticon attack

 **Ricky** : We’ve had a pretty rough go of it today

**Steve** is online

 **Joe** is online

**Joe** : What is going on up there

 **Clicker** : We crashed the ship, Starscream is in twelve different places at once, and we got attacked by the Insecticon army

 **Steve** : The WHA

 **Clicker** : Why don’t you read up on the chat, okay?

 **Clicker** : Is Knock Out still alive?

 **Glitch** : Yeah, he’s with me

 **Clicker** : Ok, EVERYONE help him bring all the wounded to the medibay, and then start repairs in the engine rooms

 **Clicker** : I have to go report to Megatron

**Clicker** is offline

**Steve** : What’s up with him?

 **Frank** : He’s the boss

 **Steve** : Wow

 **Steve** : I leave for five minutes and y’all break the ship

 **Frank** : Shut up steve

 **Sidelock** : When are you two coming back? we need all hands on deck here

 **Steve** : We can’t yet, we’re investigating some suspicious activity

 **Sidelock** : You got pulled over for a ticket, didn’t you

 **Steve** : No!

 **Joe** : He should have been

 **Steve** : You know I don’t stop for cops

 **Joe** : You’re going to blow our cover one day with your awful driving

 **Joe** : If Soundwave would make us holomatter avatars, this wouldn’t be a problem

 **Steve** : Do you have any idea what kinds of pranks we could pull with holomatter avatars?

 **Pete** : And that’s the reason we can’t have nice things

 **Joe** : Well, you certainly violated the law.

 **Steve** : No I did not

 **Joe** : Yes, at least twice today, not counting the elementary school incident

 **Steve** : Speedometer-wise I made some questionable decisions

 **Steve** : But this stupid car was chasing me

 **Steve** : Oh no!

 **Steve** : It’s back

 **Sidelock** : What is??

 **Steve** : It’s that stupid black car

 **Steve** : The Pontiac Trans-Am with the curly haired fleshie driving it

 **Joe** : The one with that little red scanner on the front?

 **Steve** : Yeah, y’all think your day was bad? We were attacked by a crossover

 **Jimmy** : I’m so confused

 **Glitch** : Well, guess what I’ve got to clean up today

 **Glitch** : FOUR STARSCREAM BODIES

 **Steve** : What?!

 **Frank** : Haha Megatron be like bro that’s the third time I killed that guy

 **Steve** : Commander Starscream was on board?!

 **Sidelock** : Didn’t you read the chat

 **Steve** : I didn’t think you all were serious

 **Steve** : I can’t believe he came back!

 **Axel** : Yeah, well he un-alived at least five of us today

 **Frank** : That pompous little fragger

 **Steve** : That’s Commander Starscream to you

 **Pete** : Yeah, Frank doesn’t really care

 **Frank** : We should have mobilized an airstrike and strafed that guy

 **Ricky** : How? We’re not exactly Seekers

 **Frank** : We’ve been around SS enough to learn a few things

 **Pete** : All I learned from Starscream was how not to do things

 **Glitch** : The guy just died four times trying to kill Megatron

 **Sidelock** : Making him tonight’s big loser!

 **Glitch** : Speaking of Seekers, Dreadwing’s finally awake

 **Ricky** : That bloke sleeps like the dead

 **Axel** : This day has been awful

 **Axel** : I kind of want Jimmy’s job

 **Jimmy** : Oh! Deal! You can absolutely have my job!

 **Pete** : You’re not a miner, Axel

 **Axel** : Oh

 **Axel** : Drat

**Knock** **Out** is online

**Knock** **Out** : This is ridiculous

 **Knock** **Out** : How many Insecticons ARE there?!

 **Knock** **Out** : There are a bunch of these lumbering yahoos crowding the halls

 **Jimmy** : They’re inside??

 **Sidelock** : Yeah apparently they’re all on our team now

 **Knock** **Out** : They’re in my way is what they are

 **Knock** **Out** : I might decapitate one of them and see what happens

 **Pete** : Dreadwing should be taking care of traffic

 **Knock** **Out** : None of this tomfoolery ever happened on Velocitron

 **Sidelock** : Ooh, you know he’s worked up when he starts talking about Velocitron

 **Steve** : Joe where are we going

 **Steve** : I thought we were taking a left at the Walmart

 **Joe** : We did. Right?

 **Steve** : IDK, are we lost?

 **Joe** : No?

 **Steve** : Do you know where we are?

 **Joe** : No

 **Steve** : Then we’re lost

 **Steve** : Ok, guys we’ll get back to you, we have to figure out a way home first

 **Pete** : I’ll ask Clicker to send you guys the coordinates

 **Steve** : Thx

**Steve** is offline

 **Joe** is offline

**Sidelock** : I need some help with the power converters, they’re completely fried

 **Frank** : I got you

 **Glitch** : This is a huge disaster.

 **Pete** : Frank, your arm’s off

 **Knock** **Out** : Get in line, I’ll fix you once I work my way down

 **Frank** : But BATTLE SCARS doc!

 **Sidelock** : You gotta respect the battle scars

 **Frank** : You GOTTA respect the battle scars!

 **Pete** : I wish you weren’t insane. It would be so nice

 **Sidelock** : Someday we’re gonna look back on all this and just laugh

 **Knock** **Out** : I seriously doubt it

 **Jimmy** : Well, at least this can’t get any worse, right?

 **Knock** **Out** : Somehow I seriously doubt that too

 **Pete** : I think Dreadwing’s got the Insecticons squared away

 **Clicker** : Megatron wants to know the extent of the damage

 **Sidelock** : Ok so my repair team buds and I have successfully contained the fire

 **Sidelock** : But they’re saying the engines won’t be able to fly for a while

 **Sidelock** : The power core lost all integrity when it exploded, leading to a burnout in half the engines

 **Sidelock** : It’ll be at least a few days before we can even get airborne, not to mention all the repairs needed on the hull

 **Knock** **Out** : What about the cloaking shields?

 **Sidelock** : Oh, we’re totally exposed. The Autobots will find our position in no time and we won’t see them coming

 **Clicker** : So we could literally be attacked by the Autobots right now??

 **Glitch** : Hopefully, they’re having as bad of a day as we are.

 **Pete** : We’re going to need guards around the clock

 **Clicker** : More importantly, we need Soundwave

 **Clicker** : He’s the only one who can get the shields back up

 **Sidelock** : Freddie says there was probably sabotage involved

 **Pete** : Really??

 **Sidelock** : Yeah, they checked the power levels before the explosion and there was nothing wrong

 **Sidelock** : Plus, we wouldn’t have had an explosion of that magnitude if it had just been a leak or something

 **Frank** : Everyone prepare to blame Starscream for all of this

 **Clicker** : Well, once Soundwave gets back we can check the security cam and figure out what really happened.

 **Knock** **Out** : In the meantime, I think you should all try to practice a little common sense and stay the frag out of trouble for a good five minutes

 **Frank** : No promises Doc

 **Pete** : I mean if the Autobots show up then you’re going to have a lot more patients

 **Ricky** : Is Bobby gonna be okay??

 **Knock** **Out** : Who? Oh, your stabbed friend

 **Knock** **Out** : Yes, he’ll be fine, he’s in stasis rn

 **Ricky** : Oh, good, thanks Doc

 **Jimmy** : You’re doing a great job sir!

 **Knock** **Out** : *^*

**Knock** **Out** is offline

**Sidelock** : Did he die

 **Frank** : Hope not, my arm hurts

 **Frank** : Oh nvm he’s speeding down the line

**Soundwave** is online

**Soundwave** : Let me in?

 **Clicker** : SOUNDWAVE

 **Ricky** : About jolly time

 **Axel** : SOUNDWVAE

 **Sidelock** : Sounders is back!

 **Glitch** : You’re back!!

 **Pete** : Finally

 **Soundwave** : Are you going to let me in

 **Clicker** : Oh yeah yeah hang on

 **Clicker** : doors aren’t working very well

 **Clicker** : Megatron’s in the bridge. He’ll probably want to see you as soon as possible

**Soundwave** is offline

**Pete** : Well, that’s the first thing that’s gone right all day

 **Glitch** : It can only get better from here, right guys?

 **Sidelock** : Right

 **Ricky** : I hope so

 **Axel** : Right!

 **Clicker** : Cheers to that

Megatron was quiet as he stood on the bridge. Very quiet. A Vehicon had just reported the extent of the damage to him, and he found himself alone with a few minutes to think over the events of the day.

To understate matters, Megatron was not enjoying himself. Everything that could have gone wrong today did, and while he had augmented his army with some few hundreds of Insecticons, they had caused more trouble than anything else so far, and that was excluding their massive assassination attempt earlier.

Now his ship was grounded with no hope of flight in the foreseeable future; he now had to prepare for a potential attack from the Autobots, and he had managed to lose his Communications Officer on top of all that.

He required a phenomenal solution. There had to be a fast way to get the Nemesis back in the air before the Autobots showed up.

What to do, what to do…

At the sound of a nearly silent footfall behind him, Megatron whipped around, his fusion cannon readied.

But when Megatron saw who it was, he lowered his gun.

“Soundwave?”

Soundwave was covered in dirt, leaves, and scratches. Seaweed stuck out from his joints at odd angles, and sand trickled out of various chinks in his armor, sticking in some places to his slight frame. His normally neat finish was horribly scuffed, and one of his arms hung at a crazy angle.

He held Laserbeak in his other arm, with a distinct air of triumph about him.

Megatron looked him over.

“Who did this?” he asked finally.

“ _No one,”_ Soundwave promptly replied, static filling his audio clips. “ _Had some — problems — with the — weather. Comms — were down. Laserbeak — crashed.”_

Megatron stared at him for a second, unsure whether to laugh or not. The idea that Soundwave could be this … put out by Earth’s weather was a little amusing.

“When you told me you were going for a flight this morning, I did not expect you to be gone long,” he said, his frown deepening a little. “As you can see, we are in the middle of an inconvenient situation, and I would like your assistance.”

“ _Apologies_ ,” Soundwave said. “ _I can — get to work — on repairs — right away."_

“If you think I’m going to let you do anything in that condition, you’re mistaken,” Megatron interrupted. “Go to the medibay and repair Laserbeak; repair _yourself_ ,” he added, with a stern look at Soundwave, “And then report to me as soon as possible.”

“ _But—”_

“That is a direct order, Soundwave.”

Soundwave stood still for a moment, as if considering defiance.

But before he could say anything, his exhausted legs gave way from underneath him and he stumbled, staggering forward awkwardly. Laserbeak chittered in a sudden panic as Soundwave teetered, tried to stand back up, lost balance completely, and crashed to the floor at the warlord’s feet in the clumsiest display of motor skills Megatron had ever seen.

And he just lay there, staring up at the ceiling.

Megatron sighed.

Then, he walked over to Soundwave and scooped him up, placing Laserbeak in the CO's arms as he carried them both out of the bridge. He had not seen Soundwave fall in a long time, and he certainly did not want to see that again today.

Soundwave’s arms pushed against him weakly, and his visor made some sort of short, static noise which Megatron took to be some kind of objection.

“You disobey my orders like a child; you get treated like a child,” Megatron said, tightening his grip around the Communications Officer.

Soundwave made no further protest. 

The doors opened, revealing Knock Out bent over a table, intent on repairing a Vehicon. Behind the table were seven more lined up, and Vehicons crammed in between, sitting against each other, leaning wearily against the walls, passed out on the floor. It was truly a chaotic sight, and Knock Out seemed as flustered as could be expected for such a day.

He glanced up as Megatron entered the room.

“My liege, how kind of you to visit,” he said snarkily. “Perhaps you’d like a report?”

Then, he saw Soundwave, and winced visibly.

“Whoa,” he whistled. “What happened to him?”

“Is that trooper repaired?” Megatron asked, nodding at the mech on the table.

“Yes, but he’s still in stasis, and—”

Megatron reached out with one arm, swept the hapless Vehicon off of the medical table, and dumped Soundwave on it.

“Repair him,” he said shortly.

Knock Out tried to protest. “Look, I get that he’s banged up, but I’ve got a million other people to get to—”

“Soundwave is to be your first priority,” Megatron replied curtly, with that particular tone that Knock Out and everybody else knew not to mess with. “I have had enough insubordination for one day. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Lord Megatron,” Knock Out replied, setting to work aligning Soundwave’s limbs. The Vehicon who had been refused further medical care got up and walked away, still staggering from the effects of stasis.

“Got my arms back,” he slurred, swaying a little as he capered out into the hall. “PETE, I GOT MY ARMS BACK!”

“This entire fragging day, holy Primus,” one of the Vehicons muttered in the back, clonking his head back against the wall. “I need a drink, or a hug, or something.”

“You said it, Ricky,” his comrade said, sighing a little.

Megatron had to admit to himself, that was an eloquent way to put it.

“Do a little off-roading today, Soundwave?” the medic asked, running a scanner along Soundwave’s body.

Soundwave lifted a hand to stop him, pushing Laserbeak into a confused Knock Out’s hands.

“You want me to fix Laserbeak first?” Knock Out asked, glancing at Megatron doubtfully. “Wouldn’t you rather—”

Megatron glared at him, and Knock Out immediately got to work.

That settled, Megatron left the medibay, heading for the control room. The next order of business would be to get the ship in the air. Hopefully they could do that before the Autobots arrived. 

What a day.


	8. Flying Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The vehicons have to deal with their own ship turning on them. It is a not-so-good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I am not dead!
> 
> Happy (late) Valentine's Day, sis! 
> 
> Yes, I know it's late. I'm always late. I was late for my own birth. Give me a break.
> 
> I will be posting another chapter soon, but college is a beast and I have very little time to write nowadays.  
> But never fear! As long as there is interest in this story, I will write it. 
> 
> Have a great day, everyone!

**Clicker:** How are the repairs going

 **Pete:** Slowly

 **Jimmy:** How long until the ship can get in the air

 **Ricky:** 3-5 business days

 **Bobby:** Shut up Ricky

 **Axel:** I hate this so muuuuuuch

 **Glitch:** We all hate it

 **Clicker:** This is worse than the time Frank set off a bomb in the storage bay

 **Frank:** You can’t prove I did that.

 **Clicker:** Yes I can. Soundwave has footage

 **Frank:** Frag

 **Joe** is online

 **Steve** is online

 **Joe:** Well, that was a wash

 **Ricky:** You’re back from patrol?

 **Sidelock:** You’re late.

 **Frank:** Throw them over the side!

 **Jimmy:** Where were you?

 **Joe:** We got sidetracked

 **Joe:** Steve is more stupid than I gave him credit for

 **Steve:** How was I supposed to know that was a Walmart truck?! I thought it was an Autobot!

 **Joe:** Optimus Prime is red

 **Steve:** Yeah but if you squint it kinda looked like Prime with a different paint job right?

 **Joe:** It said Walmart in big letters on the trailer

 **Steve:** He could have been pretending!

 **Joe:** To be a WALMART truck??

 **Steve:** Autobots are sneaky

 **Joe:** You stupid

 **Pete:** Frank get down from there

 **Pete:** you’re going to hurt yourself

 **Sidelock:** Frank what are you even doing

**Frank:** Helping.

**Frank:** That oughta do it.

 **Glitch:** Why did you use duct tape

 **Frank:** It works

 **Sidelock:** You haven’t repaired anything before, have you?

 **Frank:** I just did

 **Ricky:** Duct tape is magic

 **Pete:** Did KO repair Soundwave yet?

 **Clicker:** Almost

 **Axel:** What’s taking him so long

 **Clicker:** You do know that SW was zapped with actual lightning, right?

 **Axel:** He was?

 **Clicker:** Lightning can heat the air around it to a temperature 5x the surface heat of the sun

 **Steve:** Oh man

 **Clicker:** Yeah I’m surprised he survived

 **Clicker:** KO says a lot of his wiring is still fried

 **Joe:** How is he still alive

 **Frank:** Soundwave jus built different

 **Bobby:** They don’t make em like that anymore

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** All right I am going to lose my mind pretty soon here.

 **Steve:** Dock Knock be running around this mornin

 **Glitch:** This is bad

 **Bobby:** A lot of dudes died this time

 **Ricky:** Like everybody on the lower floors

 **Jimmy:** Everybody????

 **Glitch:** Well, a couple guys survived but not a lot

 **Ricky:** Copper’s dead

 **Bobby:** So is Bouncer

 **Sidelock:** And our power core is completely destroyed, thanks to the traitor

 **Jimmy:** How did we even get into this level of trouble?

 **Sidelock:** Starscream did it

 **Frank:** Pretty sure it was the traitor

 **Bobby:** Filthy traitor

 **Steve:** I don’t think Commander Starscream did it

 **Ricky:** u wot

 **Steve:** He just wanted to kill Megatron, not hurt us

 **Glitch:** Are you serious right now

 **Steve:** Yes! there’s a lot to be said about his perseverance. He’s actually not so bad.

 **Ricky:** Brainwashed.

 **Bobby:** Definitely brainwashed

 **Steve:** What! I’m NOT brainwashed.

 **Sidelock:** Exactly what a brainwashed person would say

 **Clicker:** Actually this is just in

 **Clicker:** Soundwave just got out of the medibay

 **Knock Out** : Thanks to yours truly

 **Clicker:** And he looked up the security footage

 **Clicker:** Turns out it WASN’T Starscream who wrecked the ship

 **Steve:** HA!

 **Jimmy:** Who was it?

 **Clicker:** It was the big green Autobot

 **Bobby:** Filthy stinking Autobot

 **Steve:** HA

 **Steve:** I told You Commander Starscream wouldn’t do that!

 **Sidelock:** He still killed like five of our guys Steve

 **Steve:** His clones killed them they don’t count

 **Frank:** You’re brainwashed

 **Steve:** I am not!

 **Pete:** How did the Autobot even get in here??

 **Clicker:** Vents, apparently

 **Axel:** I seem to remember pointing out that I heard something in the vents

 **Frank:** Shut up Axel

 **Axel:** :P

 **Pete:** But he’s like the biggest one, how did we not see him

 **Sidelock:** First of all, Soundwave wasn’t here

 **Glitch:** True

 **Glitch:** Without Soundwave we have no braincells

 **Clicker:** I think it was because we don’t have anyone on vent patrol

 **Steve:** Vent Patrol! I call it! I CALL VENT PATROL

 **Jimmy:** Why do you even have vents the size of bots to begin with

 **Ricky:** INTENSE VENTILATION

 **Bobby:** But also pranks

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Steve:** Do you know how much mayhem I could pull off with those vents

 **Pete:** All right, keep Steve away from the vents at all costs

 **Steve:** I want to be the vent security guard!

 **Pete:** You are 100% the most unqualified security guard Steve

 **Steve:** VENT PATROL

 **Sidelock:** You can barely patrol the hallways without getting distracted

 **Ricky:** And you wouldn’t last a day on security

 **Steve:** What would you know about it monitor boi

 **Ricky:** I’m not on monitors I’m fixing the walls with Bobby

 **Bobby:** WHY ARE THE WALLS SO DENTED

 **Clicker:** The ship did just crash Bob

 **Glitch:** I think they’re permanently dented from you two racing around all day

 **Ricky:** Better than flying around like a tinfoil turkey

 **Sidelock:** At least he can fly you dumb groundpounder

 **Bobby:** That’s offensive

 **Sidelock:** Thats the fragging point you dork

 **Bobby:** But … you’re a groundpounder, mate

 **Sidelock:** So?

 **Bobby** : You just offended yourself

 **Sidelock** : You offended my best friend first

 **Clicker:** Both of you shut up

 **Sidelock:** We're trying to hear Megatron talk

 **Jimmy:** What's he saying

 **Clicker:** He says the Autobots will definitely pick up our signal if we hang around too long

 **Ricky:** What does he expect? We can’t work miracles here, this ship is not going to fly anytime soon

 **Pete:** No matter how much duct tape Frank uses

 **Clicker:** All right, folks, the last braincell has officially abandoned ship

 **Pete:** What do you mean??

 **Clicker:** Megatron’s come up with something

 **Steve:** Uh oh

 **Clicker:** He wants to put Dark Energon right into the power core.

 **Glitch:** What

 **Sidelock:** Yeah, I know

 **Clicker:** KO is having an aneurysm

 **Sidelock:** Megatron is a lil crazy this morning

 **Sidelock:** I think his drugs are acting up again

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** He’s stark raving mad!

 **Frank:** He’s a genius!

 **Pete:** The Starscream-part of me says he is most certainly NOT a genius.

 **Knock Out:** Before Megatron goes ahead with this, I would like to take this moment to emphasize the sheer idiocy of this decision

 **Joe:** Is Dark Energon even going to work?

 **Knock Out:** Theoretically, it should get the ship in the air

 **Jimmy:** Wait, what do you mean theoretically

 **Knock Out:** Well theoretically it could also turn this ship into a living zombie

 **Knock Out:** Or theoretically it could blow us all up

 **Knock Out:** Theoretically, we could also kinda die

 **Pete:** What do you mean theoretically??

 **Bobby:** What do you mean KINDA?!?

 **Frank:** It means he don’t know slag

 **Knock Out:** ON WE GO to the power core to mess with the laws of nature!

 **Clicker:** Dreadwing looks uncomfortable

 **Sidelock:** Soundwave looks disgusted

 **Steve:** “I am disgusted, I am revolted, I dedicate my entire life to our lord Megatron and this is the thanks I get?”

 **Knock Out:** We have fallen to unholy depths

 **Axel:** Uh oh Megatron has the science man scared

 **Glitch:** Honestly we’ve been through enough slag today I just want to get this over with

 **Knock Out:** Hang on, I have to try to talk him out of this

 **Knock Out:** It doesn’t look promising, his eyes are glowing purple again

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Bobby:** Even SW doesn’t argue with Megatron when he’s On Drugs

 **Ricky:** Frank, the power core actually looks okay for being exploded less than a day ago

 **Bobby:** Is that duct tape?

 **Frank:** Good ol duct tape

 **Joe:** Uh guys, I may have lost Steve

 **Sidelock:** What

 **Ricky:** How could you lose him? You’re his partner in crime

 **Joe:** Im not his partner in anything, I’m his roommate

 **Bobby:** Even worse

 **Glitch:** There’s a clanking sound in the vents

 **Glitch:** Found him

 **Steve:** HEY. Put that cover back on

 **Glitch:** No

 **Steve:** It’s safe in here!

 **Glitch:** Joe wants you to get out of there

 **Steve:** I WANT TO STAY IN THE VENTS

 **Glitch:** Ok ok sheesh

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** Megatron said we’re going ahead with Operation Stupid

 **Knock Out:** I think he’s obsessed

 **Pete:** With what

 **Knock Out:** Prime of course

 **Clicker:** Killing him, anyway.

 **Knock Out:** He’s all: “Dark Energon will allow me to manipulate the warship, blah blah, I’ll use my power to DESTROY Optimus prime blah blah, look at me I’m so sinister”

 **Pete:** That’s not what he said

 **Clicker:** Pretty much

 **Steve:** We’re not even two minutes into this episode and already stupid things are happening

 **Joe:** Steve what

 **Clicker:** The way I see it, we have no choice but to use the dark energon

 **Glitch:** Why

 **Clicker:** The Autobots still have the Spark Extractor, remember?

 **Axel:** Ohh yeah

 **Bobby:** Slag

 **Glitch:** Yeah

 **Clicker:** If we put Dark Energon into the ship, we might survive

 **Clicker:** But if the Autobots use that thing on us, we definitely die. For good.

 **Bobby:** No more racing

 **Jimmy:** No more movie nights

 **Axel:** No more Energon goodies

 **Glitch:** No more flying

 **Pete:** No more driving

 **Steve:** No more vents

 **Sidelock:** No more pranks…

 **Jimmy:** This is sad

 **Joe:** I mean we could die either way

 **Frank:** I would rather die being stupid with Megatron than have my Spark sucked out by the Auto-brats

 **Bobby:** Hear, hear

 **Ricky:** My sentiments exactly

 **Glitch:** You don’t think Prime would actually use that thing, do you?

 **Bobby:** Good point, he doesn’t seem like that kind of bloke

 **Jimmy:** He did save Greg when that crazy medic tried to burn his face off

 **Ricky:** Yeah, he doesn’t let his team hurt miners

 **Clicker:** But he’s Megatron’s nemesis.

 **Clicker:** He could win the whole war if he kills us all today.

 **Sidelock:** If I was Prime, I would do it

 **Sidelock:** I would want to go home

 **Joe:** Well then, look excited, everyone! We're all going to die

 **Steve:** Does anyone have anything to say before we go?

 **Frank:** I still hate you Pete

 **Pete:** I know you do

 **Jimmy:** I really wanted another movie night…

 **Glitch** : So did I. Those were my favorite thing

 **Steve:** Joe, I’m sorry we never got to bungee jump from the ship like we planned

 **Joe:** I know, breaking my spinal strut would have been so fun

 **Axel:** Knock Out, I’m sorry about that one time I ran over your buffer

 **Knock Out:** You WHAT

 **Knock Out:** Is that why it doesn’t run as well??

 **Axel:** Maybe

 **Knock Out:** I’ll kill you

 **Ricky:** It’s been a good run, mate!

 **Bobby:** Cheers, Rick!

 **Glitch:** Thanks for looking out for me, Sidelock

 **Sidelock:** No problem bro

 **Jimmy:** Good luck up there, guys!

 **Frank:** You think they’ll have Engex in the Afterspark?

 **Pete:** Hopefully not, otherwise your ghost and my ghost are going to have a problem

 **Frank:** Your ghost can’t tell my ghost what to do

 **Knock Out:** All right, here we go

 **Knock Out:** Megatron’s pulling the lever

 **Axel:** I’m scared

 **Frank:** I’m not!

 **Glitch:** Why is the ship shaking

 **Axel:** Oh no oh no

 **Ricky:** The lights are all turning purple

 **Pete:** How much did he put in?!

 **Knock Out:** One cube

 **Pete:** ONE CUBE?

 **Frank:** Holy Frag

 **Clicker:** Stronk drugs

 **Sidelock:** Uh… guys

 **Sidelock:** The screens are all turning red

 **Clicker:** Why are they turning red

 **Clicker:** WHY IS MY SCREEN RED

 **Pete:** I don’t like this

 **Knock Out:** Well Megatron likes it so that’s something

 **Knock Out:** What are the power levels like Clicker?

 **Clicker:** Uhh … 110%

 **Pete:** One hundred and TEN percent?!

 **Glitch:** Oh wow that actually worked

 **Sidelock:** Hey HEY

 **Sidelock:** The ship’s moving

 **Steve:** WE’RE FLYING BOYS

 **Bobby:** IT’S WORKING

 **Ricky:** IT’s WoRKiNg

 **Steve:** We’re goin on a trip

 **Clicker:** In our favorite rocket ship

 **Steve:** Zoomin THROUGH THE SKY

 **Clicker:** LITTLE EINSTEIN

 **Axel:** WOO HOO

 **Sidelock:** WE’RE FLYING BOYS

 **Joe:** Hey, uh, you think the Autobots noticed?

 **Clicker:** Soundwave just picked up a Groundbridge outside

 **Joe:** They noticed

 **Sidelock:** The Autobots are here and they brought the government fleshie with them

 **Knock Out:** Aww they also brought the Prime's little pet

 **Pete:** Steve get out of the vents we might need to fight

 **Steve:** Fine Mom

 **Knock Out:** Megatron’s giving the “Optimus! You never disappoint” speech

 **Clicker:** Classic line

 **Pete:** What are we going to do

 **Frank:** What do you think?!

 **Frank:** The weapons systems are back online, we’re going to SLAG THEM

 **Frank:** YYEEEEEEAAAH

 **Frank:** EAT LASERS AUTODORKS

 **Joe:** Hit them

 **Joe:** Hit them you guys

 **Steve:** I’m trying

 **Frank:** They’re just running

 **Frank:** Get the big one

 **Joe:** Where’s the fleshie

 **Frank:** SHOOT THE BLUE ONE

 **Steve:** WHERE?!

 **Joe:** She’s too fast

 **Frank:** THEN HIT THE PRIME FOR FRAG’S SAKE

 **Frank:** Wait the yellow one’s driving off

 **Pete:** Get him!

 **Pete:** OH PRIMUS HE HAS THE SPARK EXTRACTOR

 **Pete:** THE YELLOW ONE HAS THE EXTRACTOR

 **Joe:** Get him!

 **Steve:** GET HIM

 **Frank:** i’m TRYING

 **Steve:** JUST GET HIM

 **Frank:** STOP SAYING THAT

 **Pete:** WHY CAN’T YOU SHOOT STRAIGHT

 **Joe:** Uh, why do the computers say Stasis Beam Locked?

 **Steve:** We have a stasis beam??

 **Joe:** Yellow one’s down

 **Pete:** Oh good job Frank!

 **Frank:** Uh it wasn’t me

 **Joe:** Then who shot the yellow one?

 **Clicker:** I think the ship did it??

 **Steve:** WHAT?

 **Joe:** It shot him with a stasis beam?

 **Pete:** The blue one’s got the extractor

 **Joe:** Shoot her!

 **Frank:** I didn’t get the chance

 **Frank:** She’s down

 **Frank:** Stasis beam again

 **Steve:** Ok what’s going on here?

 **Joe:** None of us are doing this

 **Frank:** Is it the ship??

 **Pete:** The fact that the ship has better aim than all of us is really discouraging.

 **Frank:** Clicker, ask our fearless leader what the frag is going on

 **Clicker:** Megatron looks confused

 **Pete:** Wait, this isn’t him??

 **Pete:** Isn’t he controlling the ship

 **Clicker:** …Yes?

 **Pete:** Why is that a question.

 **Clicker:** I don’t think he did that. We weren’t equipped with a stasis beam ten minutes ago

 **Joe:** The green one’s down

 **Frank:** YEAH TAKE THAT YOU SHIP-CRASHER

 **Joe:** Only the prime left

 **Steve:** He done dodged the beam

 **Joe:** That would be impressive if he wasn’t the bad guy

 **Frank:** For frags sake just die already Prime

 **Pete:** He’s jumping

 **Steve:** He’s gonna throw the extractor!

 **Joe:** SHOOT HIM

 **Pete:** SHOOT HIM

 **Steve:** Oh the ship got him

 **Frank:** Dang it I wanted to snuff the Prime

 **Pete:** Better luck next time Frank

 **Steve:** We’re gonna go get the Spark extractor, right?

 **Steve:** Lock up some prisoners

 **Steve:** Maybe let Frank torture them?

 **Frank:** Ooh I’d like that

 **Joe:** What’s happening

 **Steve:** Why are we heading away from the battle

 **Clicker:** I don’t know

 **Frank:** What do you mean you don’t know? you’re one of the fragging pilots

 **Clicker:** Like I just told Lord Megatron, the ship seems to be navigating itself

 **Pete:** How is that possible

 **Joe:** Can’t you stop it?

 **Clicker:** I’m trying, ok? I don’t know what’s going on

 **Clicker:** KLHKGJKHFD

 **Clicker** is offline

 **Frank:** What the frag

 **Steve:** Clicker?!

 **Sidelock:** Uh the computer just zapped Clicker

 **Pete:** Oh primus

 **Steve:** Is he dead

 **Steve:** Sidelock is he dead??

 **Sidelock:** No?

 **Pete:** Why is there a question mark

 **Sidelock:** I think he’s in stasis? But holy frag this guy just DROPPED

 **Knock Out:** Okay Megatron is now yelling at his own warship

 **Frank:** Why did Clicker get zapped??

 **Knock Out:** Bc he tried to override the ship’s course

 **Joe:** Sidelock you try

 **Sidelock:** No way I ain’t touching this thing anymore

 **Steve:** OH SLAG THE SHIP IS TALKING

 **Joe:** THE SHIP IS TALKING

 **Sidelock:** NUH-UH NOPE

 **Sidelock:** THAT AIN’T RIGHT

 **Frank:** WHY IS THE SHIP TALKING

 **Steve:** KNOCK OUT??

 **Pete:** KNOCK OUT!

Knock Out had absolutely no idea what was going on. Neither did Megatron, apparently.

“My own vessel dares to address me in threatening tones?!” Megatron roared, staring up at the ceiling as the ship’s computers flared red.

Silently, Soundwave pointed to the nearest monitor, which had a glowing set of coordinates highlighted on the screen.

Knock Out walked over to investigate.

“It also seems to be doing a better job of decoding the Project Iacon database than we were,” he mused, pointing to the screen. “It’s already deciphered a new set of coordinates.”

Soundwave already had the location pulled up on his visor. It was located in the northeastern sector of what the humans liked to call the United States. Dreadwing peered at the location for a moment.

“And judging by our current course, that is precisely where the ship is headed,” he said to Megatron.

“As I desire,” Megatron said, turning his back to them. Knock Out thought he sounded a little agitated. “You see? This warship is nothing more than an extension of my very will.”

For some reason, Knock Out doubted that very much.

“YOUR WILL IS NOTHING,” the ship boomed, making Knock Out flinch. “THE IACON ARTIFACTS WILL BELONG TO ME.”

Now Megatron was angry. Everyone in the room could tell he was no longer in control, and Knock Out feared the warlord might have met his match with this new opponent. Even now, the medic wasn’t entirely sure there was a way out of this.

Oh well. He had warned them. At least he would die knowing he was right. He’d be sure to tell Breakdown all about this when he saw him again.

What a stupid way to die.

“I am Lord Megatron,” Megatron growled. “I command you to cease operations!”

“YOU ARE NO LONGER IN COMMAND,” the ship answered.

Knock Out stared in horror as a sudden shrieking beam of energy bore down on his leader from the flaring ceiling, making Megatron clutch his head in pain and fall to his knees.

The awful noise of the interference rolled through the bridge. Quickly, Knock Out rushed to Megatron’s side, ready to tend to the warlord as Dreadwing and Soundwave started forward, but the medic knew there was really nothing they could do anymore. Megatron was too far gone, and the ship was too powerful at this point.

The sound and light faded, and Megatron rose a little, his voice deadly quiet.

“Regain control of this vessel, by any means necessary.”

Immediately, Soundwave turned and launched his tentacles at the nearest computer monitor, latching on to the console and beginning override protocols. There was a sense of urgency about the Communications Officer that terrified the medic. 

_If even Soundwave is worried_ , Knock Out thought to himself, _What does that mean for us?_

He didn’t have long to think about it. As soon as the tentacles clamped on to the side of the monitor, crackling lines of blue electricity raced up Soundwave’s feelers and shot into his body. He spasmed and jerked for an instant, stiffening pain written all over his body, and then it was over. The second-most-powerful Decepticon aboard slumped forward, drained of consciousness, his feelers still holding the monitor in a death grip.

 _Oh, frag,_ Knock Out thought.

Apparently, Megatron thought the same thing. He had been angry before, but Knock Out knew at this point Megatron would be mad enough to take on Unicron himself.

Not that he hadn’t done that before.

“All hands,” Megatron ordered loudly, “Cut power to the mainframe, and disconnect data relays, _now_!”

Vehicons scrambled to do as he had commanded. Sidelock, along with three others, charged out of the bridge behind Dreadwing, dead-set on pulling every plug they could find.

Soundwave stood in the middle of the bridge, silent as stone.

**Knock Out:** Did you hear Megatron’s orders?

 **Steve:** Loud and clear

 **Jimmy:** What happened up there??

 **Sidelock:** The ship just shut down Soundwave

 **Jimmy:** The SHIP?

 **Sidelock:** Yeah apparently it knows how to do that

 **Jimmy:** You gave

 **Jimmy:** The ship

 **Jimmy:** SENTIENCE?

 **Ricky:** Uh, Soundwave was our last remaining braincell

 **Pete:** I don’t understand. Soundwave can record, decode, or process any amount of information in a matter of moments. He doesn’t just shut down

 **Sidelock:** Well, today he did.

 **Jimmy:** I feel so bad this is literally the third time in a row Soundwave has been electrocuted

 **Knock Out:** How do you think I feel? Assuming I survive this, I have to fix him again!

 **Glitch:** Guys 

**Glitch:** if this thing offed Soundwave

 **Glitch:** how do we stand a FRAGGING CHANCE??

 **Bobby:** I don’t know but imma keep fixing this wall

 **Ricky:** Walls are important

 **Bobby:** Yes

 **Frank:** More alarms are going off

 **Axel:** Do you think we’re in trouble?

 **Joe:** That is distinctly possible.

 **Sidelock:** Don’t worry guys. Me and the boys are gonna go find the data relays and bust ‘em

 **Glitch:** Be careful Sidelock

 **Sidelock:** We’ll be fine! The ship can’t do anything while we’re in the halls

 **Sidelock:** Oh SLAGGING Primus what the FRAG is that WHAT IS THAT THING IT SHOOTS LASERS HOLY SLAG

 **Sidelock:** OH SCRAP OH PRIMUS IT’S IN THE HALL

 **Sidelock:** IT’S IN THE FRAGGING HALL

 **Sidelock:** ITS CHASING US OH SLAG OH XALSGYUTRRTFYHBJNKMCX

 **Sidelock** is offline

 **Glitch:** Sidelock?

 **Glitch:** SIDELOCK!

 **Joe:** We lost sidelock

 **Glitch:** NO

 **Steve:** Its ok glitch he’s probably just in stasis

 **Glitch:** NO!

 **Glitch:** SIDELOCK

 **Axel:** Why are the Insecticons screaming??!

 **Pete:** IT GOT THE INSECTICONS TOO?

 **Bobby:** uh Ricky?

 **Ricky:** Huh

 **Bobby:** What’s that noise?

 **Ricky:** LKKJHAFKGDJHREG

 **Bobby:** lknlmbmhvgHTY-,.

 **Ricky** is offline

 **Bobby** is offline

 **Axel:** This is bad this is bad we’re all gonna die

 **Joe:** We are severely fragged

 **Frank:** There are still alarms going off

 **Steve:** Some weird poltergeist slag going on

 **Joe:** SCRAP IT CLOSED THE DOOR

 **Joe:** IT CLOSED THE FRAGGING DOOR

 **Joe:** OHNOOHNO

 **Joe:** I’M STUCK IN THE ENGINE ROROOMS HLELP

 **Joe** is offline

 **Steve:** JOE

 **Steve:** OH FRAlkljjkdskjhjgc

 **Steve** is offline

 **Axel:** I don’t want to die

 **Axel** is offline

**Pete:** It’s coming toward me

 **Pete:** WHY IS IT COMING TOWARD ME?

 **Pete:** FRANK

 **Pete:** KJHGFRTYUUIREREW

 **Pete** is offline

 **Frank:** Pete are you ok?

 **Frank:** Pete?

 **Frank** is offline

 **Glitch:** Guys

 **Glitch:** Is anyone still out there?

 **Glitch:** GUYS!

 **Glitch:** Knock Out?

 **Glitch:** Dreadwing?

 **Glitch:** Lord Megatron??  


 **Glitch** : OH NO

 **Everyone** is offline

**_A little while later..._**

**_After several things happened..._ **

**_Which can only be understood by watching the actual episode_ ** **_…_ **

**Steve** is online

 **Steve:** Ugggghh

 **Frank** is online

 **Frank:** What in the slag

 **Axel** is online

 **Joe** is online

 **Ricky** is online

 **Bobby** is online

 **Axel:** AUUGH NOOO

 **Axel:** oh wait I’m okay

 **Joe:** What the frag happened

 **Steve:** Hol up is that a fleshie?

 **Steve:** I think I saw a fleshie

 **Axel:** I saw three

 **Ricky:** They’re coming your way Bobby

 **Frank:** Somebody stop them!

 **Ricky:** Squish em!

 **Bobby:** I can barely walk mate

 **Ricky:** Its too late they’re gone

 **Sidelock** is online

 **Sidelock:** What happened?

 **Steve:** I don’t know

 **Axel:** I was running and now I’m lying on the ground

 **Steve:** My head hurts

 **Axel:** Did someone knock me over?

 **Joe:** Buddy if you think that’s my main concern…

 **Sidelock:** Is everyone still alive

 **Bobby:** I think so?

 **Ricky:** My headddd

 **Joe:** Someone check on Clicker

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** Oh thank PRIMUS you guys are okay!

 **Jimmy:** What happened??

 **Sidelock:** Uhm … I think the ship put us in stasis lock

 **Steve:** It was so fragging creepy

 **Ricky:** There were these laser grids sweeping the halls

 **Bobby:** And if you got hit — lights out

 **Steve:** How did we get back?

 **Frank:** Did Megatron get the Dark Energon out or something?

 **Sidelock:** We can check the security cameras I guess

 **Sidelock:** Oh frag

 **Sidelock:** Glitch

 **Sidelock:** Where’s Glitch?

 **Ricky:** I think he was in the main hallway?

 **Ricky:** I don’t know, everything’s so blurry

 **Sidelock** is offline

**Pete** is online

 **Frank:** Pete are you ok?

 **Pete:** Yeah.

 **Frank:** You sure?

 **Pete:** Yeah.

 **Steve:** I’m in the bridge. Clicker’s waking up

 **Steve:** Soundwave’s still out

 **Joe:** I think this time it was too much for him

 **Pete:** Someone get Knock Out

 **Pete:** Where is he anyway?

 **Joe:** Megatron’s yelling at him for letting the fleshies get away

 **Jimmy:** They got away?

 **Joe:** Yeah

 **Joe:** With four Iacon coordinates, too

 **Frank:** We are the biggest idiots in the galaxy

 **Joe:** Yep

 **Jimmy:** How did they even get on board

 **Steve:** The ship was too stupid to cloak itself

 **Steve:** Prolly too stupid to scan for organics

 **Frank:** Even Axel would have scanned for organics

 **Axel:** Yeah

 **Steve:** I Think If I Had Stayed In The Vents This Wouldn’t Have Happened

 **Frank:** Bullslag. It would have killed you as soon as you showed your face

 **Steve:** Better than waking up with a headache the size of Luna Two

 **Sidelock** is online

 **Sidelock:** Guys, Glitch isn’t coming to

 **Pete:** Take him to the medibay he’ll be fine

 **Sidelock:** I can’t find Knock Out

 **Joe:** He’s by the comms room

 **Sidelock** is offline

 **Joe:** Megatron’s still yelling at him

 **Steve:** Haha whats he saying?

 **Joe:** “You might be able to reinstate your usefulness by repairing Soundwave, if you can muster up the bare adequacy needed for such a task!”

 **Ricky:** Oh really? I thought he was swearing

 **Joe:** He is, I just censored it for Jimmy

 **Steve:** HAHA

 **Steve:** “YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO REINSTATE YOUR %$#@ING USEFULNESS”

 **Bobby:** “IF YOU CAN MUSTER UP THE BARE &*#$%@!# ADEQUACY NEEDED FOR SUCH A !@$%#^@ TASK”

 **Pete:** Megatron doesn’t swear that much

 **Joe:** Well today he’s on drugs and just had to deal with Soundwave having a stroke twice in a row

 **Ricky:** Not to mention the ship becoming a sentient being

 **Axel:** Y’all think that was Trypticon?

 **Joe:** No

 **Pete:** That’s a myth

 **Steve:** I think it was him

 **Joe:** Trypticon’s never talked

 **Steve:** Trypticon’s never been on drugs before

 **Frank:** True

 **Bobby:** Best not to find out

 **Steve:** Well now we know what happens when you put death zombie blood into the party wagon

 **Pete:** This is not a party wagon

 **Ricky:** Well, it is in the air

 **Jimmy:** You’d better get the cloaking fields back up

 **Jimmy:** You guys tend to stand out

 **Steve:** We are outstanding

 **Clicker:** Guys I had the weirdest dream

 **Joe:** It was real

 **Clicker:** That was freaking REAL?!

 **Ricky:** Yes. We all got zapped by the warship

 **Clicker:** HOW

 **Frank:** Drugs

 **Clicker:** Ah 

**Sidelock** is online

 **Sidelock:** Where’s KNOCK OUT

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** I’m here, keep your hubcaps on.

 **Sidelock:** Glitch needs your help!

 **Knock Out:** In case you haven’t noticed, my life is forfeit unless I can repair Soundwave for the fiftieth time

 **Knock Out:** So I’m a little busy

 **Sidelock:** But Glitch isn’t waking up

 **Sidelock:** I really truly don’t know if he’s dead or not and I’m freaking out.

 **Knock Out:** Fine. Bring him up here.

 **Sidelock** is offline

 **Knock Out** : Anyone else who’s injured get your aft to the medibay before I run out of patience

 **Bobby:** Its ok Doc, just take it slow and do one thing at a time

 **Knock Out:** It’s Knock Out

 **Knock Out:** And don’t you dare talk to me about doing one thing at a time. I have to do several things at once. You should look up to me as a role model

 **Frank:** No one looks up to you

 **Jimmy:** I do sir!

 **Knock Out:** Thank you Jimmy

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Pete:** Uh, does anyone know where we are

 **Joe:** In deep scrap

 **Pete:** No the warship

 **Ricky:** Oh we don’t know

 **Bobby:** Thats not our job

 **Clicker:** Monitors say we’re above New York

 **Frank:** You have got to be kidding me

 **Pete:** Have we been detected by the humans yet?

 **Clicker:** No, we’re above their radar

 **Frank:** This fragging day

 **Axel:** If only there was a way to keep bad things from happening

 **Joe:** There is. It’s called common sense and we don’t have any

 **Jimmy:** True, that

 **Clicker** : Uh ... Megatron wants to know why his aft hurts?

 **Steve:** AHAHAHA

 **Bobby:** Wasn't me

 **Frank:** It sure as SLAG wasn't me

 **Pete:** Yeah, none of us are going to admit to slapping Megatron in the aft

 **Axel:** AHAHAHA IM DYINGGG

 **Joe:** We must never speak about this again

 **Steve:** HA! You wish 

**Clicker:** I'm definitely adding that to the logs

 **Jimmy:** What were you saying about common sense, Joe? 

**Joe:** Shut up Jimmy. 

Soundwave started awake, and Knock Out leaned back in order to avoid being clocked by the CO’s arm.

“Easy Soundwave, don’t throw your wings out of alignment,” the medic said to his struggling patient. “You’re all right. This is the medibay; you've woken up from a forced stasis.”

Soundwave lashed out at him again, trying to rise from the table. Knock Out watched him try.

“You’re about as coordinated as a drunk sparkling, Soundwave,” he snarked. “Your joints are seizing up from sudden trauma and your head probably feels like Starscream is rattling around in it. I wouldn’t get up if I were you.”

A barrage of fragmented recordings shot out of Soundwave’s visor.

_“Where — where — what happened — Megatron? — Laserbeak — dead? — where? — WHERE?”_

“Laserbeak is fine,” Knock Out said, gesturing to the Minicon on a nearby table. “He’s still coming out of stasis. Megatron is also fine — apart from being on drugs,” he muttered to himself.

Soundwave didn’t believe him. He had to see for himself. He pushed against the table and staggered to his feet, aiming for the door.

The medic grabbed Soundwave by the wing-arm and pulled him back to the table. As a doctor, Knock Out knew exactly where the sensitive points lay on a flyer. Soundwave was no exception; although usually Knock Out feared him enough to never use his wings as leverage.

However, today Megatron had told him on no uncertain terms that Soundwave needed care, and not to let him out of the medibay under any circumstances. At this point, it was either death by Megatron or death by Soundwave, and Knock Out much preferred the latter.

“Don’t make me restrain you,” he warned, pushing Soundwave back onto the table. “Honestly, even Axel is better behaved.”

Stubbornly, Soundwave refused to be pushed down any further, bracing his long arms behind himself. The CO showed no hint of facial expression, but Knock Out could _feel_ his glare. It was intensely cold, and for a second, Knock Out sensibly feared for his life.

Luckily, the Communications Officer was still so disoriented by stasis lock that he hardly had the wherewithal to fight back. But he was a gladiator, and Knock Out knew his chances would be slim once Soundwave had recovered.

“Look, don’t take any of this out on me,” he said, running a scanner over the CO’s slim frame. “Do us both a favor and keep still. Megatron’s going to annihilate me if he sees you wandering around like a drunken idiot.”

Static sputtered out of Soundwave’s visor. He looked down at the scanner as though in a daze.

_“Megatron — shock — where? — where?”_

“I told you, he’s fine,” Knock Out sighed. “He’s probably yelling at someone; you know how he is. Now please, hold still. Your wiring’s frayed to the point where you shouldn’t be able to move your joints at all. If you would stop electrocuting yourself every five minutes, you might get somewhere,” he muttered, pulling out some tools. “But I guess you gladiators are suckers for pain.”

He pulled out a fingerlight and peered between some of the panels in Soundwave's chest. 

"This is the worst state I've ever seen you in," he said. "Your circuits are looking worse than an Autobot's."

Soundwave twitched as Knock Out pulled some of his plates aside and prodded at one of the frayed wires underneath. The medic's sharp fingers dug a little deeper into the circuitry. "Why is it so torqued under here -- you're one of the most tightly-wound bots I've ever worked on." 

He twinged a particularly painful node, and Soundwave's arm lashed out in retaliation. Fortunately, Knock Out jumped away before he could get slammed. 

"All right, I'm getting really tired of this," he said. "I know it hurts, and I know you're ticked off, but I'm trying to help you, all right? We're on the same team."

Soundwave stared at him sullenly, and made no response. With a sigh, Knock Out went back to the cabling, arranging the wires with meticulous care. Soundwave shuddered every so often, but made no sound. Typical.

At least this time, he wasn't trying to kill him.

The doors slid open, and Sidelock hobbled in, lugging Glitch beside him.

“Help!” he shouted.

“Nice to see you, too,” Knock Out sighed, walking over and pulling out his scanner again. “What happened to him?"

“He got hit with a stasis beam like everyone else,” Sidelock explained. “But he isn’t waking up. Is he gonna die?”

“He’s not going to die,” Knock Out said, rolling his eyes. “He just needs a power-down and he’ll be fine.”

“Really?”

“He’s oversurged on energy for some reason, but rest is the best thing for that.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m a doctor, of course I’m sure,” Knock Out snapped. “Now leave, before I cause some real injuries.”

“Okay, okay. Thanks. Thank you, sir!” Sidelock said, pulling Glitch out the doors again.

“All this camaraderie,” Knock Out said under his breath. “You’d think the Decepticon army wouldn’t be a bunch of softies, but here we are, tripping all over our weeping Sparks. Isn’t that right, Soundwave?”

_“Laserbeak. Want.”_

“Mm-hm.”


	9. Steve Answers your Questions

**Steve** : Welcome everybody, to Q&A with Steve!

**Steve** : I’ve been begging the stupid author to let me do this for a long time, but Swingaway was all “Durr duurr no we don’t have enough questions, Steve, leave me alone I have to do my fragging homework guuh guuh”

**Steve** : You know, the USUAL lame excuses for not writing crack. Shirking your crack-writing responsibilities. Disgraceful.

**Steve** : But! NOW we have enough questions! Also Swingaway just took a big exam or something and is now basically brain-dead, so I’m taking advantage of it XD

**Joe** is online

**Joe** : Steve what’s going on? Commander Dreadwing is wondering where you are

**Steve** : I asked Soundwave if I could go on break for a few minutes

**Joe** : Did he say yes?

**Steve** : I mean, he didn’t say no

**Steve** : He didn’t say anything, really

**Joe** : You should get back to work

**Steve** : You can’t tell me what to do!

**Steve** : In fact, since you interrupted, you’re drafted!

**Joe** : Drafted for what?

**Steve** : Q&A with Steve! Where your friendly neighborhood Vehicons answer your questions!

**Joe** : I’m leaving

**Steve** : NO

**Joe** : One reason, fast

**Steve** : Would you rather be bored at work or be stupid with me?

**Joe** : Good point, I’m in.

**Steve** : YES

**Joe** : Who’s questions are we answering?

**Steve** : The fans’ questions, of course!

**Joe** : Ah, yes, the fake people in your head.

**Steve** : They ARE NOT fake, for the last fragging time

**Joe** : That’s what all people with schizophrenia say

**Steve** : Let’s just get this thing started

WrittenInCinnamon **: Hey, Steve, would you prank Starscream if you could? And if so, I dare you to do so when he gets back to the Nemesis >:)**

**Joe** : I don’t know what kind of name WrittenInCinnamon is, but pranking Starscream isn’t a bad idea.

**Steve** : I wouldn’t want to. It would be hilarious, but Commander Starscream has a hard enough time of it already.

**Joe** : But he kinda deserves it tho

**Joe** : Besides, it IS a dare…

**Steve** : You’re right. I vote he gets the Mustache Prank

**Joe** : I heartily agree

**Steve** : Well, it’s an official dare, so I guess now we have to do it

**Joe** : we’re going to die in horrible ways

**Steve** : Horribly fun ways!

LigaibaSiYseehc **: Yo Steve, I have three words for you: Prank. Optimus. Prime.**

**Here's my question: How do you tell each other apart, anyway? Y'all look exactly the same to me**

**Steve** : Prank oPtIMuS PriME?

**Steve** : YES

**Joe** : You would die

**Steve** : We’re already pranking Starscream, what’s the difference?

**Joe** : Pranking Starscream is one thing, pranking the leader of the enemy team is another.

**Steve** : But it would be fun! The Autobots are SO gullible!

**Joe** : Be that as it may, as your roommate, I have to adopt some sense of self-preservation for you if you won’t do it yourself.

**Steve** : We could get him with the Sticky Tires. OR we could do the tripwire! Could we please do the tripwire?

**Joe** : You want to trip him. That’s all you could come up with?

**Steve** : We could shoot him in the back and become war heroes!

**Joe** : that’s not a prank

**Joe** : Besides, all these pranks involve finding the location of the Autobot base, and in the unlikely event that we do, pranks won’t be high on the to-do list

**Steve** : We could seran-wrap him

**Joe** : What?

**Steve** : Seran-wrap his entire body when he’s in vehicle mode! It would be so funny!

**Joe** : Yeah, sure. Seran-wrap Optimus Prime. Totally feasible plan, Steve.

**Steve** : I like these questions! What’s the next one?

**Joe** : This … human? person? … also wants to know how we tell each other apart.

**Steve** : Oh my bad

**Steve** : Well, LigaibaSiYseehc, we all have different ways of ID-ing each other. Soundwave says he can tell us apart by voices.

**Joe** : And I know from experience that he has memorized our individual paint scuffs, walking pace, gestures, and television interests

**Joe** : He even knows the difference between each of our voices

**Steve** : Which is absolutely insane

**Joe** : He literally knows more about us than we do

**Steve** : Meanwhile Knock Out just calls everybody “Drone-boy” or “stupor-trooper.”

**Joe** : Very cute nicknames to be saddled with

**Steve** : But what all of us Vehicons have in common is a nifty little thing called an HUD

**Joe** : Heads-Up Display

**Steve** : Thank you, sidekick

**Joe** : Yup

**Steve** : Gamers know what that is. An HUD is a display inside our visors that gives us a notification whenever someone on our team is talking to us. It shows us their basic specs and their serial number.

**Joe** : We remember the nicknames ourselves.

**Steve** : Right. For example, Clicker shows up in my HUD as CS-905, and Jimmy is UX-561.

**Joe** : Jimmy’s part of the UX batch? He’s actually pretty young.

**Steve** : Small child

**Joe** : We must protect the small child

**Steve** : Yes, if something happens to Jimmy I will kill everyone on this warship and then myself

**Joe** : I’ll help

SuperFandoms **: Steve? You're amazing, please keep the pranks coming. Remember, you lot got 'wave to panic. You can do anything.**

**Oh, and Steve? There's a multiverse, and you're nearly unique, depending on who's being asked. Your friends, the other Vehicons, are truly unique. Does it make you feel better, to know that there's more of you out there, or would you prefer to be the only one of you?**

**Steve** : I’m amazing?? Aww, I’m flattered. ^U^

**Joe** : Don’t be, I think they’re joking

**Steve** : They’re not joking

**Joe** : They said you were amazing, which is obviously a joke.

**Steve** : They’re leaving a nice comment

**Joe** : Suspicious

**Steve** : I am officially AMAZING

**Joe** : What the frag is a multiverse anyway?

**Steve** : You wouldn’t understand.

**Joe** : Wouldn’t understand what?

**Steve** : Joke’s on you now.

**Joe** : What?

**Steve** : NEVERMIND. To answer your question, SuperFandoms — Does it make me feel better that there are other Vehicons, perhaps other Steveses, out there? Absolutely. I hope other me is doing okay. But I am really glad to live on a warship full of these unique idiots, even if I’m the only Steve aboard. Part of having good friends is having to live with people who are completely different from you. Like Joe. He’s kind of a grumpy fragger.

**Joe** : I am the sad.

**Steve** : Meanwhile, I’m _absolutely_ chirpy all of the time —

**Joe** : Drives me up the wall

**Steve** : But both of us have gotten used to each other because we were forced to share a barracks and I saved his life one time and so now we’re best friends

**Joe** : Yep.

**Steve** : Then he saved my life and immediately regretted it

**Joe** : You tried to sing me a very loud song as a thank-you and I was not about that

**Steve** : Admit it. You wish you were as chaotic as me :)

**Joe** : I definitely do not.

**Steve** : But yeah, SuperFandoms, I would never want to be the only one of me. Surviving long enough to be the Last Vehicon isn’t really an ambition of mine

**Joe** : Surviving long enough to wake up tomorrow isn’t really an ambition of mine

**Steve** : Yes it is. I’m your roommate and I say we’re getting up tomorrow

**Joe** : What if I died instead

**Steve** : Don’t try it. I will make Knock Out drag you back to life by your wheels

**Joe** : Ok

Cao_the_dreamer **: I wonder if Steve would classify the members of the ship as which Disney princess they are**

**Steve** : OH

**Steve** : YES

**Steve** : THANK YOU

**Joe** : Oh no. Why did you ask this question?

**Steve** : YEEESSSSSS

**Joe** : This was a huge mistake. I have to get out of here

**Steve** : NO WAY

**Steve** : YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME NOW

**Joe** : Frag

**Steve** : Okay, I got it! Starting from the bottom of the ol’ hierarchy list, Jimmy is Princess Anna

**Joe** : why.

**Steve** : Because he’s innocent and cute and has a great character arc

**Joe** : A what

**Steve** : And he’s kind of socially awkward but that’s because he digs holes all day

**Steve** : Actually, now that I think about it, Jimmy reminds me more of Wall-E.

**Joe** : Agreed, but Wall-E’s not a Disney princess

**Steve** : He deserves to be.

**Joe** : Fine, Jimmy is Wall-E.

**Steve** : Next on the list we have Ricky and Bobby

**Joe** : Both of them?

**Steve** : yep. Package deal. They’re basically twins

**Joe** : All drivers are basically twins, including us

**Steve** : Ricky and Bobby are both like Vanellope Von Schweetz

**Joe** : Is she a princess

**Steve** : She is literally a princess

**Steve** : And she’s snarky and kind of rude and she likes racing

**Joe** : That’s them.

**Steve** : Cept the twins sound British and I’m pretty sure Vanellope does not

**Joe** : Who’s next

**Steve** : Us two

**Joe** : Wow we aren’t ranked very high

**Steve** : Nope! That’s part of our charm

**Joe** : Fine, who are we?

**Steve** : Well, you’re a serious-minded ADULT with priorities and grumpiness and all that, not to mention you’re the king of the sass-factory

**Steve** : So you’re Megara from Hercules

**Joe** : That’s not a princess, Wonder-boy.

**Steve** : Don’t care. You fit her to a T. And I’m Elsa!

**Joe** : You’re nothing like Elsa. She’s more depressed than I am

**Steve** : Yes but I know all the songs

**Joe** : I think you’re more like Ariel

**Steve** : Why??

**Joe** : You like the humans so much I wouldn’t be surprised if you sold your soul to be one of them

**Steve** : I don’t like humans! I helped you chase down one of them in the beginning of the season, remember?

**Joe** : Season?

**Steve** : When we first saw that scrawny black-haired kid riding on The Motorcycle Brat

**Joe** : Back when Starscream was still in charge?

**Steve:** Yep!

**Joe** : Oh, yeah, and we got our butts handed to us

**Steve** : Yes.

**Joe** : Just because you chase one human on an Autobot changes nothing. You love the humans.

**Steve** : No I don’t

**Joe** : You literally threw a Halloween party in their honor.

**Steve** : No I didn’t!

**Joe** : You watch human TV and cry when the dog dies.

**Steve** : I actually DO and I am not ashamed of that! Good point, sidekick! You’re pretty smart for a sad man.

**Joe** : I try.

**Steve** : Next in line is Glitch

**Joe** : And his panicky buddy.

**Steve** : Yeah, they’re together pretty much all the time

**Joe** : Another package deal

**Steve** : I don’t think Glitch reminds me of any princess. He kind of reminds me of Milo from Atlantis

**Joe** : Yeah, I don’t know why, but he seems kind of different from the rest of us.

**Steve** : Kinda shy

**Joe** : And Glitch likes reading

**Steve** : Milo it is

**Joe** : Sidelock literally panics when something happens to Glitch, but otherwise he’s a pretty chill guy

**Steve** : He’d make a good Flynn Rider, maybe

**Joe** : we aren’t doing princesses anymore?

**Steve** : Well, I’m not going to call him Anna. He doesn’t really fit the description

**Joe** : In conclusion, we don’t know about Sidelock.

**Steve** : Sure!

**Joe** : The next one is Axel

**Steve** : Oh, he’s Dopey the Dwarf

**Joe** : He’s not that dumb

**Steve** : idk he’s pretty dumb … OH WAIT WAIT you know that one guy from the Emperor’s New Groove?

**Joe** : …Kronk?

**Steve** : K R O N K

**Steve** : Axel is Kronk

**Joe** : Steve, I hate to break it to you, but there aren’t very many Disney Princesses in this Disney Princess list.

**Steve** : Oh, hush, it’s all about having fun.

**Joe** : Fun?

**Steve** : Next is Clicker.

**Joe** : I can’t believe I’m doing this.

**Steve** : Uhm… Clicker reminds me of Mushu kinda … Like, if Mushu and the Genie from Aladdin were one person.

**Steve** : OH WAIT

**Steve** : Captain Jack Sparrow!

**Joe** : He’s definitely not a princess

**Steve** : He is a FABULOUS princess

**Joe** : I don’t think you understand what a princess is.

**Steve** : A princess is more than a pretty dress and fancy songs! A good princess has a pirate ship and a keen sense of humor, like Clicker

**Joe** : I’m not convinced.

**Steve** : Fine, he’s Sleeping Beauty.

**Joe** : Where did that come from?

**Steve** : Sometimes he gets sleepy.

**Joe** : Steve, he has insomnia.

**Steve** : So?

**Joe** : … Jack Sparrow it is.

**Steve** : Captain.

**Joe** : What?

**Steve** : It’s CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Everyone knows this, Joe, come on.

**Joe** : Whatever. Next is Pete

**Steve** : Oh he’s Wendy from the Peter Pan movie

**Joe** : Again — Not a princess.

**Steve** : Then he’s like Snow White because he cleans up after children all day

**Joe** : Actually true

**Steve** : Who’s next?

**Joe** : Frank

**Joe** : Frank’s a princess?

**Steve** : I would say not

**Joe** : He’s more like Stitch the little blue alien

**Steve** : Haha yeah!

**Steve** : WAIT

 **Steve** : You know that one horse from Tangled that has no chill?

**Joe** : Maximus?

**Steve** : Y E S

**Steve** :

**Joe** : Yeah, that fits, but I think he’s more like Stitch

**Joe** : 

**Joe** : That’s literally Frank.

**Steve** : Why you gotta disagree with me like that

**Joe** : It’s my job as your partner.

**Steve** : Whatever, who’s next?

**Joe** : Cherry Bomb

**Steve** : AHHH THE DOKTOR!

**Joe** : Knock Out himself

**Steve** : I would say KO is Vanellope because he’s so short, but that name’s been taken

**Steve** : I think Rapunzel would be a good fit

**Joe** : Why?

**Steve** : 1. German fairy tale, 2. She is super cute, 3. She uses handheld weapons, 4. She heals people

**Joe** : That’s a way more thought-out response than mine.

**Steve** : What did you say?

  
  
 **Joe** : I said that one pink chick from The Princess and the Frog

**Steve** : Charlotte la Bouff?

**Joe** : That’s the one

**Steve** : Why?

**Joe** : 

**Steve** : I think you’re prolly right.

**Steve** : Although Knock Out would make a great Kuzco

**Joe** : Ah, yes, a true Princess

**Steve** : Kuzco is a princess and no one can convince me otherwise.

**Joe** : I can see that.

**Steve** : So the jury’s still out on Knock Out…

**Joe** : Wait, how about Edna Mode?

**Steve** : Oh my gosh YES

**Joe** : A short little fashionista with a loud voice and a bossy attitude

**Steve** : So is he Rapunzel, Charlotte, Kuzco, or Edna??

**Joe** : All of the above, I guess.

**Steve** : Who’s next?

**Joe** : Dreadwing? Which princess would Dreadwing be?

**Steve** : Dreadwing is Mulan.

**Joe** : Why?

**Steve** : Sword.

**Joe** : Ah.

**Steve** : Next we have Soundwave, right?

**Joe** : No, we have Starscream.

**Steve** : I thought we were going by rank?

**Joe** : We are.

**Steve** : But Starscream is second in command so he should be right before Megatron. Soundwave should be below Starscream.

**Joe** : Steve, Soundwave’s been the real second-in-command since before we were manufactured.

**Steve** : I disagree. Starscream’s the real one.

**Joe** : Starscream is always aware of the fact that Soundwave has authority over him

**Steve** : But Starscream makes the decisions

**Joe** : Only if Soundwave gives him the go-ahead

**Steve** : Except for that one time Starscream confiscated Megatron’s drugs and used it to revive a zombie!

**Joe** : What

**Steve** : Clicker told me. He was operating the Groundbridge the day Starscream went to look for his arm and told me that he revived a Seeker named Skyquake

**Joe** : I don’t know if that’s true

**Steve** : Yes it is

**Joe** : Then where’s the Seeker?

**Steve** : Shadow realm.

**Joe** : I hate these political discussions. 

**Steve** : HA

**Joe** : Fine. We’ll do Soundwave first.

**Steve** : YeS!

**Joe** : Did you have anyone in mind?

**Steve** : Uh I was thinking Jasmine because he’s dark and full of SWAG

**Joe** : You don’t know, do you?

**Steve** : I mean … she has the cat sidekick, and Soundwave loves cats

**Joe** : How do you know that

**Steve** : Sometimes he sneaks out and feeds alley cats in human towns.

**Joe** : How do you know THAT?

**Steve** : Clicker told me

**Joe** : Clicker tells you a lot of things, and I’m pretty sure not all of them are true

**Steve** : Maybe not, but it’s a nice headcanon

**Joe** : A head-cannon?

**Steve** : No, a headcanon

**Joe** : What?

**Steve** : Nevermind

**Joe** : You’re crazy, Steve

**Steve** : Yep.

**Joe** : So Soundwave isn’t Ariel? Ariel lost her voice

**Steve** : Soundwave didn’t lose his voice, he just doesn’t use it a lot

**Joe** : Ever. He doesn’t use it ever.

**Steve** : Not true! Remember the bar fight?

**Joe** : I’m still not convinced he talked to Megatron

**Steve** : Don’t care. He can talk.

**Joe** : I don’t think he can.

**Steve** : In any case, he’s not Ariel.

**Joe** : He doesn’t seem like much of a princess either.

**Steve** : How about a villain? He could be Maleficent.

**Joe** : No, Airachnid is Maleficent.

**Steve** : True. Maybe he could be Pocahontas? She’s pretty serious.

**Joe** : She isn’t Soundwave-level serious. Soundwave is Serious.

**Joe** : Capital S.

**Steve** : Maybe he could be the Horned King from the Black Cauldron. He’s legit.

**Joe** : He is legit

**Steve** : No, no wait, we forgot someone

**Joe** : Who?

**Steve** : Hear me out

**Steve** : Laserbeak is Heihei

**Steve** :

**Joe** : I AM GOING TO DIE LAUGHING

**Steve** : Next??????

**Joe** : I hesitate to say this …

**Steve** : Yes????

**Steve** : YES???

**Joe** : Next is Starscream

**Steve** : He’s Cinderella!

**Joe** : Really? I could have sworn he would be one of the step sisters.

**Steve** : Noooo

**Joe** : Yes! He’s annoying and selfish, just like the stepsisters

**Steve** : But he has them fabulous heelies

**Joe** : Maybe he’s Tinkerbell? He preens a lot

**Steve** : You are so rude

**Joe** : Wait I got it!

**Joe** : Yzma

**Steve** : What?

**Joe** : Starscream is YZMA

**Joe** : From Emperor’s New Groove!

**Steve** : No

**Joe** : Yes

**Joe:**

Joe: You need more proof? 

Joe: 

**Joe:**

****

**Steve** : Let’s move on

**Joe** : Admit it! They’re the same!

**Steve** : No they aren’t

**Joe** : I’m right. For once in my life I’m right about something stupid and you know it!

**Steve** : Megatron is Merida because he fights bears

**Joe** : You’re trying to change the subject, and no, he doesn’t fight bears

**Steve** : Close enough, I mean he used to be a gladiator and all

**Joe** : Sure, fine. Megatron is a Scottish redhead all of a sudden

**Steve** : Actually, Megatron would look like this if he was a princess

**Steve** : 

**Joe** : Oh, that's Starscream next to him wit the knife

**Joe** : Prolly don’t tell Soundwave about that.

Anonymous **: Hey, Steve! Megatron or Starscream?**

**Steve** : Starscream, absolutely.

**Joe** : Come again?

**Steve** : I would pick Starscream.

**Soundwave** is online

**Soundwave** : Wrong answer.

**Steve** : OH FRAG

**Steve** : I mean I would pick LORD MEGATRON, of COURSE!

**Steve** : Stupid autocorrect!

**Steve** : LONG LIVE MEGATRON

**Steve** : Glory to the DECEPTICON EMPIRE

**Steve** : TRANSFORM AND RISE UP

**Steve** : POWER FLOWS TO THE ONE WHO KNOWS HOW

**Steve** : YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME STARSCREAM

**Steve** : PEACE THROUGH TYRANNY!

**Soundwave** is offline

**Joe** : You better watch it Steve. Soundwave isn’t above scrapping traitors

**Steve** : I’m not a traitor!

**Joe** : Yes you are.

**Steve** : I am just one of the few Vehicons who is actually loyal to SS for some reason. It isn’t that hard to understand.

**Joe** : It’s very hard to understand. Megatron’s a better leader, in all respects, hands down.

**Steve** : What, you mean the gladiator-turned-obssessive-drug-addict?

**Joe** : Last I checked, Starscream got hooked on Dark Energon, too. He’s a narcissistic opportunist with a ton of issues. If Soundwave hadn’t been keeping Starscream in line, Megatron would probably be dead

**Steve** : Meh

**Joe** : Wow I beat Steve in an argument twice today. Is the world ending?

**Steve** : No.

**Joe** : I’m dying, right? I’m gonna die, and you’re losing arguments on purpose to give me treats or something

**Steve** : What? No, nobody’s dying

**Joe** : I mean, we all are eventually

**Steve** : Shut up, let’s answer the next question.

**Joe** : Okay, this is the last one

Anonymous **: Steve, how do you and the Vehicons drink Engex? You don’t have any mouths.**

**Steve** : Bold of you to assume we don’t have mouths

**Joe** : We don’t have mouths, Steve

**Steve** : Dont TELL THEM

**Joe** : Why not

**Steve** : Girls don’t like a guy who can’t smile at them, or laugh at their jokes, or kiss them on the cheek

**Steve** : Once word gets out that we don’t even have mouths, then its bye-bye domestic happiness

**Joe** : Steve, if we live long enough to see Cybertron ever again, it’ll be a miracle.

**Steve** : I know

**Joe** : If there are any femmes left in the galaxy when we DO get back to Cybertron, it’ll be a miracle

**Steve** : I know.

**Joe** : If, by some obscure and impossible chance, there ARE other femmes out there, and if one of them actually bothers to notice you _exist_ , that will be the biggest miracle of all time.

**Joe** : Not to mention settling down with you. The odds of that are astronomical

**Steve** : I’m starting to see why you’re so sad

**Joe** : Facts are heavy

**Steve** : To answer the person’s question; we do go through a lot of straws.

**Joe** : Funny story — Megatron doesn’t approve of curly straws among the troops, but Axel really wanted some and so last week Knock Out found a way to weld a curly straw out of an couple of human pipes

**Joe** : So now Axel has his own curly straw

**Steve** : I want a curly straw

**Joe** : Well, I was going to say you could ask Breakdown to ask Knock Out to do it, but he’s gone

**Steve** : Stupid Maleficent took away our big blue buddy

**Steve** : Anyway, thank you all so much for your questions! Ask me more sometime so I can mess with Joe’s brain!

**Joe** : I still don’t know who you’ve been talking to this whole time

**Steve** : Myself

  
 **Steve** : Oh, ougghthch!

**Joe** : What happened

**Steve** : Nothing! Just crashed into the fourth wall 

**Steve** : I’m surprised it’s still standing to be honest, I thought I broke all of it…

**Joe** : What’s a fourth wall?

**Steve** : SIGNING OFF

**Steve** is offline

**Joe** : I think Steve needs to go see Knock Out

**Joe** : What the frag now _I’m_ talking to myself

**Joe** : Maybe schizophrenia is contagious or something

**Joe** : Probably gonna die

**Joe** is offline


	10. Treasure Hunting, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Nemesis crew are sent out to capture the Relics of Iacon before the Autobots do, and Steve is up to his usual shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just finished midterms! My brain doesn't work very well right now. 
> 
> And yeah, originally this thing was like 40 pages long, which is WAY too long for one sitting, so it's gonna be a two-parter. Yay!
> 
> Enjoy.

**Jimmy:** So, Knock Out rounded up a bunch of us to go treasure hunting or something?

 **Axel:** I want to go treasure hunting!

 **Jimmy:** Only miners, sorry

 **Axel:** Dang

 **Jimmy:** Greg’s asking me what I’m doing

 **Joe:** Who’s greg

 **Jimmy:** One of the miners, he’s my partner as of last Thursday

 **Jimmy:** Can we add Greg to the chat?

 **Steve:** Sure hang on

 **Axel:** Ooh, I want to add Kurt. He’s cool

 **Clicker:** Can we add Jerry?

 **Steve:** We can’t add everybody

 **Jimmy:** Please?

 **Steve:** Fine

 **Steve:** Ill add Kurt Jerry and Greg but that’s it

 **Glitch:** How about Benny?

 **Sidelock:** Benny’s legit

 **Ricky:** Freddie too

 **Bobby:** And Josh

 **Clicker:** Add Jerry, he’s cool

 **Steve:** Guys we can’t have that many people Megatron said to keep this on the DL

 **Ricky:** But Freddie though

 **Steve:** Thats it I’m not adding anybody

 **Jimmy:** Nono add Greg

 **Jimmy:** He’s bugging me

 **Steve:** Fine

 **Clicker:** And Jerry and Kurt

 **Steve:** Fine shut up

 **Axel:** Guys, be nice to Kurt, he’s new.

 **Bobby:** New guy, huh?

 **Frank:** Poor guy won’t last a day

 **Ricky:** Not in this house.

 **Steve** added **Greg** , **Jerry** , and **Kurt** to the chat

 **Greg** is online

 **Kurt** is online

 **Clicker:** Hello there

 **Kurt:**

**Clicker:** I like this guy already

 **Greg:** Wow

 **Greg:** What is this thing?

 **Steve:** Our group chat

 **Jimmy:** Welcome to the group chat crew!

 **Joe:** And all our depraved stupidity

 **Kurt:** We have a group chat?

 **Steve:** Its based on an old program me and Joe found

 **Ricky:** Its meant to strengthen our camaraderie

 **Greg:** I thought there was no camaraderie in the Decepticon ranks

 **Bobby:** Tell that to Steve

 **Pete:** He kind of changed that for all of us

 **Steve:** Yeah not to brag, but I’m kind of awesome

 **Joe:** No you’re not

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** Is the mining detail ready, Jim?

 **Jimmy:** Yes sir!

 **Knock Out:** All right then

 **Knock Out:** HEY, DUMMKOPF!

 **Knock Out:** We need a Groundbridge! Get your rear in gear

 **Greg:** Dummkopf??

 **Clicker:** He’s talking to me

 **Clicker:** One Groundbridge coming up, Doctor Dunderhead

 **Clicker:** IF I feel inclined to give one to you

 **Knock Out:** Aww, is somebody too stupid to figure out the controls?

 **Clicker:** Aww, is somebody too worried about his fingernails to notice the portal’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM

 **Knock Out:** Took you long enough. You’re slower than tar in the wintertime

 **Clicker:** If you can even spot the portal through the obscene glare of your sissy finish, I’ll be impressed

 **Knock Out:** Seeing as how your finish is pathetic, you should be impressed

 **Clicker:** How could I not be impressed by your ego? It makes Unicron look like a midget

 **Knock Out:** The fact that you have enough intelligence to read my messages is astounding in itself

 **Kurt:** What’s happening?

 **Ricky:** They’re insulting each other

 **Greg:** Why?

 **Bobby:** I dunno, they just do that sometimes

 **Ricky:** They hate each other

 **Jimmy:** At least they PRETEND to hate each other. I think they’re just keeping up appearances

 **Bobby:** No, they hate each other

 **Clicker:** If you all are done goofing around

 **Steve:** We are never done goofing around but whatever floats your boat man

 **Clicker:** Megatron wants all the miners from that detail to head to the bridge for briefing

 **Kurt:** What’s Lord Megatron up to?

 **Knock Out:** We’re trying to chase down the Iacon relics that the ship decoded, and we need to get there before the Autobots do

 **Clicker:** Megatron’s sending out a few different squads

 **Greg:** To where?

 **Clicker:** Well Jimmy, Greg, Hopper, Bingo, and Knock Out are going to the subways in New York to dig up the first one

 **Frank:** Have fun down there, princess

 **Steve:** I think M gave you that job cuz he knew you’d hate it

 **Joe:** Once he breaks a nail he’ll abort the mission

 **Knock Out:** Shut up

 **Clicker:** Megatron’s sending Dreadwing and a few flyers to get the second one

 **Pete:** That would be me

 **Frank:** And me

 **Pete:** And Axel

 **Joe:** Oh no he’s taking Axel? 

**Joe:** The mission’s already failed

 **Pete:** I think Kurt’s actually coming along, too.

 **Kurt:** Bet.

 **Clicker:** And then he’s sending a squad of Insecticons to get some relic in the mountains

 **Joe:** Oh joy lets watch them botch this one up

 **Clicker:** And Soundwave’s going to get the last one.

 **Kurt:** All by himself?

 **Sidelock:** Yeah Megatron trusts him to go alone because Soundwave’s a boss

 **Joe:** I bet no one survives their trips except Soundwave

 **Bobby:** What if Soundwave goes by himself and he has to face the Prime?

 **Sidelock:** I think SW would win

 **Ricky:** What?

 **Bobby:** No way

 **Ricky:** Prime would win

 **Glitch:** Nuh-uh Soundwave would

 **Frank:** He’s not afraid to fight dirty

 **Sidelock:** Prime was a librarian or something and SW was a gladiator for centuries

 **Bobby:** But Prime’s beaten Lord Megatron before

 **Joe:** That ain’t hard, the ship beat Lord Megatron yesterday

 **Clicker:** True

 **Sidelock:** I still think SW would win

 **Knock Out:** Jimmy get everyone in line, we need to look good

 **Knock Out:** Primus your finish looks terrible

 **Jimmy:** Stop trying to wipe it off, that won’t work

 **Knock Out:** There’s just so much dirt

 **Jimmy:** Its permanent, sir

 **Knock Out:** Well I guess it can’t be helped, everyone follow me.

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Kurt:** This group chat thing is so cool, I never thought I’d be talking to friends like this

 **Jimmy:** I know, right? It’s awesome!

 **Pete:** I have to hand it to Steve, this chat does give us a nice break from the war sometimes

 **Sidelock:** We have guns pointed in our faces literally every day and its nice to talk to people who tolerate our existence

 **Kurt:** I didn’t even know having friends was allowed

 **Greg:** Will you all shut up

 **Greg:** Lord Megatron’s briefing us

 **Steve:** Whats he saying

 **Greg:** He’s yelling at Knock Out

 **Joe:** Ah yes, the usual

 **Jimmy:** Lord Megatron is so tall

 **Jimmy:** Like he could crush me rn

 **Joe:** He could crush a lot of people

 **Jimmy:** But like … if he just

 **Jimmy:** Just accidentally jabbed me with his elbow I would die

 **Steve:** Lord Megatron do be intimidating

 **Jimmy:** Oh snap

 **Jimmy:** Megatron really brought up The Thing

 **Frank:** The what?

 **Jimmy:** You know, The Thing?

 **Frank:** ???

 **Jimmy:** The thing we never talk about around Sir.

 **Frank:** Oh! Breakdown

 **Jimmy:** I can’t believe you

 **Greg:** Oh frag who is that

 **Steve:** What

 **Greg:** We just got a new addition to the squad

 **Jimmy:** Megatron’s sending an insecticon along with us

 **Greg:** Since when do we have Insecticons?

 **Clicker:** It’s a new development

 **Greg:** Knock out looks scared

 **Greg:** And now we are leaving

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** WHAT IN THE NAME OF PRIMUS IS THIS

 **Knock Out:** Megatron actually expects me to work with this IMBECILE

 **Steve:** This is a replacement for Breakdown, huh?

 **Knock Out:** No Insecticon vermin can replace Breakdown, Steven!

 **Knock Out:** This is repulsive

 **Knock Out:** I have to work with this creature for a whole day?

 **Clicker:** I mean, you could go complain to Megatron if it’s BUGGING you that much

 **Knock Out:** Shut the frag up and open the Groundbridge

 **Clicker:** Ok

 **Jimmy:** See you guys later!

 **Glitch:** Bye, Jimmy! Bye Greg!

 **Pete:** Don’t get killed!

 **Greg:** We’ll try

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Greg** is offline

 **Joe:** The ship’s moving. 

**Clicker:** We’re heading for Relic Number 2

 **Clicker:** Frank, grab Axel and get ready for deployment, Dreadwing’s almost ready

 **Frank:** Fine

 **Pete:** Where is Axel anyway

 **Glitch:** Last I heard he was in the basement with the Insecticons

 **Pete:** he’s WHAT

 **Steve:** He’s gonna get killed

 **Pete:** They’ll rip apart a little flyer like Axel

 **Frank:** I’ll get him

 **Pete:** Frank you shouldn’t go down to the basement alone

 **Frank:** Insecticons don’t scare me

 **Frank:** And just what in the ever loving slag is this

 **Axel** is online

 **Axel:** Hi Frank!

 **Frank:** What are you doing?

 **Axel:** Having fun!

 **Kurt:** What is he doing

 **Frank:** He’s riding on an Insecticon

 **Pete:** Why is axel riding on an INSECTICON

 **Frank:** He says they’re friends

 **Axel:** We are friends!

 **Frank:** Dude that thing hates you

 **Axel:** No he doesn’t! His name is Kickback and he’s my new best friend!

 **Joe:** Thats what Megatron thought when Unicron came to life

 **Frank:** Axel get off of him

 **Axel:** Noooo I wanna stay

 **Frank:** Get off of him right now or I’m calling Pete

 **Axel:** Fine

 **Axel:** Bye, Kickback!

 **Kurt:** You’re weird, Axel

 **Frank:** I mean the Insecticon’s waving at us so that’s something

 **Axel:** Of course he is! He’s my friend

 **Pete:** Frank, Megatron wants us to come to the bridge NOW

 **Clicker:** He’s kinda mad

 **Kurt:** Megatron is done with everyone today

 **Axel:** I don’t wanna go anywhere

 **Kurt:** Where are we going anyway?

 **Clicker:** The Antarctic

 **Axel:** Noooo that’s cold I don’t want to

 **Frank:** Suck it up

 **Pete:** Dreadwing says get in formation

 **Pete** : Clicker, we’re ready for the bridge

 **Clicker:** You got it

 **Steve:** Happy hunting, guys!

 **Kurt:** See ya

 **Kurt** is offline

 **Frank** is offline

 **Axel** is offline

 **Pete** is offline

 **Sidelock:** It’s been weird ever since Dreadwing came aboard

 **Steve:** I know, everything’s so official now

 **Clicker:** Soundwave just headed out

 **Clicker:** That only leaves Megatron at home

 **Clicker:** He’s going to the basement to brief the Insecticons before he sends them out

 **Joe:** The insecticons are going out by themselves?

 **Clicker:** Yeah

 **Sidelock:** I don’t know about that

 **Clicker:** Notifications say Megatron’s sending Hardshell out as commander

 **Steve:** I don’t know who that is

 **Clicker:** It’s an Insecticon. Apparently the strongest one

 **Joe:** Thats its actual name?

 **Clicker:** Yeah

 **Steve:** Im surprised the Insecticons have names

 **Clicker:** Yeah, they do apparently

 **Joe:** I thought Axel just named his new “friend” whatever he could come up with

 **Glitch:** I guess the Insecticons are people too?

 **Ricky:** I wouldn’t go that far

 **Steve:** No they’re vermin

 **Bobby:** Pit-spawned tin-framers

 **Joe:** Yep

 **Clicker:** Okay, so we got everyone squared away

 **Clicker:** Sidelock where are you

 **Sidelock:** I’m helping Glitch

 **Clicker:** Why

 **Sidelock:** Because today, Glitch is going to attempt something no one has had the courage to do before …

 **Sidelock:** MOP THE NEMESIS BASEMENT

 **Sidelock:** *horror music*

 **Sidelock:** *screaming*

 **Sidelock:** WILL HE MAKE IT OUT ALIVE??

 **Joe:** Probably not

 **Sidelock:** Anyway that’s what we’re doing

 **Glitch:** The Insecticons make a huge mess and someone has to clean up after them

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** These tunnels are so cool! Humans have nice, neat little tunnels for their trains, its so cute

 **Greg** is online

 **Greg:** It’s the same as any other tunnel we dig in; it’s just a hole in the ground.

 **Jimmy:** Well its a very cute hole in the ground

 **Bobby:** True, humans can be cute

 **Ricky:** Like hobbits

 **Bobby:** Yes

 **Knock** **Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** Hurry it up down there, we don’t have all day

 **Jimmy:** Yes sir

 **Jimmy** is offline

**Greg** is offline

 **Knock Out:** This is ridiculous

 **Knock Out:** The moisture down here is wreaking havoc on my finish

 **Knock Out:** And this fragging Insecticon won’t leave me alone

 **Clicker:** I heard that bugs like shiny things

 **Clicker:** Maybe you found yourself a new best friend

 **Knock Out:** No

 **Clicker:** Don’t be afraid, just … _bee_ yourself!

 **Knock Out:** Shut up

 **Clicker:** It seems that Her Highness is getting … _antsy_

 **Knock Out:** Har har

 **Knock Out:** Not funny

 **Clicker:** Sorry, I made that one up on the … _fly_

 **Knock Out:** Stop with the bug puns

 **Clicker:** Sounds like you’ve got a … _bee in your bonnet_

 **Knock Out:** You’re trying to make me mad

 **Clicker:** I … _mite_ be

 **Knock Out:** I will put a buzzsaw through your skull

 **Knock Out:** Miners, please hurry it up! The sooner we can get back the better

 **Greg** is online

 **Greg:** Just for that attitude, we goin as slow as we can

 **Greg:** Oh wait I found something

 **Knock Out:** Really?

 **Greg:** No

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** Don’t be rude to Sir

 **Greg:** If “Sir” gets to be rude to us, I get to be rude back

 **Knock Out:** For as long as you survive anyway

 **Greg:** Oh hol up I found something

 **Knock Out:** Did you really find something this time

 **Greg:** Yeah its like a bucket or something

 **Knock Out:** Lemme see

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Greg** is offline

 **Knock** **Out** is offline

 **Steve:** I wonder what this relic is

 **Bobby:** Probably something dumb like a fork

 **Joe:** Why would they hide a fork

 **Sidelock:** Is it a weapon of mass destruction?

 **Ricky:** It can be if you throw it hard enough

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Greg** is online

 **Knock** **Out** is online

 **Jimmy:** Autobots!

 **Greg:** Oh Frag its the Autobots

 **Jimmy:** What do we do

 **Knock Out:** Attack already!

 **Greg:** Its just the girl we can take her

 **Greg:** Bruh

 **Greg:** Kjhgkfd

 **Greg** is offline

 **Jimmy:** Why did that happen

 **Jimmy:** I just saw Greg get his head popped off by a devil woman

 **Ricky:** Poor Greg

 **Sidelock:** We just met him

 **Steve:** I think the author’s adding people the audience isn’t attached to just so they can get killed off without any consequences.

 **Glitch:** STEVE

 **Steve:** What? We’re in a Vehicon story, someone has to die

 **Clicker:** You sound like Joe

 **Steve:** He’s rubbing off on me

 **Joe:** :’)

 **Jimmy:** Oww

 **Jimmy:** She kicked me in the face

 **Bobby:** Stay down! She prolly thinks you’re dead

 **Jimmy:** KO is fighting her

 **Jimmy:** Get her, sir!

 **Jimmy:** Asafghfdfss

 **Knock** **Out** is offline

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Ricky:** Jimmy

 **Bobby:** What happened

 **Glitch:** Jimmy?

 **Sidelock:** Broski didn’t report back 0.0

 **Joe:** Hes dead

 **Clicker:** Is he dead?

 **Steve:** DID THE AUTOBOTS KILL JIMMY

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** Owwwww x100

 **Jimmy:** Sir just landed on me

 **Jimmy:** The lights are all flickering out

 **Jimmy:** Am I gonna die?

 **Jimmy:** Oh nvm the Insecticon stepped on the lights

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** Wheres my staff

 **Jimmy:** Here you go sir

 **Knock Out:** Thanks.

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Jimmy:** Sir just thanked me! *^*

 **Jimmy:** That femme’s going down

 **Jimmy:** GET HER SIR!

 **Jimmy:** He zapped the femme!

 **Joe:** For once he’s actually zapping people on the other team

 **Knock** **Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** Mission accomplished

 **Knock Out:** We got the relic, I dispatched the two-wheeler

 **Knock Out:** Slag, even the Insecticon helped out with the speedy yellow guy

 **Knock Out:** Now to test the relic thingamabob

 **Clicker:** On the bots?

 **Jimmy:** What if it gives them superpowers

 **Steve:** Or a bonus life

 **Joe:** This isn’t a video game you idiots

 **Clicker:** Are you sure

 **Knock Out:** Yeasafahbjklljhbviu

 **Knock** **Out** is offline

 **Jimmy:** WHAT THE HECK

 **Jimmy:** Someone just hit Sir with a train!

 **Clicker:** Is he alive

 **Knock** **Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** THEY WILL PAY

 **Steve:** Ahahaha

 **Clicker:** KO’s finish is ruined

 **Knock Out:** Im going to kill them all

 **Knock Out:** Jimmy, pack up the drill and take it home, I have to take care of something

 **Jimmy:** Yessir

 **Knock** **Out** is offline

 **Clicker:** I’ll send a bridge

 **Clicker:** Are you the only one, Jim?

 **Jimmy:** No, Bingo and Hopper are okay they’re helping me

 **Jimmy:** Greg’s dead

 **Jimmy:** He was a good guy

 **Jimmy:** He liked to talk to the rocks sometimes

 **Clicker:** Im sorry Jim

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Steve:** You know what I just realized Joe

 **Joe:** What

 **Steve:** KO is underground, right

 **Joe:** Right…

 **Steve:** He’s had a bad day with his finish, right?

 **Joe:** Right

 **Steve:** He’s left the medibay unguarded, right?

 **Joe:** Where are you going with this

 **Steve:** He left the MEDIBAY

 **Steve:** UNGUARDED

 **Joe:** Oh

 **Joe:** OH

**Steve:**

**Steve** is offline

 **Joe** is offline

 **Clicker:** What kinda tomfoolery are they up to

 **Pete** is online

 **Frank** is online

 **Kurt** is online

 **Axel** is online

 **Kurt:** Guys we found Starscream

 **Clicker:** You did?

 **Axel:** He was riding on a little scooter thing and we blasted him into the ice

 **Bobby:** Wait he’s dead?

 **Kurt:** No hes our prisoner

 **Kurt:** Dreadwing is giving him some serious straight talk

 **Frank:** Ahaha Screamer just heard that Dreadwing is the new SIC

 **Bobby:** You should be careful making fun of Screamer. It's historically a bad idea

 **Kurt:** Lol but he’s SO mad XD

 **Clicker:** Have you seen any Autobots yet?

 **Kurt:** No

 **Sidelock:** Well, the two wheeler and the yellow guy just hit KO with a train

 **Frank:** Oh good

 **Pete:** Frank

 **Frank:** Oh bad

 **Axel:** Im cold

 **Pete:** We know Axel

 **Axel:** But I’m COLD cold

 **Kurt:** We’re all cold

 **Axel:** My shoulder cables are freezing

 **Frank:** No one wants to hear about your shoulder cables

 **Axel:** I can’t feel my wings

 **Frank:** Shut up about the cold Axel

 **Kurt:** You’re complaining more than High Heels McGee over there

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Clicker:** You got the drill and stuff ready, Jim?

 **Jimmy:** Yeah

 **Clicker:** All right, I’ll bridge y’all up

 **Clicker:** Is KO with you?

 **Jimmy:** No

 **Jimmy:** Hes off fighting Bumblebee while the Insecticon gets the motorcycle

 **Clicker:** Ok

 **Clicker:** Bring back Greg, we don’t want the humans to get ahold of him

 **Bobby:** Not when there’s still these freaky corpse stealer humans around.

 **Ricky:** They trashed Breakdown

 **Clicker:** Airachnid trashed breakdown

 **Ricky:** Oh yeah

 **Bobby:** But the humans would have trashed breakdown if they could

 **Jimmy:** Ill bring Greg back don’t worry

 **Clicker:** You okay, Jim?

 **Jimmy:** Uh-huh

 **Clicker:** You sound sad

 **Jimmy:** I am sad, my friend just got decapitated

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Clicker:** I feel bad for him

 **Bobby:** Greg was his partner, wasn’t he?

 **Clicker:** Yeah, they’ve been working together ever since Greg got moved from the last strip

 **Sidelock:** Thats rough

 **Kurt:** Poor guy

 **Glitch:** We should make Jimmy a present

 **Ricky:** Like Energon goodies?

 **Bobby:** We’re on it

 **Sidelock:** Bob, can you even cook?

 **Bobby:** I can try for Jim

 **Ricky:** Yeah all right lets try

 **Clicker:** Arent you two supposed to be on shift

 **Ricky:** No we just got relieved

 **Bobby:** We’re technically allowed to go on shore leave, but Jim’s more important than racing

 **Ricky:** Right

 **Ricky** is offline

 **Bobby** is offline

 **Axel:** I

 **Axel:** Hate

 **Axel:** Being

 **Axel:** Cold

 **Frank:** I

 **Frank:** Dont

 **Frank:** Fragging

 **Frank:** Care

 **Axel:** We’ve been walking all day

 **Axel:** Can’t we stop for a break?

 **Frank:** No shut up

 **Axel:** I miss Kickback

 **Axel:** I’m cold

 **Axel:** And tired

 **Axel:** Are we there yet?

 **Axel:** Are we there yet?

 **Axel:** Are we there yet?

 **Axel:** 99 bottles of beer on the wall

 **Axel:** 99 BOTTLES OF BEER

 **Frank:** Axel if you don’t shut up I swear to Primus

 **Axel:** What are you gonna do, shoot me?

 **Frank:** You’ve come up with a great idea there

 **Axel:** Oh nono no pls

 **Frank:** Thats what I thought

 **Pete:** Be nice, Frank

 **Frank:** I can’t, everyone on this trip is so slow

 **Axel:** Frank you didn’t have to jab Mr Starscream

 **Frank:** Yes I did he was annoying me

 **Frank:** What in the slag is this

 **Kurt:** There’s nothin here

 **Pete:** Where’s the relic?

 **Frank:** Are those red flags?

 **Kurt:** Why did the autobots just stick red flags in an ice cliff

 **Axel:** I found tire tracks! I found tire tracks!

 **Axel:** It must have been the autobots!

 **Pete:** Humans drive cars, too, Axel

 **Axel:** Oh yeah

 **Pete:** Humans probably did this

 **Clicker:** Whats happening

 **Kurt:** Someone took the relic and Dreadwing is throttling Starscream for the twelfth time

 **Kurt:** Oh Primus what is that

 **Pete:** That’s Optimus Prime

 **Axel:** HOLY scrap that is OPTIMUS PRIME

 **Axel:** Why is he here why is he here

 **Axel:** Hes gonna kill us

 **Axel:** We’re gonna die

 **Kurt:** Man, why did we have to get Optimus Prime while everyone else got the easy ones?

 **Frank:** Who cares? We can take him

 **Sidelock:** I don’t know about that Frank

 **Frank:** We’re Decepticons! We don’t know about anything! And we don’t care!

 **Frank:** YAAAAAH

 **Clicker:** You got this Frank

 **Pete:** Frank you idiot be CAREFUL

 **Pete:** Axel and I have to guard Starscream. You’re on your own guys

 **Kurt:** Ok, so we are now going to fight Optimus Prime.

 **Clicker:** in all honesty, that’s just dying with extra steps

 **Kurt:** Oh nvm Dreadwing and OP are having a stare-off

 **Clicker:** Okaaaaay…

 **Kurt:** Its … intense

 **Kurt:** Its like a showdown

 **Clicker:** Showdown?

 **Kurt:** A capital-S epic Showdown

 **Frank:** What are we supposed to do

 **Frank:** Do we shoot him

 **Frank:** I wanna shoot him

 **Pete:** Not until somebody moves

 **Kurt:** I wish I had some pistols and a cowboy hat

 **Kurt:** Maybe some spurs

 **Axel:** Yeehaw

 **Frank:** Shut up Axel

 **Kurt:** Frank’s getting impatient

 **Kurt:** Prime’s just standing there…

 **Kurt:** Dreadwing moved!

 **Kurt:** AHH GOGOGO

 **Frank:** FIRE

 **Frank:** OH scrap

 **Frank:** the Prime brought his little demon fleshie with him

 **Kurt:** Who?

 **Kurt:** ASDFHGHJKSD

 **Kurt** is offline

 **Frank** is offline

 **Pete:** Frank!

 **Clicker:** What happened

 **Pete:** The fleshie shot him!

 **Clicker:** Is he ok

 **Pete:** I DONT KNOW

 **Axel:** Oh wow the Prime just hopped over Dreadwing’s grenades

 **Axel:** BRO THEY ARE HAVING A SWORD FIGHT

 **Axel:** ITS SO BEAUTIFUL

 **Axel:** GET HIM COMMANDER DREADWING

 **Axel:** OH wow

 **Clicker:** What??

 **Axel:** The Prime just got tackled over a cliff

 **Pete:** Quick, shoot his fleshie!

 **Axel:** Why

 **Pete:** The little demon shot Frank!

 **Pete:** GET HER

 **Axel:** IM RTRYINGG

 **Pete:** AXEL YOU MISSED

 **Axel:** I couldn’t help it Starscream’s distracting me

 **Axel:** Umm… why did the fleshie just jump off the cliff

 **Pete:** Bc fleshies are stupid and Optimus Prime’s fleshie is the most stupid

 **Axel:** Oh frag an avalanche

 **Pete:** The whole cliff just collapsed

 **Clicker:** You guys ok

 **Pete:** Yeah we were far enough away

 **Pete:** Where’s Dreadwing?

 **Pete:** I don’t see him

 **Axel:** Hes prolly buried under the snow

 **Pete:** We gotta find him

 **Axel:** Why

 **Pete:** Hes our commander and I want him back bc don’t want to be stuck with Starscream

 **Axel:** Fairs

 **Axel:** You stay with the heels chick

 **Pete:** What no

 **Axel:** Ill be back

 **Axel:** I have to look for Dreadwing

 **Pete:** Wait who is that

 **Axel:** Is that Dreadwing

 **Axel:** OH SCRAP THATS THE PRIME

 **Pete:** Get him!

 **Axel:** We’re gonna die we’re gonna die

 **Pete:** Keep shooting

 **Pete:** Starscream what the lksjahdgdwkklgh

 **Pete** is offline

 **Axel:** Oh no!

 **Axel:** Pete! I’ll save you! Don’t worry!

 **Axel:** Saedafesgdhbtnyu

 **Axel** is offline

 **Clicker:** Guys?

 **Clicker:** Guys? What happened

 **Clicker:** Pete?

 **Clicker:** Axel??

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** ARRGHUHGH

 **Clicker:** What’s happened?

 **Knock Out:** I JUST —

 **Knock Out:** I GOT HIT

 **Clicker:** Yeah by a train, we know

 **Knock Out:** I GOT HIT A SECOND TIME YOU FRAGGER

 **Knock Out:** I NEED A GROUNDBRIDGE RIGHT NOW

 **Clicker:** Ok, just give me the coordinates

 **Knock Out:** I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM

 **Knock Out:** Look, I need you to just track my signal

 **Clicker:** KO, the Groundbridge only works if I input an exact set of coordinates. The only reason I was able to bridge Jimmy back is bc I put in the same coordinates we used to let you guys in the tunnels

 **Clicker:** I can’t get your signal easily because 1. You’re underground, and 2. You’re probably driving very fast which makes it harder to get a fix

 **Knock Out:** I DONT CARE

 **Clicker:** Just calm down and tell me where you are

 **Knock Out:** I’m back at the original mining site, just GET ME OUT OF HERE

 **Clicker:** What about the Insecticon?

 **Knock Out:** Forget him!

 **Clicker:** We can’t, the humans will strip him for our fancy “alien goods”

 **Knock Out:** You expect me to drag a whole Insecticon through the subways in this outrageous condition because you’re afraid of humans?

 **Clicker:** Yes

 **Knock Out:** Fine

 **Knock Out** is offline


	11. Treasure Hunting, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve gets busted and the relic hunt is kind of an epic failure.

**Joe** is online

 **Joe:** What’s happened

 **Clicker:** I think the others are dead or dying, and KO is big mad about his finish as per usual

 **Joe:** Oh

 **Clicker:** What are you guys doing

 **Joe:** Rick and Bob are making goodies for Jim and the other two miners

 **Joe:** Glitch and Sidelock are still cleaning the basement

 **Sidelock:** Yep :)

 **Clicker:** Where’s Steve

 **Joe:** Digging his own grave

 **Clicker:** What’s that supposed to mean

 **Joe:** Nothin

 **Joe** is offline

 **Clicker:** Okay…

 **Axel** is online

 **Clicker:** Axel!

 **Axel:** Ugghhh

 **Clicker:** What happened? Where are you? Are you okay

 **Axel:** I got shot

 **Clicker:** Where are you?

 **Axel:** On the ground

 **Clicker:** No, where is your location?

 **Axel:** Earth

 **Clicker:** What are you looking at right now

 **Axel:** The sky

 **Clicker:** What are your coordinates Axel?

 **Axel:** Uh, 3 and 6?

 **Axel:** Oh, no wait, 6 doesn’t come after three…

 **Axel:** 3 and 8

 **Axel:** No thas not right

 **Clicker:** Is Dreadwing there? Do you see anyone around you?

 **Axel:** I dunno where he is

 **Axel:** He got buried in the snow I think

 **Axel:** I’m colllld

 **Axel:** Relly sleepy

 **Clicker:** Stay awake, Axel

 **Clicker:** Is anyone else there

 **Axel:** Well, I know where Pete and Frank and Kurt are

 **Axel:** But they got shot too

 **Axel:** They aren’t moving

 **Clicker:** All right, I need you to get up and go check on them, ok?

 **Axel:** But I wanna go home

 **Clicker:** I’ll send a Groundbridge for you right after you get them together

 **Clicker:** We need to bring them back

 **Axel:** Ffffine

 **Axel:** Pete?

 **Axel:** Pete, wake uppp

 **Clicker:** Is he alive

 **Axel:** I dunno

 **Clicker:** Is his visor glowing

 **Axel:** A little

 **Clicker:** What about the others

 **Axel:** Kurt’s not moving

 **Axel:** I think his visor’s still red, though.

 **Axel:** Frank’s buried in the snow somewhere

 **Axel:** Hang on

 **Axel** is offline

 **Clicker:** Oh Dreadwing just came through

 **Sidelock:** Did he get the relic

 **Clicker:** No

 **Sidelock:** Did he at least bring back Screamer?

 **Clicker:** Nope

 **Sidelock:** Oof

 **Glitch:** Imagine losing Starscream

 **Sidelock:** Kind of humiliating

 **Clicker:** Yeah

 **Clicker:** Megatron is mad-talking at him

 **Clicker:** Not quite yelling but not quite happy either

 **Glitch:** Something tells me the Autobots are going to win this one

 **Sidelock:** As usual

 **Glitch:** Did Dreadwing just leave everybody behind

 **Clicker:** He probably thought they were dead

 **Sidelock:** Fairs

 **Sidelock:** I mean they ran into Optimus Prime for crying out loud

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** I have the brute. Can I PLEASE get a bridge now?

 **Clicker:** Im trying to help Axel

 **Knock Out:** I NEED HELP

 **Clicker:** Fine, just hang on a minute

 **Clicker:** Soundwave requested a bridge

 **Knock Out:** I REQUESTED A BRIDGE

 **Clicker:** Hang on

 **Knock Out:** Tell me to hang on one more time Clicker

 **Clicker:** Fine

 **Clicker:** Ok Soundwave got through and now you get your bridge your Highness

 **Clicker:** There. Happy?

 **Knock Out:** NO. My finish is ruined, just look at it!

 **Clicker:** Oh man

 **Clicker:** Welp, I can now honestly say that I’ve seen dump trucks with better paint jobs than you

 **Sidelock:** TOTAL DESTRUCTION

 **Clicker:** Sadafjkhgh

 **Sidelock:** Clicker’s gon die

 **Clicker:** Wait wait wait don’t hurt me!

 **Knock Out:** Oh it won’t hurt a bit

 **Clicker:** WHY ARE YOU PULLING OUT A CHAINSAW

 **Glitch:** This is a preschool for idiots

 **Clicker:** Look Doc Im sorry I was trying to be funny

 **Knock Out:** It was funny

 **Knock Out:** It’ll be even funnier when you’re a stain on the floor

 **Clicker:** You’ll laugh until SW kills you for decapitating a mech in his comms unit

 **Knock Out:** Fair point…

 **Knock Out:** You get to live for another day

 **Clicker:** Whoop de do

 **Axel** is online

 **Axel:** Is anyone gonna give me a bridge

 **Clicker:** It’s coming Axel

 **Axel:** Im rlly cold

 **Clicker:** Its coming

 **Clicker:** Are the others awake

 **Axel:** No

 **Axel:** I don’t know where dreadwing is and the Prime’s gone and Starscream’s gone and Pete’s not moving and I’m scared

 **Clicker:** Its ok man

 **Clicker:** All right, come on through

 **Knock Out:** Wow. So AXEL got HIS groundbridge right away

 **Clicker:** Because he isn’t underground

 **Clicker:** or panicking

 **Axel:** AH FINALLY IM WARM AGAIN

 **Axel:** Yeeayahayaeh

 **Axel:** Im meltinggg

 **Axel:** I lovve warmm

 **Clicker:** KO they need repairs

 **Knock Out:** So do I

 **Knock Out:** Also I have to go report to Lord Megatron first

 **Knock Out:** Bring them to the medibay and I’ll get there in a minute

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Sidelock:** Lady Knock Out is grouchy today

 **Clicker:** Yeah well you would be too if you were him

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Ricky** is online

 **Bobby** is online

 **Ricky:** Holy slag

 **Jimmy:** Poor sir…

 **Bobby:** He looks like he went through a laser-powered trash incinerator

 **Ricky:** He looks like he triple-belly-flopped into a dumpster full of glass shards

 **Bobby:** He looks like fifty wildcats on steroids tried to use him as a scratching post

 **Ricky:** He looks like he dragged himself across gravel at the speed of sound

 **Bobby:** He looks like he tried to hug a cyber-porcupine

 **Ricky:** He looks like Starscream after Megatron caught him stealing his drugs

 **Bobby:** XD

 **Clicker:** Can some of you come help Axel

 **Ricky:** Whats up?

 **Clicker:** There’s like three mechs all over the floor and he can barely walk

 **Bobby:** Axel carried everyone into the bridge himself?

 **Clicker:** Yep

 **Jimmy:** Not bad for a high-class flyer boy

 **Ricky:** Is Axel higher class than you?

 **Jimmy:** I’m a miner. Everyone’s higher class than me.

 **Ricky:** Oh yeh I forgot

 **Bobby:** I will come help!

 **Ricky:** Me too!

 **Jimmy:** Me three!

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Ricky** is offline

 **Bobby:** Jim’s taking it pretty hard. He’s trying to act all happy and help out and stuff but he’s really not doing so hot

 **Clicker:** I’ll ask if KO can do something about it

 **Bobby** is offline

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** First the Insecticon

 **Knock Out:** Then the fragging TRAIN

 **Knock Out:** And now THIS

 **Clicker:** What

 **Knock Out:** I have to play nursemaid to Laserbeak while Megatron swoons over his bestie

 **Sidelock:** I don’t think that’s an accurate depiction of events, Doc

 **Clicker:** Jimmy needs help

 **Clicker:** So do the other guys

 **Knock Out:** That has to wait I'm sorry

 **Knock Out:** I’ll just examine the bird really quick and then you guys can come in

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Sidelock:** Why aren’t they allowed in the medibay

 **Clicker:** Only Megatron and KO are allowed in there when SW gets examined

 **Glitch:** Why

 **Clicker:** Bc if SW needs to speak or take the mask off, the only witness allowed is Megatron

 **Sidelock:** Now I really want to go in there

 **Clicker:** You do and you die

 **Glitch:** What happens to KO if he sees it

 **Clicker:** Dead

 **Axel:** Did any of the Insecticons come back from their mission?

 **Clicker:** No

 **Axel:** Oh.

 **Sidelock:** Did they all die?

 **Clicker:** It appears that way

 **Clicker:** They haven’t reported in

 **Clicker:** And the only Autobot left for them to fight is the wrecker, so

 **Sidelock:** Oh yeah they dead

 **Ricky** is online

 **Bobby** is online

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** Umm… Sir just ran out of the medibay with a live grenade??

 **Ricky:** Ahaha look at him go

 **Bobby:** I have never seen a short guy run like that

 **Ricky:** Oh frag it exploded

 **Clicker:** What

 **Ricky:** It exploded in the main hallway

 **Bobby:** The sprinklers are going off down there

 **Glitch:** Oh joy another job for me…

 **Axel:** Why isn’t there an alarm

 **Sidelock:** Frank shot it a while ago, remember?

 **Axel:** Oh yeah

 **Clicker:** Is Knock Out alive?

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** I will singlehandedly kill everyone on this warship

 **Jimmy:** Uh oh

 **Clicker:** What happened

 **Knock Out:** Laserbeak had a grenade inside of him

 **Bobby:** What the frag

 **Clicker:** Thats a war crime

 **Knock Out:** Yeah it is

 **Ricky:** Fragging Autobots

 **Sidelock:** ^^^

 **Knock Out:** I had to take it out

 **Knock Out:** And now Megatron’s asking me to fix Soundwave’s visor

 **Knock Out:** As if I haven’t suffered enough already

 **Sidelock:** Wait bro does that mean you get to take off Soundwave’s visor????

 **Knock Out:** No, I have to make a replacement, but I don’t get to see his face, he puts the spare on himself

 **Sidelock:** Man

 **Sidelock:** I wanted to know what’s under there

 **Clicker:** But if we did know that would take all the fun out of it

 **Glitch:** Whatever is under Soundwave’s visor is none of our business

 **Sidelock:** Right, but still

 **Sidelock:** I must know

 **Glitch:** I heard there’s a single red eye under there, like Shockwave’s

 **Jimmy:** Oh that’s scary!

 **Bobby:** I heard that he doesn’t have eyes at all, and there’s just a huge gaping scraplet mouth with rows and rows of sharp teeth for a face

 **Jimmy:** I thought his visor _was_ his face…

 **Sidelock:** Nope

 **Clicker:** Well, nobody knows for sure, which is why its so spooky

 **Bobby:** There are so many rumors tho

 **Ricky:** I heard that SW failed Megatron one time and then vowed to hide his face and his voice forever

 **Sidelock:** Impossible. Soundwave doesn’t make mistakes

 **Knock Out:** Unfortunately true

 **Axel:** I heard he had eyes so beautiful it would kill you to see them

 **Axel:** You’ll have your Spark snuffed out if you even look at his face its so pretty

 **Knock Out:** I dunno about that

 **Clicker:** Yeah, well you wouldn’t would you, Princess

 **Jimmy:** I heard that he doesn’t have a face at all

 **Sidelock:** Then what’s under there?

 **Jimmy:** Nothing

 **Sidelock:** There has to be something under there, otherwise why would he cover it up?

 **Clicker:** You know what’s probably under his mask?

 **Jimmy:** What

 **Clicker:** Another mask

 **Sidelock:** Infinite masks

 **Clicker:** The ultimate troll move, someone finally rips his mask off and he’s like

 **Clicker** : 

**Axel:** What if he hides his face because he is secretly a femme

 **Sidelock:** HAHA no

 **Ricky** : 

**Bobby:** Yeah, that’s absolute bunk

 **Axel:** IS IT

 **Clicker:** Yes. Megatron calls Soundwave “he”

 **Axel:** What if Megatron doesn’t know

 **Ricky:** He’s Soundwave’s only friend, of course he would know

 **Axel:** But what if Megatron knew … and kept it a secret … for certain REASONS ;)

 **Jimmy:** What reasons

 **Axel:** Well, if I was a warlord, and I had a secret silent femme on board … I wouldn’t want anyone to know…

 **Clicker:**

**Sidelock:** AHAHA

 **Glitch:** You can’t be serious Axel

 **Axel:** Ahaha no I’m not that’s total garbage XD

 **Knock Out:** This is a crack theory and you all are on crack and I have work to do

 **Clicker:** You mad, Doc?

 **Knock Out:** Nothing makes me mad, I am very chill

 **Clicker:** Really? How’s your finish

 **Knock Out:** Listen here you little twerp

 **Knock Out:** If you make me break this glass visor from sheer and utter frustration I will send you through the wall

 **Clicker:** Wouldn’t be the first time

 **Jimmy:** Can we come in the medibay now

 **Knock Out:** Let me give this to Soundwave

 **Knock Out:** And then let me find my buffer and then I’ll fix you

 **Jimmy:** But Pete and Frank and Kurt might die

 **Knock Out:** Don’t worry, Jimmy, if they survived this long they’ll be fine

 **Knock Out:** Most of you vehicons die within five minutes and its been an hour, so

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Steve** is online

 **Joe** is online

 **Steve:** What are we talking about

 **Clicker:** Doctor Doofus has a twitch in his britches

 **Joe** : Again?

 **Bobby:** You guys think he’s allergic to being un perfect?

 **Ricky:** Yeah

 **Clicker:** As for SW’s face, I think I don’t want to see it

 **Jimmy:** Why not

 **Clicker:** Because if a situation is so dire that Soundwave’s face has been exposed, I do not want to be there

 **Joe:** Truth

 **Clicker:** Besides, if one of us pulled off his visor or something, we all know what would happen

 **Steve:** Yep we would be obliterated

 **Joe** : Our souls would explode

 **Sidelock:** The universe would end

 **Clicker:** Where’s Commander Dreadwing I have reports for him

 **Bobby:** Hes sulking outside bc he lost Starscream

 **Ricky:** I would def sulk if I lost Starscream

 **Steve:** Wait WHO

 **Steve:** Starscream was here and NO ONE TOLD ME

 **Clicker:** He wasn’t on board, he was captured by Dreadwing

 **Joe:** Y’all captured Yzma?!

 **Axel** : Who's Yzma

 **Joe** : 

**Steve:** Stop that Joe you’ll scare the children

 **Axel:** Yes we caught him

 **Axel:** And then he got away with a relic

 **Clicker:** Something called the Apex Armor

 **Joe:** He did?!?!

 **Steve:** Yay! Good for him

 **Joe:** I don’t understand why you support him so much

 **Steve:** Because he never changes

 **Bobby:** Yep. He’s always been a rotten little stinker

 **Steve:** No it’s because when he sees something he wants, he tries to get it and he never gives up. He perseveres no matter what, and I think that’s inspiring

 **Joe:** Or stupid

 **Clicker:** There is a line between the two somewhere…

 **Steve:** I just think he’s cool

 **Sidelock:** In terms of coolness Soundwave takes the cake

 **Steve:** Nope. It’s Lord Starscream for me

 **Soundwave** is online

 **Soundwave:** What was that?

 **Steve:** I MEAN

 **Steve:** Lord Megatron for me absolutely hands-down 100% yeah boy

 **Soundwave** is offline

 **Joe:** You’re gonna die someday Steve, and SW will be the one to kill you

 **Steve:** I live life on the edge

 **Glitch:** Like Starscream

 **Joe:** Being like Starscream is something you should definitely try to not do

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** Where the frag is it Clicker

 **Clicker:** What?

 **Knock Out:** You know what

 **Clicker:** No I don’t, what are you talking about

 **Knock Out:** You know the frag well what Im talking about, where is my buffer

 **Clicker:** Your buffer?

 **Knock Out:** This morning it was right here on the table and now it is gone

 **Clicker:** I know you don’t believe me but I didn’t take it

 **Knock Out:** Haha yes sure

 **Knock Out:** And Megatron didn’t start an interplanetary war

 **Knock Out:** Honestly how stupid do you think I am?

 **Clicker:** I mean, if I gave you an honest answer you’d kill me, so…

 **Knock Out:** Give my buffer back before I forcefully realign your spinal array

 **Clicker:** I have an alibi, I was at my computer the whole day

 **Knock Out:** I don’t believe you

 **Clicker:** Did you look under the operating table?

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** I think Pete’s waking up

 **Ricky:** All right THATS IT I am taking these boys into the medibay for repairs

 **Glitch:** I can do a patch job, I’ll be there in a sec

 **Bobby:** Oh Primus

 **Ricky:** What is this

 **Jimmy:** Ooh poor Sir…

 **Bobby:** You know its gonna be bad when you walk in the medibay and Knock Out’s tools are all over the floor

 **Ricky:** You know its gonna be bad when Knock Out looks like a rabid chihuahua

 **Clicker:** What’s he doing

 **Ricky:** Looking for his dignity

 **Jimmy:** I think he’s actually looking for his buffer

 **Bobby:** Oh, Steve took it

 **Jimmy:** W H A T

 **Steve:** Uh, no I did not

 **Bobby:** You did so, we saw you sneaking it

 **Ricky:** Uh-oh, Knock Out just heard

 **Ricky:** You better run Stevie

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** I WILL DECIMATE YOU

 **Steve:** Oh hi Knock Out

 **Steve:** How was your day

 **Knock Out:** I will kill you and everything you LOVE

 **Knock Out:** I am about to pronounce you LEGALLY DEAD

 **Steve:** Wow ok why?

 **Knock Out:** YOU STOLE MY BUFFER

 **Steve:** I did?

 **Steve:** Eeenteresting

 **Knock Out:** You know what you are Steve?

 **Steve:** What am I doc?

 **Knock Out:** …

 **Knock Out:** You better get off the chat, Jimmy, you’re cramping my language

 **Jimmy:** Yes sir

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Knock Out:** You do know what you are, Steve

 **Steve:** Yep. Joe gave me a list

 **Joe:** I did.

 **Knock Out:** Well I’m sure these next words are on it

 **Knock Out:** YOU PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A FUNCTIONING MECHANISM

 **Knock Out:** YOU TWISTED LITTLE CLUTCH-MUNCHING SON OF A SCRAPLET

 **Knock Out:** You SLAG-SPOUTING SCRAP-WIPING RUST STAIN oN a _SticK_

 **Steve:** Ooh

 **Steve:** Im so scared lol

 **Knock Out:** You picked the wrong day to mess with me Steve

 **Steve:** Nope this is definitely the right day

 **Knock Out:** GIVE ME MY BUFFER

 **Knock Out:** NOW

 **Steve:** Only if you ask nicely

 **Knock Out:** I’ll show you nicely

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Steve:** Swsxwfdcxchn

 **Steve** is offline

 **Ricky:** Y’all hear screaming?

 **Joe:** That’s Steve about to die

 **Clicker:** Joe, you helped him with this

 **Joe:** I thought it would be fun to watch

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** What happened to Sir

 **Glitch:** He’s aggressively restoring balance

 **Sidelock:** à la Steve

 **Jimmy:** Well I think the others are waking up

 **Glitch:** Put them on the table

 **Kurt** is online

 **Kurt:** Did someone get the number of that freight train that hit us

 **Pete** is online

 **Pete:** Axel!

 **Axel:** What

 **Pete:** WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME

 **Axel:** Starscream used you as a shield I couldn’t stop!

 **Pete:** You shot me in the WING

 **Axel:** I’m sorry Mom!

 **Pete:** I mean jus t… OW

 **Glitch:** Hold still

 **Clicker:** You’re lucky Axel was able to bring you all back

 **Axel:** Hey, yeah! I’m a hero!

 **Pete:** THAT HURTS 

**Pete** is offline

 **Glitch:** Annnnd he’s unconscious again

 **Kurt:** What happened

 **Clicker:** Optimus Prime happened

 **Kurt:** Fragging Autobots and their fragging ideals

 **Kurt:** Messing up our plans— OW WHAT THE FRAG GLITCH

 **Glitch:** Sorry but you were cursing in front of Jimmy 

**Frank** is online

 **Frank:** Why is Pete on a slab

 **Bobby:** Axel shot him

 **Frank:** WHAT

 **Ricky:** Dang it Bob we aren’t supposed to tell the crazy guy

 **Bobby:** Oops

 **Frank:** AXEL

 **Glitch:** It was an accident, Frank

 **Frank:** A X E L

 **Axel:** What

 **Frank** : IM GOING TO KILL YOU

 **Axel:** AUGH

 **Glitch:** R&B, grab him!

 **Frank:** I’LL FEED YOUR SPARK TO YOU

 **Frank:** I WILL THROW YOU INTO A SMELTING PIT

 **Axel:** WHY IS EVERYONE YELING AT MEE

 **Ricky:** Calm down Frank

 **Frank:** NO.

 **Frank:** He hurt my best friend!

 **Jimmy:** Pete’s your best friend?

 **Bobby:** Pete’s his only friend I think

 **Frank:** I’LL KILL YOU AXEL

 **Frank:** NO ONE WILL FIND YOUR REMAINS

 **Axel:** AUHGHUHGH

 **Glitch:** Get him out of here so I can finish!

 **Ricky** is offline

 **Bobby** is offline

 **Frank:** LET ME GO

 **Frank:** Pete needs me!

 **Frank** is offline

 **Kurt:** Frank’s going a little crazy

 **Bobby:** he’s like that all the time

 **Joe:** But he’s never been crazy because of someone else

 **Clicker:** Thats has way of showing kindness

 **Kurt:** Angry kindness

 **Clicker:** Angry kindness is sometimes the best kindness

 **Kurt:** I don’t know … there’s got to be better ways to show someone you care about them

 **Sidelock:** Not many

 **Ricky** is online

 **Bobby** is online

 **Ricky:** There, are you calm enough now to rejoin society

 **Frank** is online

 **Frank:** Axel if I killed you right now no one would know

 **Axel:** Everyone hates me :(

 **Jimmy:** No we don’t!

 **Frank:** I do!

 **Joe:** We know, Frank

 **Jimmy:** Frank what happened to you guys out there

 **Frank:** I don’t wanna talk about it

 **Kurt:** He’s mad that Starscream got away

 **Frank:** Im mad that AXEL HAS AN AIMING PROBLEM AND HIT PETE

 **Axel:** AHH

 **Glitch:** Frank chill out

 **Frank:** NO

 **Bobby:** Or we could tackle you again

 **Frank:** I DONT CARE

 **Glitch:** Watch it!

 **Sidelock:** Frank if you hit my roommate you’re going straight overboard

 **Frank:** I DO WHAT I WANT

 **Bobby:** Fine. I didn’t want to do this

 **Bobby:** Jim

 **Jimmy:** Yes?

 **Bobby:** Go get the Energon Goodies

 **Jimmy:** Okay!

 **Jimmy** is offline

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** WHERE IS HE

 **Knock Out:** WHERE IS STEVE

 **Joe:** Im not telling you, I’m his roommate

 **Frank:** KNOCK OUT YOU SON OF A GLITCH GET YOUR AFT DOWN TO THE MEDIBAY AND FIX PETE

 **Knock Out:** Not until I find the imbecile who destroyed my dignity

 **Steve** is online

 **Steve:** That's me!

 **Joe:** Some people just like to watch the world burn

 **Steve:**

**Knock Out:** GET OVER HERE

 **Steve:** Knock Out is going to rip my head off

 **Knock Out:** Fragging YES I AM

 **Knock Out** : I will kill you and then reanimate you and then kill you again

 **Knock Out:** I am going to Frankenstein the FRAG out of you.

 **Steve:** AHAHA yOuLL NeVEr CaTcH MeE

 **Frank:** FIX PETE, KNOCK OUT

 **Knock Out:** I won’t fix anyone until I get my buffer back

 **Frank:** Fine

 **Frank:** Looks like I’m taking a little trip to the vents

 **Frank** is offline

 **Ricky:** Frank get back here

 **Steve:** Hi Frank

 **Steve:** What are you doing

 **Steve:** asdjfdhgglnw

 **Steve** is offline

 **Clicker:** And Steve was never seen again

 **Frank** is online

 **Frank:** Steve says he put it in the storage closet and locked the door

 **Steve** is online

 **Steve:** Dude what the frag

 **Knock Out:** Where’s the key Steve

 **Steve:** You can’t make me talk!

 **Knock Out:** Frank?

 **Frank:** *cracks knuckles*

 **Steve:** Oh, this key? Here

 **Knock Out:** Give it to me

 **Frank:** Will you fix Pete afterward

 **Knock Out:** YES

 **Frank:** Here

 **Knock Out:** Thank you!

 **Knock Out** is offline

 **Frank:** Steve

 **Steve:** What

 **Frank:** get back here

 **Steve:** Asdfghbgvfc

 **Joe:** Hey don’t kill him that’s potentially my job

 **Frank:** I won’t kill anyone

 **Steve:** OW OW OW

 **Frank:** Now what’d we learn

 **Steve:** You’re crazy!

 **Frank:** Wrong

 **Steve:** OWOWOWOW

 **Frank:** Try again

 **Frank:** What did we learn today

 **Steve:** No pranks if Pete’s in trouble!

 **Frank:** Good

 **Steve:** Ugh you have a heck of a grip

 **Jimmy** is online

 **Jimmy:** I brought the Energon Goodies!

 **Steve:** Oh good I want some

 **Kurt:** I want one I haven’t had those in forever

 **Joe:** Me too

 **Clicker:** Save one for me

 **Axel:** I want one!

 **Bobby:** Give one to Frank

 **Frank:** No

 **Ricky:** FORCE HIM TO EAT IT

 **Bobby:** COME HERE FRANK

 **Jimmy** : HAHA KILL HIM WITH SWEETNESS

 **Frank:** NO

 **Bobby:** This’ll calm ya down

 **Frank:** NOOO

 **Bobby** : EAT IT

 **Frank:** Oh that’s so GOOD

 **Frank:** Dang it, Ricky

 **Frank:** You and your fragging cooking skills

 **Frank:** give me another one

 **Bobby:** I told you it would work

 **Ricky:** We aren’t terrible cooks after all

 **Bobby:** High five mate

 **Knock Out** is online

 **Knock Out:** Finally

 **Knock Out:** I have it back

 **Steve** : What’s cracking, K?

 **Knock Out:** Drop dead, Steve

 **Steve:** Why :(

 **Knock Out:** I still hate you

 **Steve:** I thought it was fun

 **Knock Out:** I’ll tell you this right now

 **Knock Out:** If ANYONE steals my buffer EVER AGAIN

 **Knock Out:** there will be blood

 **Frank:** As long as it includes violence, its ok

 **Kurt:** Thumbs up from good ol Frank

 **Axel:** Good ol Frank

 **Frank:** This energon goodie in my hand is the only thing stopping me from wrecking your aft Axel

 **Axel:** O_O

 **Axel:** Im afraid

 **Frank:** You should be

 **Knock Out:** Kurt and Axel, you’re good to go

 **Axel** : Oh good now I can go hang out with Kickback

 **Kurt:** Thanks Doc

 **Knock Out:** You’re welcome!

 **Knock Out:** Thanks for the help, Glitch

 **Glitch:** I don’t suppose you guys would be up for a little janitorial work to help me and sidelock out

 **Glitch:** That grenade did a number on the hallway, and our little medibay fiasco means I didn’t get to fix it

 **Frank:** Not me, I got places to be

 **Ricky:** By places he means the medibay

 **Axel:** Im in

 **Kurt:** Sure

 **Jimmy:** Ok

 **Bobby:** I’ll help

 **Ricky:** Be right there

 **Glitch:** Bring the Energon goodies?

 **Bobby:** Anything for our janitor

 **Clicker:** Feeling better yet, Jimmy?

 **Jimmy:** A little :)

 **Jimmy:** That was pretty fun

 **Jimmy:** And its kinda nice to have friends who try help you feel better when you’re sad

 **Clicker:** Yeah… that is nice, huh?

**Everyone** is offline

**Jerry** is online

**Jerry** : What in Primus’ good name happened here

 **Jerry** : Did it have anything to do with the explosions??

 **Jerry** : And the laughing

 **Jerry** : and the screaming?

 **Jerry** : On second thought, I don’t want to know

**Jerry** is offline

Clicker found Frank pacing back and forth in front of the medibay doors.

“Hi, Frank,” he said, folding his arms.

Frank’s only response was a grumble, and he kept pacing, his eyes on the door.

“Pete still inside?” Clicker asked.

“Uh-huh,” Frank muttered. “Doc won’t let me in.”

“Maybe he’s worried you’ll break something.”

“I _will_ break something if Pete doesn’t wake up.”

“He’ll be fine,” Clicker said confidently. “Knock Out’s the best there is.”

“He’s the best we got.”

Clicker shrugged. “Same thing. Pete’s in good hands.”

Frank just growled at him, and paced faster.

“Um, you know, Pete was just up and texting a little while ago,” Clicker offered brightly.

Frank stopped.

“He was?” he asked hopefully.

“Well, he was until he passed out again.”

Frank began to pace again, practically brushing against the door. Clicker watched him wear a groove in the floor, leaning against the wall silently.

“Can I ask you something?” Clicker said eventually.

“No.”

“Why do you--”

“I get asked that question enough, okay?” Frank shot back. “Everybody wants to know; ‘Oh, Frank, why do you even care about Pete, he’s like the opposite of you in every way, you’re such a jerk and he’s such a good guy, you two can barely stand each other, that’s so stupid.’”

He glared at Clicker. “Well, maybe I figured out that I’m the only one who can stand Pete’s little goodie-two-shoes act, and maybe he’s the only one who’ll put up with my bullscrap every day. Maybe I’ve figured out that there’s no one in this fragging army who gives a slag whether I live or die except Pete. Maybe he’s all I got, and I’m all he’s got. That ain’t stupid.”

He turned abruptly away, and kept pacing, back and forth.

Clicker shook his head, and said quietly, “I was just going to ask why you liked Bobby’s Energon goodies so much.”

Frank froze. “You were?”

Before Clicker could respond, the doors to the medibay suddenly snapped open, and Knock Out’s scraped face popped out.

“Come get your friend,” he said to Frank. “He’ll be a bit groggy for a while, but if you let him sit down and stare at the wall for a couple of hours it’ll wear off.”

A second later, Pete stumbled out of the medibay and straight into Frank’s waiting embrace.

“Ughh,” he groaned, placing a hand on his head. “Why’s the world all spinny?”

“Because you got yourself shot, you moron,” Frank replied, slinging Pete’s arm around his shoulder.

Pete stared at him.

“Am I dead?” he mumbled.

“Why would you be dead?”

“Because you’re here, and you’re dead. The fleshie shot you.”

Frank chuckled. “Pete, if we died, you wouldn’t have seen me after.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re not going where I’m going.”

Pete grumbled.

“That’s ridiculoush,” he blurted out. “I’m going everywhere with you. Haveta … keep an eye on you so you don’t do anything stupid.”

“Yeah,” Frank said. “Let’s go, you idiot. You need a nap.”

He began to walk away, with his friend hanging at an angle from his shoulders, but Clicker spoke up before they left the hall.

“Hey, Frank,” he called.

Frank turned.

“You’re wrong.”

“What?”

“Just off the top of my head, I can think of twelve other mechs who give a slag about you,” Clicker said. “And for the record, none of us think you’re stupid for looking after Pete. We’ve all got someone to die for.”

Frank regarded him for a minute.

“Looks like you’re just about as big of an idiot as I am,” he said finally.

“Bigger. I started a prank war, remember?”

“Yeah!” Pete cried. “That was a bad idea! Nearly got us all executed!” He laughed a little. “Very cool.”

“All right, time for bed,” Frank said, dragging Pete away. “Let’s leave the idiot alone.”

Clicker watched them go, folding his arms quietly. Then, he looked at the medibay. Various sounds of frustration came dimly through the walls; growling and grumbling and muttered words Clicker was sure Jimmy was not legally allowed to hear.

He walked into the medibay, knocking on the doorframe twice.

“Sup?” he asked, strolling in.

Knock Out stopped mid-stretch, buffer in hand, his arm positioned uncomfortably over his shoulder in an attempt to reach a tricky spot on his back. When he caught sight of Clicker, he glowered at him.

“Get out, I’m busy.”

“Careful with that face, Doc,” Clicker said. “You look like Starscream when you do that.”

“Why are you here?” Knock Out demanded, putting his hands on his hips. “Did you get yourself injured, or do you just want to make my life miserable?”

“I’m here to make fun of you, obviously,” Clicker replied.

“Make it snappy, I have things to do,” Knock Out said, raising the buffer to his shoulder.

“You could stand to be less rude, Doc,” said Clicker, coming toward him. “Maybe other people wouldn’t make fun of you as much if you were.”

Knock Out rolled his eyes. “I don’t give a slag. Get your kicks and get out.”

Clicker held out his hand.

Knock Out looked at it.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Give me the buffer,” Clicker said.

The medic laughed aloud.

“Give it here,” Clicker repeated.

Knock Out raised an eyebrow. “You’re serious.”

“Yes.”

He smirked. “Why the frag would I give this to you?”

“Because you’re not smart enough to know how to ask for help without sassing everybody,” Clicker replied.

“Are you calling me stupid?”

“Yes, stupid, now give me the buffer.”

“I don’t need any help.”

“Clearly,” Clicker deadpanned. “Look, I want to help you out.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re our doctor, our therapist, our humor supplier, and our last braincell. We need you to be happy because of reasons,” Clicker said. “Besides, I feel sorry for you. You always help us out when we get hurt, but nobody’s there for you when you’re dumb enough to get hit by a train.”

Knock Out pointed at him. “Aha! I knew it! Insults disguised as sympathy.”

Clicker stretched out his hand. “Just give me the buffer and say you forced me to do it, okay?”

Knock Out narrowed his eyes at him.  
“Fine,” he said, handing over the buffer and turning around. “But if you mess something up--”

“You’ll decapitate me and my remains will be jettisoned into the ocean, yadda yadda.” Clicker switched on the buffer and got to work.

“Hey! Watch the shoulder struts,” Knock Out warned, flinching away.

“Yikes, Doc,” Clicker whistled, seeing the extent of the damage up close. “You really do look like slag. What’d the Autobots do to you?”

“I’d rather not discuss it,” Knock Out growled.

“Does it hurt?” Clicker asked, stopping for a minute.

“I was hit by a train, of course it hurts!” Knock Out seethed. “Keep going.”

Clicker did so, shaking his head. “You know, for a doctor, you get beaten up a lot. You’d think someone with medical know-how would take better care of himself.”

“Well, I can’t help it if Megatron wants to send me out for every dirty project he comes up with, now can I?” asked the medic.

“As far as I remember, you volunteered for this mission.”

“That’s because becoming expendable is like getting a death wish around here,” Knock Out replied. “I can’t just go racing nights and repair you sorry idiots all morning. I have to contribute to the Decepticon cause, and all that.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And I had it,” Knock Out sighed. “I _had_ it. I was so close. It was in my _hands_.”

“The relic?”

“Of course, the relic!” the medic snapped. “If it weren’t for the Autobots, I would have gotten it.”

Clicker thought about this for a moment.

“Megatron was pretty mad at you, huh?” he asked finally.

Knock Out nodded. “I don’t know what’ll happen if I fail again. At this point, Megatron’s not going to have any compunction about scrapping me if… well, you know.”

Clicker snorted. “Well, as far as track records go, at least you’re doing better than Starscream.”

“Are you going to buff or are you going to talk?”

“Yes.”

Knock Out grumbled.

“Why don’t you gripe more often?” Clicker asked snarkily. “Really improves your mood.”

“That’s what I have you for, dummkopf.”

“Lucky me.” Clicker switched off the buffer. “Done. You can finish the rest yourself.”

Knock Out twisted around in front of the mirror he had hanging nearby.

“Hm. Not bad, for an amateur,” he muttered finally. “You’re no Breakdown, of course, but still…” he craned his neck in an effort to see his back. “Not bad.”

“Great.” Clicker pointed to his leg. “You’re missing a wheel, by the way.”

“I have a spare,” Knock Out said, picking up the buffer again. “Back shelf.”

Clicker opened the compartment the medic pointed to, and whistled at the amount of spare parts he had stashed away.

“Geez, Doc, accessorize much?” Clicker asked, pulling out a wheel from the stack and handing it to him.

“Of course. I know I make it look easy, but it takes a lot of work to look this perfect,” Knock Out said.

“It would take less work if you didn’t get yourself beat all the time.”

Knock Out growled. “I don’t get beat all the time! I’ve had a lot of successful missions, and you know it.”

“Ooh. Big strong warrior doctor man.”

“Not funny.”

“Sorry, but I really can’t take you seriously,” Clicker chuckled. “You’re just so short.”

The medic glared sideways at him, whipping out his buzzsaw. “How fast can you run?”

“Faster than you, little man.”

“Wanna bet?”

“I don’t make bets with children.”

Laughing, Clicker darted out of the medibay before Knock Out could catch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is the big sad.

**Author's Note:**

> So if you're wondering, this whole fic starts after the Crossfire episode, where poor Breakdown died :(  
> It kind of continues from then on, but other than that there's no particular time frame for this story.
> 
> This work was sort of inspired by this chatfic, written by MarvelObssessedgirl3. I highly recommend it!
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/19466209/chapters/48112528#workskin


End file.
